I Couldn't Avoid Humans More

[Chava]

I don't even want to get into it because I ramble on and don't make sense. But I mean to somehow end my isolation, like it's a clear goal and I'm often searching for new ideas or testing out little events here and there... and yet feel 100% positively better avoiding the whole human relationship thing, or even being around others.

What I don't want to do is continue to burn bridges (how it feels, even if they probably don't all burn)...I show up for some group or activity for a few weeks, then disappear. People are welcoming, nice, helpful...I'm nice and interested in return. And then I abruptly disappear. With group of casual friends I'm also barely available (barely know them and I feel like I'm the last person on their invite list to group events). I show up but have a hard time being the kind of person that is any fun to be around. I don't feel good. I feel exhausted, in pain a lot. A close friend might see through this and be okay just going for a walk. I don't have close friends and don't assume you build relationships with people you don't know well by being miserable.

A friend in a 12-step group offered to go walking with me. I need to follow up on that. But afraid I will a couple times, then fizzle. At least I don't think she'd take it personally, but knows me a little well enough to know I just have patterns of isolating for no clear reason (I think or hope, at least because I've mentioned some of this)...actually she understands isolating personally.

My patterns of avoidance are also depressing because I'm realizing how deep they are and fighting them is very stressful. Lately anything I try to get involved with, or when I try to connect, it feels meaningless, like I'm doing it because I should...and maybe I'll feel better later. But what kind of idiot human wouldn't read that I'm not actually interested or that I'm distracted or far away? I'm partly aware of that and see how I also wall others off unconsciously...to I keep reaffirming my avoidance when I try to be around others. I feel like I'm not there anyway, but worse, because I feel rejected.

Sometimes I feel like a failure-to-thrive baby who was medically kept alive but most of my body-mind keeps saying "f*ck it."

Does it ever end?

 

[Friday]

It's already in the process of ending :)

You're here. You're attending 12step meetings. You attend group activities periodically. You're talking to people, and exchanging numbers and going to places with them.

Could you avoid humans more? Hell, yes!

I'm nowhere near a worst case example... But I've gone months without speaking to another person, period. Possibly that long without even seeing any, although more typically it would be weeks at most, and then I'd be around people, simply not interacting in any way at all (like sleeping on a busy beach, or walking through a market). That was my last tailspin. This one? I didn't have a phone or internet connection for 2 years. The only people I saw & spoke with I had to actively seek out face to face. That happened. And sometimes I was quite social. But there were also weeks where the only time I opened my mouth was to brush my teeth or eat something.

Where I'm reading that you're at is in a transitional period. And that always sucks. Ugh. You're already surface level social in your daily life, and you're moving towards becoming more deeply & consistently connected to others around you.

A byproduct of transitions? They highlight what you don't have, and how far you have to go. Because you can see to the other side of the chasm. It looks daunting, and exhausting, and a very long way to go. Transitions are difficult.

LOL for major life transitions they're so universally recognized as a pain in the ass that we (every culture all over the world!) have ceremonies and rituals surrounding them, meant to mark & make easier what is near always a difficult thing. (Adulthood, marriages, births, death/loss), and most cultures have rituals surrounding local transitions (military has change of command / hail & farewell, western schools have graduation ceremonies, hunting has first hunts, seasonal changes, etc.).

While even if you were just starting out on connecting with people things could always get worse (That's just life ;), things can always get worse)... It sounds more like you're about halfway there:

You already have a social life. Now you're working on having it be a meaningful one.

 

[Chava]

But there were also weeks where the only time I opened my mouth was to brush my teeth or eat something.

:) I do relate to just surviving, going through the motions. Getting better at that actually.

A byproduct of transitions? They highlight what you don't have, and how far you have to go.

