Question For Sufferers And Best Thing To Do.

[Becksknox]

My guy is in the midst of a horrible PTSD episode. The kind where he pushes me away, which I'm learning and understanding thru this site. I'm the only one in 15 years he's shared his combat stories with. In 2 years this is only the second where pushes me out of the picture. He says he needs space but stays in contact everyday. I don't initiate contact so that it's on his terms and I don't say anything at the wrong time of the day. Since he's only shared this with me and his friends have no idea and is family is oblivious, is there anyway to help him? I don't want to ask any questions about anything beyond everyday talk. If I do ask how he's feeling after a stressful day at work he just says "I'm fine" and those 2 words show me he's anything but, however I will not push and fill his cup up even more.

So after my rambling, my question is, what can I do, if anything to help him? I've agreed to pay for his therapy, but I don't check in daily to see if he went or ask him how it was. Honestly, I keep a general running tab of my bank balance and don't even look to see if a payment came out. I just want to do all I can, but not sure there's anything and that makes me feel helpless to be there for the man I dearly love.

 

[Lilmssunshine]

I'm not a sufferer. But the VA can cover his therapy. I suggest you go to Al anon meetings Hun. Focus on yourself. He needs you to take care of you.

 

[Becksknox]

@Lilmssunshine I'm in therapy now but via Skype I just moved here and actively seeking a qualified professional here. I've been diagnosed with PTSD as well and I have severe anxiety but I hate my diagnosis bc I suffer nothing like him but in his eyes I've been thru worse.

 

[Friday]

@Lilmssunshine The VA is something of an ongoing clusterf*ck in many, if not most, areas. Yes it's free, but often like free snowballs and air conditioning units in Alaska in winter. Sometimes ya can make that work for you, by using them to build an igloo to stay warm. But when what you really need is a parka? And there are parka shops as long as you can pay? Just makes more sense to pay out of pocket for the parka. Snort. Especially if at your location it's not free snowballs when you're freezing to death, but free hungry polar bears! :wtf:

@Becksknox ... Can we turn that question around a smidge? Assuming that there is absolutely nothing else that you can do to help him, what can you change or do to help you so that his episodes aren't affecting you so hard? 2 birds, 1 stone. Not only does that help you, but one of the best helps IME for a sufferer is their supporter not being knocked down by the squalls that hit me. The more someone is affected by my problems? The more I have to isolate from them. Another snowball effect, there ;)

 

[Becksknox]

Yes @FridayJones, I've found several here that meet my needs for my anxiety and PTSD and along with other issues such as this I need help with. I love my therapist bavk home but it's like I was a baby when I started and now I've grown and learned and now I'm a preschooler and need more to learn than a baby. There are several I have found here so I have to get it knocked down to who takes my insurance and then read reviews for those. I'm a research freak so I can't just go thru a phone book and pick the first "A" I come to.

 

[joeylittle]

Some things that might help - I say these from the perspective of being a major isolator.

Ask answerable questions. So, you ask "how was work today", you'll get "fine". You ask, "what was your big project today at work?" - or something probably more specific, I don't know what kind of work he does.

Don't ask open-ended questions about feelings, and avoid asking for reassurance. "How are you feeling" is the hardest question to answer, really. But if you can get it more specific - again, I don't know him, but I'd ask "what are two words for how you felt today". And just saying anything like "I love you so much", which is asking for the echo, can be really hard, in my opinion. "I am really proud of you for working on yourself right now" - that's a gift, to know that there's a person who believes in you.

Don't try and read his mind or anticipate his needs. Does he know this?

I don't initiate contact so that it's on his terms and I don't say anything at the wrong time of the day.

or this:

I don't want to ask any questions about anything beyond everyday talk. If I do ask how he's feeling after a stressful day at work he just says "I'm fine" and those 2 words show me he's anything but, however I will not push and fill his cup up even more.

Is everyday talk actually what he wants?

These are just some thoughts.

I don't know that you are helping so much by not directly (verbally) supporting the therapy thing. Also, either you also need to accept that you are broken up, but he still texts you because you are important in his life (not because you are getting back together) - OR you need to tell him that you believe in a future together, and you don't feel like you need to make it happen right this second - that a breakup isn't necessary in order to have space, it's OK just to say," I'm going away for awhile because I need space, I don't know how long." I just think you need to get some clarity, for your own sanity.

 

[Sighs]

@FridayJones - based on my vet's experience our VA is more like Dad sitting in the food court at the mall. You have to figure out what you need, then run around to all the stores trying to find which one has your size in stock. Once you find the perfect item then you go ask Dad if you can have it. He's pretty generous and almost always buys it for you, but sometimes the process of shopping is just exhausting and you end up crying in the carpark with nothing because you just can't cope.

 

[Becksknox]

@joeylittle Thank you. I try to ask simple questions so he feels at ease and safe. If I get too direct I don't want him to feel pressure. If I ask how was your day he now opens up and goes into detail. I know that if an answer is fine it means bavk off. We are in touch because he almost demands it. He had originally told me that when I moved here he wanted to date and take it slow but then said no because we both know we will end up where we were and I don't know if I can handle it. I didn't want to get emotional or whine and become clingy so I did tell him my feelings as calmly as possible. Since then he's come over almost everyday and we've gone on 2 dates that he has asked for. I will reassure him that I am here always and he is fully aware. We discussed the engagement ring the other day and the end of it he said he wants to hold onto it because we will probably need it down the road. Except for the title of "relationship" things seem to be the same. He tells me every day that he cares very much for me. I remembered tonight that last year when it was scary to say I love you he would say he cared so there is hope. We are both working on us and IF we get bavk to where we were, I will set boundaries as well as U.S. Going to counseling together which he is fine with.

