Sexual Assault Boyfriend Knows What Happened

[Mosaic]

My boyfriend knew I was assaulted, but I didn't tell him what exactly happened, I wrote a post a while ago about being unsure about telling him and decide not to.
My T told me to write an account on what happened, so I did and ended up destroying it. The other day I was feeling very emotionally built up and needed to have a very big cry so I wrote an account again.
My boyfriend knows I have a therapy book to write this stuff in and also knows I'm not ready for him to know what happened yet.
While I was at work today he read my account. What happened is much worse than what he thought had happened so understandably he is very worked up.
The person who attacked me last year remained a threat in my life for a couple of months and I made the decision not to take any action, and just try to move on, this is following an assault when I was 16 that I did report and nothing came of it added with the fact that the more recent attacker made a lot of threats and scared the hell out of me to the point where I wanted to take my life.
One of the reasons I didn't want my boyfriend to know what exactly happened is because obviously he believes people should pay for what they've done. Now he knows, he's trying to make me go to the police or tell people what he is.
He's angry that my attacker is walking around free (in the same town as me) with friends and family and a good job etc.
He thinks that I'm never going to get "closure" and wants to know how I'm going to move on if I don't stand up for myself and run away.
He's worried that this guy will do it again to another girl and will have an impact on me in the future, sending me back down a spiral if I ever see him in public and thinks that I'm only not "standing up for myself" because I'm terrified of him.
I need some support from people who know my situation and can explain that going to the police or "outing" their attacker isn't going to help when it comes to personal recovery.

 

[Mosaic]

*footnote* I don't want to take any action

 

[Eternum]

I'll be honest and say I, personally, never went through this. My mom did, however. We didn't grow up in the safest of places, so she gradually told me the stories to help me stay alert. None of her attackers, for one reason or another, ended up in jail. Part of it was that during her time, and in her area, that just wasn't a big deal. (That is beyond wrong to me on so many levels.)

What it sounds like is that your boyfriend wants that outcome for his closure. It's not really about you right now. I know when my mom told me some of what she went through I wanted to jump back in time and wrap both hands around their throats. I needed to come to terms with my own protectiveness of people I love.

My mom and I talked at length about these topics. She always saw it like this: he knows what he's done, and he's ultimately digging his own grave. His own nature would undo him. She got to live to see that happen to at least one of her attackers. Her perspective was such that if she were sitting here instead of me it'd be like this: You are not responsible for that guy, or if he chooses to go after someone else. Those are his obscene and horrible choices that he's making in his life. He's responsible for his choices, same as you're responsible for yours. You already have the wisdom to see that taking responsibility of your life means recovery, staying focused on rebuilding.

I will say I have a deep respect for people with wisdom and forgiveness like yours. My nature is such that I would be consumed by fury. I'm not nearly as mature in these matters.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

*footnote* I don't want to take any action

Then DON'T!

This is YOUR story to tell, YOUR life to live. Your boyfriend has no idea what its like to be victimized......

Dare I say this? Your boyfriend is RE-VICTIMIZING you! Yes! He is making you feel guilty for not trying to get justice!

Is he aware of the MINUTE percentage of people who actually get justice?

And I'm guessing that at this point, its a she-said/he-said sort of deal, right? So yeah, even with tons of physical evidence, the odds are stacked against you. Turn it into a case of only accusations and the chance of things getting prosecuted are pretty much NIL!

Does he know what its like to be a female in these situations? You're likely to be turned into the town whore, the one who asked for it.....This a-hole of a guy is just as likely to turn it around on you and make you out to be a drunken promiscuous slut who was all into it and wanted it. (Double standards are rampant and unfortunately we're on the losing end.)

He could turn the ENTIRE town against you. You could have your reputation trashed. You could have your safety threatened. He could engage in retribution or even re-victimize you. These are all very real possibilities. But somehow I think your boyfriend thinks its like on tv. You report the guy, they do an investigation, they bring him to justice. Well, its rarely like that.

