Relationship Lets Talk About Sex And Intimacy

[Deleted member 26072]

Not too much advice at all, thank you anegl2write.

I guess I should figure out my attitude somewhat, I have the habit of getting into the mindframe of just thinking "I don't care" and "I'll just stay in bed all day, who cares". I should maybe correct that..

My relationship is very important to me, so I am willing to fight for it and he knows that. I've talked to him about this already and he's willing to wait - jokingly say's he's used to it because I made him wait so long in the beginning of the relationship. So, he is alright with waiting. Obviously not ideal for both of us, but I do have the support there. I just have to let my brain fix itself whilst giving it the much needed encouragement I guess.

 

[ARH10]

Angel--your post brought a smile to my face! It was not too much advice at all. It was good to hear. Thank you so much for responding.

Some days it gets hard to see the future and have hope, so appreciate someone who has good news to share from the other side.

 

[Dawa]

Hi Everyone

I found you on a Google search for PTSD and Sex. Didn't expect to find anything useful and then there you all were. I'm new here and selfishly I'm looking for help right now. I'm barely functioning right now. I've done a lot of work, counselling, had kids, and a 20-year marriage. Worked through acting out, self-harm, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, escapism, obsession, etc. and lots of counselling (not all good experiences). I've been pretty good for a long time, with the odd speed bump. Ironically, I have four boys, but they seem very healthy.

To cut to the chase... Ended a long relationship and back dating recently. I have triggers that wipe me out. Hyper vigilant, uncontrolled crying, crazy thinking and exaggeration. Low self-worth. And now I am thinking it's just easier to be lonely the rest of my life. Just TOO HARD and TOO painful. Triggers used to be anything that mentioned mistreatment of children or women: news, gossip, jokes. Not so bad now, managed to realise it's not me and work from there. But in dating, I've met someone and I am hyper-sensitive to any situation that might 'prove' he doesn't respect women and has no ethics (will abuse, cheat, betray me). I can't cope and am ready to end the relationship to end the pain. Since the trigger event, I've been crying on and off every day. I just think I'm getting over it and life throws a joke on me (I got invited to a comedy night, turned up and saw they have topless bars and strip shows other nights - TKO and had to leave, couldn't explain, thought my head would burst). Because we are so 'new' to each other, I can't talk effectively about it to him (tried but failed. can't cut to the chase - issues around feeling I am being too 'needy' and I always cry. I HATE not being able to control crying).
I need help. How do you work with triggers? Defuse them? Get to manage them? Become normal in a relationship/expectations? I feel so broken and worthless. Why would anyone bother with me....?

Also love intimacy and want to share my life. Wish I was gay. Drives me insane the one thing I adore is from the one thing I HATE and distrust completely. Where can I go to get help? What can I do to help myself?

I have coping mechanisms, but they all entail me becoming the strong, silent type that over-achieves at work or sport and disposes of any vulnerabilities quick, smart. I'm so tired...
Dawa

 

[OrangeJulius]

Where can I go to get help? What can I do to help myself?

Wow, sorry to hear all that, Dawa. Wish I had some words of wisdom. This thread is for PTSD supporters (although we did get sidetracked there for a bit) so I'm not sure you'll get the answers you're looking for here. You might find more useful information in this area:

https://www.myptsd.com/forums/ptsd-relationships.21/

and more specifically this thread:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/lets-talk-about-sex-intimacy-and-self-image.21276/

Good Luck to you!

 

[KGANT3]

Okay, so PTSD affects libido, apparantly.... Do we have any idea why? Is it a side affect of this cr...

Hello,

My fiancé has had PTSD for many years. I am not sure when it started. He was in the Marine Corps for 4 years and spent most of those four years overseas in hostile territory. He has a low sex drive, and it has caused some issues in our relationship because I want to be intimate but he just can't. We finally had a breakthrough a week ago when he explained some recurring issues from his tours in Iraq. That information, did not make me run for the hills, as he thought it would, but it made me want to be there for him even more. He is trying to work his problems out himself, because therapy never helped him. Once I found out the problem, I understand why he wants to work on it on his own. We figured out that the sex drive issue was directly related to the mental problems from his PTSD.

Over the last 7 years he has gotten so much better mentally. He no longer flinches when a car backfires, he can actually watch fireworks without freaking out, his nightmares are not as violent as they used to be (thank heavens for that), and he actually wants to hang out with our friends and leave the house. Medication never worked, it just made him a zombie and made him sleep for 16-18 hours a day. I started writing this to basically say that if you are living with a loved one with PTSD and sex drive issues, give them time. Love them how you can: holding hands, kissing them as much as you can, don't pressure them into being sexually active with you, and be as patient with them as you can. It takes time to tear down the walls and bury the demons in the back of their head.