Whoa, yes, thank you for that. Nothing about my past or my patterns has changed. It is just that so many of my former distractions and patterns now seem MEANINGLESS. I can't get what I really want (connection) and worse...I don't really even want it most of the time. So I'm just floating in void. I barely have what I could call a social life (time with a little group of "friends" who barely like me, maybe twice a year...but yes I go to meetings, usually weekly). The meaningful part? It also doesn't help that I'm just weird and have moved into isolation (less lonely where there aren't any people, you know?). It's hard to clarify what I should accept and what I can work to change.

Does help to consider that I'm not just screwing up out of nowhere but in the transition between old stuff not working and not yet being good at new things. I don't trust myself. I give up very easily. Doesn't help that i'm also so apathetic. I hate to admit I need pretty strong reinforcement. Or helps to think of it almost like I'm a baby, and going to sort of suck at everything...but hard part is deciding what parts to stick with and suck at for a while. :O_o: Also letting myself be a hermit sometimes and stop comparing my life to what I think it's supposed to be...never works. But doing anything to not feel trapped...helpful to think of "transition" because it does not imply a trap. thank you

 

[sun seeker]

I erased my whole post here by accident... grr. It was meant to be a helpful, empathetic response. Now you'll just have to imagine it. Sorry about that Chava!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@sun seeker, I hate when that happens!

@Chava, I can relate to the failure to thrive feeling.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think we have all felt this way before. I surely have. But I also think it's super important to recognize the desire for human connection as a positive change and step forward.

 

[Chava]

@sun seeker ...If only I had an imagination!! :dead: But I've done the accidental delete a few times...grrr...

@theshadowoftheliving ...thank you. I think you're right. Maybe I more fundamentally need to feel a connection to myself, just more grounded...and on some level I know that won't really come from others. But I would like to feel connected to the world a little better. I sometimes think my avoidance of others fits with trying to connect to myself better first and not just get confused. Just not sure sometimes if I'm in a process/transition or just plain stuck.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think the two go hand in hand. The more connected and secure I feel in myself, the more connected I feel to others .... And vice versa.

Sometimes I have to force the connection; do and say things because I think I should. It feels weird, but, ultimately I think it does keep me connected in an important way - falling off the face of the planet is less helpful, for sure ....

 

[InvisibleSun]

People are welcoming, nice, helpful...I'm nice and interested in return. And then I abruptly disappear. With group of casual friends I'm also barely available (barely know them and I feel like I'm the last person on their invite list to group events). I show up but have a hard time being the kind of person that is any fun to be around. I don't feel good. I feel exhausted, in pain a lot.

This is EXACTLY how I feel about my own social life..I do the exact same thing. Then hate myself for being a shitty friend and isolate out of guilt. I think it does get better..you just gotta force yourself back into the groove of things. I'm trying to reassimilate myself with normal human contact and it's definitely been a process. You've identified your behavior as unhealthy and that's the first step towards fixing the problem. It is a struggle, though. Your mind and body may say f*ck it, but your heart and soul want so much more
You don't have to be alone and you can do more than survive..you can thrive and be happy. The machines weren't all that kept you ( or I ) alive..it was our spirits inability to die...You're just a little lost right now, as we all are in a lot of ways..just chip away at the pieces one day at a time. And never give up hope.

 

[Chava]

..it was our spirits inability to die

Thanks for all that @InvisibleSun . It sometimes feels like machines kept me alive when my spirit really wanted to leave this world. So I feel like an imposter sometimes, or not really real. It helps to think of the perspective that something in me kept alive...and alive all the other times I was not sick...remembering times that were okay. Climbing trees and stuff. Just feels like lots of pieces that do not connect.

 

[InvisibleSun]

I struggle with all of those same feelings. It's like my soul has been shattered..and I'm left trying to pick up the pieces. Like I've always been broken. Like a car that won't start or the shopping cart with the busted wheel. That's why I can never give up hope. I wouldn't survive without hope..

 

[KwanYingirl]

Chava have you read Mans Search for Meaning? It's a good read, pretty deep.