I will ask about counseling usually after my appt when he asks how it was, but it's hard for him since he's facing all this for the first time, so I may say when is your next appt so I'm not nagging him to make another one.

I've asked if he needs time without us talking even a day and it's almost like I can hear the panic in his voice when he tells me he needs me. We've come a long way or halfway long way since March.

He knows I'm in for the long haul no matter what. I believe partially that is why he texts and calls daily. It's a reassurance to him that I really am there and I'm really not leaving. The fact that we've been on a couple dates and he asks to hang out is really big for him so I feel he is comfortable with me just guarded as well. I am trying to be supportive in a way that isn't pressuring to him bc he lets me know what pressures him. Bc of my anxiety, I don't also want to pressure him bc it can cause my anxiety. Go over board so I feel we are supporting eachother the best we can right now.

And yes he knows I let him initiate contact. There have been times that I do but not for every little aspect of my day. Depending on how he responds I can gauge his mood.
If he texts as soon as he gets up at 5am and calls on his way to work I'll feel better about sending a random text. I just don't want him to feel upset or stressed bc of me. About once a week, I'll send an encouraging text and he does the same to me.

 

[Becksknox]

And most of the time now bc I guess he's no longer seeing me as a threat but someone that takes care if him if I ask about work or his day he opens up and starts talking more which puts us both at ease so we are able to talk now without his temper flaring.
Also some of his issues stem from a horrendous marriage where was sometimes physically abused by his wife. She was horrible to him. I knew her before him and say she may be one of the most cold hearted people I've ever known. So he is very afraid of hurting me or losing me. His self esteem barely exists and he tells me I deserve better. He puts me on a pedestal (except like this situation) and is very protective and always making sure my needs are met. I think that's part of why he's afraid to be too close right now but also doesn't want to leave me. If I read between the lines of things he says he does want to be but says "my head is too effed up". When that clears we hopefully will be ok. I can already see positive changes in him. And him in me.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

And most of the time now bc I guess he's no longer seeing me as a threat but someone that takes care if him if I ask about work or his day he opens up and starts talking more which puts us both at ease so we are able to talk now without his temper flaring. ... So he is very afraid of hurting me or losing me. His self esteem barely exists and he tells me I deserve better. He puts me on a pedestal (except like this situation) and is very protective and always making sure my needs are met. I think that's part of why he's afraid to be too close right now but also doesn't want to leave me. If I read between the lines of things he says he does want to be but says "my head is too effed up". When that clears we hopefully will be ok. I can already see positive changes in him. And him in me.

Oh my dear, I can SO relate. I could write the bold faced phrases about our situation verbatim. :inlove:

I have learned how to LOVE better because of how my man loves me, even though he has "shut me out" twice before in BIG ways, and once recently (for about 36 hours) because I had gotten too wrapped up in my own negative emotions about some stuff, and that felt "threatening" to him. But for him to go from shutdown for 7 MONTHS the first time, to shutdown for only a day and a half? I think this is a testament to our "staying power" and my man also knows I am in this for the long haul. I am not going anywhere - we've been friends first and then a couple for a combined total of going on 10 years. It gets BETTER AND BETTER. I offer up cheers to you - you're still young in your relationship, and it sounds like you've got all the makings of "staying power" yourselves. :) *hugs* if you accept them!

Only one word of caution .. don't "read between the lines" TOO much. ;) One thing my man cannot stand is when he thinks I'm "making up" a reality for him (ESPECIALLY of an emotional nature) that HE didn't "author." We have a rule - we "speak in the NOW" - so no matter what one of us is feeling/thinking, even if it means "Hey, the look that just crossed your face makes me feel like you're mad at me for something?" or something like that, we VOICE it immediately so we can deal with it in the moment, and this way he doesn't feel like I'm just making up stuff in my head. Part of PTSD is that the sufferer also has a hard time interpreting emotional signals and non-verbals. Especially if (as in our case) that PTSD is because of developmental traumas (during their formative years) and abuses in their most core relationships ("love" is a mystery cuz the people that were supposed to "love" them were broken, and DAMAGED them).

I'm a big one for needing to "process" things mentally/emotionally before I share, and he has finally persuaded me that at least when it comes to him and me, I don't have the "luxury" of processing "us" stuff by myself, because I'm not single anymore, and whatever conclusions I might come to have a direct effect on him. So .. I have come to believe EVERY couple would benefit from a "speak in the now" kind of rule - provided both parties are willing to be a SAFE place for each other to do that processing TOGETHER.

Feel free to message me anytime!

~S2B

 

[Becksknox]

@ptsdspouse2b Thank you. I let him be with his emotions bc he knows I am here and always will be. I have noticed that a couple of times he has assumed I was feeling one way when I wasn't so I have asked him to speak with me and ask and don't assume bc it causes more of a rift. He has been fine about it since then. So I'm trying and I can tell in little ways too that he is also. I understand so much better now why he can't be in a serious relationship at the moment bc he needs to take care of him and doesn't want to hurt me in the process bc it would add more stress and he doesn't need that.

Wow, just from reading some of what I have said has given me clarity in this process.

 

[InvisibleSun]

Love him. Support him where you can. But focus on yourself and your recovery first. Being in a relationship with someone who has PTSD when you also suffer yourself can be tremendously stressful and hindering to your recovery. I was in a relationship with a combat veteran shortly after my initial PTSD diagnosis and I can relate strongly to hating your own diagnosis because of his suffering...but that doesn't make your suffering less valid. It's the same demon..just in a different form. I think all you can do is stand by him the best you can and work towards healing your own wounds in the process. Because in the end, you may not be able to save him, only he can do that..but you can save yourself. Good luck and god bless!