Friends have told me to force him to get psychological help and force him to take medication. Forcing them won't help, especially if they go into the therapy session feeling as though it isn't going to help them at all. I never realized that PTSD could be directly linked to sex drive issues until I started researching it years ago. I also didn't realize how much hope they need that life can be normal again, that they will get well again, and that they can fight their demons...until my fiancé and I had a heated conversation last week.

Sorry, didn't mean to write a novel, I guess I needed to just write it down. I haven't really been able to talk to anyone that is going through this same issue as we are. We don't really have any friends or family that are experiencing these same types of issues.

 

[Wastinglight]

I haven't really been able to talk to anyone that is going through this same issue as we are. We don't really have any friends or family that are experiencing these same types of issues.

Thanks for posting this @KGANT3. I'm going through something similar. My guy was military but doesn't have combat PTSD. In the early months of our relationship it seems that our lack of sexual intimacy was primarily due to the medication he was on, plus the complications caused by having a co-morbid diagnosis of panic disorder/agoraphobia. Now he's off the meds that caused him problems, but our sex life has not improved. In fact, we haven't fooled around for quite a while now - about 6-8 weeks, I think (maybe more, it's too depressing to keep track).

I think the main problem at the moment is that, the last time we fooled around, I'm pretty sure he was close to having a panic attack afterwards. Sexual avoidance is apparently not uncommon with people who suffer from panic disorder/agoraphobia - any activity that is physically similar to having a panic attack (ie. increased heart rate, sweating, intense feelings) is avoided, for fear of bringing on an actual panic attack. I don't feel like I can talk to him about this, as it's likely he will only make an excuse as to why he's not interested in sex, and I don't think it will help if I push the issue - I don't want to embarrass him.

I usually get my intimacy needs met by non-sexual touch e.g. hugs, holding hands, snuggling in bed. At the moment he isn't very touchy-feely - and these are the times when I really struggle not to look inward and wonder whether he still finds me desirable, or whether it's something I'm doing that is causing him to abstain. @Nicolette mentioned this issue in her original post. I think it's easier to think that the problem lies with us, as it always seems easier to believe the negatives about ourselves. I think especially as women, it's difficult to accept that our male partners don't want to have sex. Certainly, I have never been in the position of being the person who wants sex more in a relationship - it's always been the other way around for me!

 

[catlover26]

I have written several posts today so some of you may already know about me. I am dating, although at my age of 55 we don't know what to call it, a vet 71 yrs old. He didn't act or seemed that old when we first met last March. But the PTSD and depression has changed him and our intimacy tremendously in the past 6 mos at least. I don't want to have sex outside of marriage. I was just divorced in 2012 and he has been too. But he has stopped the intimate times that we were having and keeps changing the reasons for stopping any of it. Some with his age he has difficulties. The VA will not give him Viagra because of other health problems if we wanted to do something just short of sex so this I know bothers him. But he goes back and forth making other excuses for us not to go 'into his bedroom' like we used to. It was always me that was initiating any of it really but lately I realized I just should stop pushing my affection of any kind on him. Getting rejected like that was putting a terrible toil on me. It is hard because I really want that closeness but he just usually doesn't respond so there is no point.

The odd thing to me is when he walks me out to the car when I am leaving his place is when he will kiss me sometimes several times. He sometimes will 'talk a good talk' like next time I will meet you at my door........... but he will admit it is all big talk. I used to find it funny but not anymore. He feels more 'safe' outside like nothing else is going to happen. Ok we can be frank and honest here if we are talking about sex, OK?
He says he gets the 'blue balls'. I am so 'green' and naive I didn't even know what that was and thought he was exaggerating until I looked it up. So I think he tries to avoid such closeness partly for that. But he gives other excuses sometimes. He also stays very tired most of the time.

It's just a roller coaster. I was over there tonight and it was more easy going and fun because a kid next door was there for a little while and it gets his mind off of things. Then when he walks me to the car he did kiss me several times and then he said something and suggested we do something that I know he really didn't mean but it was really crude. And he knew he had gone too far and walked inside. When I tried to call him to tell him I made it home he didn't answer.

This is how he will handle things. I told him after he said it that it was ok but he said it wasn't. I would rather him just tell me he was sorry but instead we won't talk for several days because he doesn't enjoy talking on the phone anymore and won't answer my calls.

Anyway, Thanks if you have made it through all of this. Our nights seem to end like that too often. I drive over there anxious and nervous not knowing how he is going to be and then after a better night than usual something like that can happen. I'm glad I found this forum to be able to talk all of this out to anyone. Thanks! :)

 

[catlover26]

Thanks for posting that KGant 3 about not having family etc. I don't know how to do it where you put the quote in your post but anyway.....

I know what you mean not having anyone to talk to. After getting a divorce my sisters didn't have much to say about me dating someone. Well my oldest one didn't like the fact that he is so much older than me. And now with all of the issues he is dealing with I have no one to turn to but all of you. I am going to a counselor now but what does she really know about what could be going on with my guy and some of the reasons he is the way that he is.

 

[intuition2015]

I have read alot of what everyone has said in their posts. But mine is a little different with my bf of two yrs, not sure if anyone has or is going through something similar that my bf always blames ptsd for his actions and im wanting to know if it can be or he is useing his ptsd as the exscuse not saying he is just dont know to much of what ptsd can affect. So im gonna give this ago and maybe someone who understands this better then i can explain it to me. So like i said we have been together two yrs, he had explained to me the best he knew how that he had ptsd from the war. Well everything was going great, are sex life was everything i could imagine we were having sex quite abit. Spending time with me, giving me hugs, but i did notice that he didnt have that touchy feely side to much u know cuddleing he did every now and then and told me he didnt have that kinda attachment. So does that have alot to do with ptsd. I have noticed he changed his mind alot told me he loved me then said he doesnt know what he feels that he doesnt know if its really love hes feeling but he knows he cares deeply for me. He tells me all the time that he dont have emotions that if he did his turns off and on all the time is that part of ptsd. I am going through just some details not everything so its not such a long post. So plz bare with me lol. That he gets bored easily, there is no communication as much as i feel there should be. The only time i can get something is at night when hes had a drink, and still sometimes not even then. When i ask him sertain things about our relationship he tells me im tired i cant deal with this is that ptsd or he is just ovoiding the conversation at hand. Our sex life i thought was doing well till recently i had no idea he was as he said bored in the bedroom he said not with me thats all good but just bored with our routine. But before i mention what he said he has never said anything to me about trying something new or different to intensify our sex life like i dont know toys positions dirty talk this is embarressing but i need to know if its me really then what hes saying. Now as far as i know he has never cheated but what i saw and read on his phone he was thinking about talking to other women but didnt cheat yet. Now when i told him what i saw and read he denyed it and said i dont know what your talking about still till this day he lies. Thats where he said hes bored that this has to do with his ptsd so this is where im confused if ptsd affects your sex life from wanting sex with your so called love one then why would he say he wants to bring another female into our bedroom for excitement so that tells me it has nothing to do with ptsd that he is just bored with me but why keep me around and tell me he dont want another to replace me just for excitement. Tells me he doesnt want me to leave but says mean things to me one second things like the only reason i dont tell u to leave is because u have no place to go, to no i still want u i dont want u to leave. Now u see my reason for being confused so does any of this sound like ptsd

 

[Sweetpea76]

Now when i told him what i saw and read he denyed it and said i dont know what your talking about still till this day he lies

why would he say he wants to bring another female into our bedroom for excitement so that tells me it has nothing to do with ptsd that he is just bored with me but why keep me around and tell me he dont want another to replace me just for excitement.

PTSD does not cause somebody to cheat or want threesomes. It may cause intimacy and relationship issues, or give somebody self destructive tendencies, what have you. However PTSD sufferers are perfectly capable of knowing right from wrong. They still ultimately make the decision to cheat. If he is using PTSD as an excuse to want threesomes, that's a stretch.

 

[intuition2015]

Thats what i was thinking sweetpea. I dont understand ptsd and im sure he doesnt tell me everything that comes with ptsd so he knows i will believe everything he says. We had gotten into an arguement when i asked him if he was going to cheat on me he kept saying no. Then i guess i made him mad for asking again he got rid of everything pics conversations but he has an email i cant see so he coud hide in that one. But he told me that he gets bored with everything from projects that he does to same thing sexually. And he pretty much blames that on his ptsd. I dont like giving up on my relationship if its worth saving and not judgeing him for what i dont understand. But wanting to cheat or thinking about it i agree does not have anything to do with ptsd. But for communication talking things out of any kind and turning feelings on and off is that part of ptsd.

 

[Sweetpea76]

But he told me that he gets bored with everything from projects that he does to same thing sexually. And he pretty much blames that on his ptsd.

Maybe a sufferer can elaborate on that... I don't know if boredom is a facet of PTSD. It is hard to say, everybody is different.