You have a right to make your own decisions. In a perfect world you would be able to bring him to justice and stop him from hurting other women, but guess what.....that's not your responsibility. A different situation, but much the same idea.......when I see a parent screaming at a child in public, I never say anything. I know I should step up for that child, but I don't. I know that if I told others that I just walk away, I would be seen as the bad person. But am I really? Given that the parent will most likely start screaming at me and could get physical with me? I have PTSD and a verbal/physical confrontation would likely ruin my day and possibly send me into a downward spiral that could last weeks/months. I'm not willing to put my life (for the next few months) on the line. Sorry if that makes me selfish, but I need to take care of myself first.

"Justice" is a joke. I know your boyfriend probably has a noble impression of the justice system, but in sexual assault cases, there is really very little justice to be found.

Remember, this is YOUR healing journey and YOU get to control it!

I made the choice to report and then walk away. (My abuse was as a 3/4 year old, so realistically that was the extent of my "justice".) I could have sued in civil court, but that would have destroyed me with the chances of a judgment in my favor being small. (My abuser doesn't have a lot of money to my knowledge, so even if I did get a judgment, good luck collecting, right?)

Sometimes it IS better to just walk away. Sometimes fighting back is NOT the right decision because it can result in even more damage.

Please don't let anyone force you into doing something you don't want to do.

Please DO set up firm boundaries with your boyfriend. Its unacceptable that he has read your personal stuff. (And this is a prime example of why I don't think we should share the details of our trauma with our loved ones.....they take it on themselves and like here, it can turn support into......well, anti-support!)

 

[joeylittle]

He's angry

He thinks that I'm never going to get "closure"

He's worried that this guy will do it again to another girl

he believes people should pay for what they've done.

Your boyfriend is having a lot of feelings. You are not required to do anything about his feelings. If you are comfortable doing so, I'd recommend suggesting he go into therapy himself, to have a place to express and work through these feelings - because he thinks they will all go away if you report, but his feelings are not your responsibility.

While I was at work today he read my account.

I am so sorry he did this. Just, ugh. That was wrong of him. You told him you didn't want him to, and he did it anyway. This is also why none of this is your responsibility.

The person who attacked me last year remained a threat in my life for a couple of months and I made the decision not to take any action, and just try to move on, this is following an assault when I was 16 that I did report and nothing came of it added with the fact that the more recent attacker made a lot of threats and scared the hell out of me to the point where I wanted to take my life.

It's all in this paragraph. I think the only thing you need to say to him is right here in this paragraph. Give it to him in writing so he can really read it carefully.

I need some support from people who know my situation and can explain that going to the police or "outing" their attacker isn't going to help when it comes to personal recovery.

Just validating this - outing the attacker has nothing to do with whether or not you get better. I hate to say it, but the risks are higher on the other side - certainly the emotional risk, of reporting and having nothing happen, again. That's real for you right now. And second, the environmental risk. Some people are vengeful. And even if they are not - reporting, having nothing come of it, and then living in the region where your attacker knows you reported - that is a level of psychological stress that is extreme.

I have absolutely no idea how this goes down in the UK - whether it's an easier crime to prosecute. But here in the US, a year out from the event, without having done a rape kit, potentially without any evidence - you wouldn't win. It's that simple. I hate to say it, but its true.

Anyway - I'm echoing what posters above me have written - but I hope it helps to send you strength. You really do know what's right for you, and you come across in your post as having a really good handle on what you need and don't need right now. Trust yourself. Try and not win the argument - you don't have to win the argument, there is no argument, you will do what is right for you, full stop.

 

[Anarchy]

Hugs, if you'll have them.

This is also why none of this is your responsibility.

Just to repeat Joey's words. You are in no way responsible for what the creep who attacked you did, or what he may do in the future.
The responsibility for his actions are 100% his.

There may be exceptions, but the pessimism of the guys who have commented so far is sadly very well founded. British police tend to operate by minimising, invalidation an victim blaming. They don't like the paperwork, it messes up their performance indicators, and they get paid just the same, whether they bother or they don't.

Even if it did go to the cps and they cleared it for prosecution, you would then be re traumatized in court.

Even if you or your bf was inclined to get the perp a good kicking (I don't think either of you is that sort of person), that would only serve to bring memories back along with guilty feelings.

I think your chosen path is the right one.

Hope this helps

@

 

[Tinyflame]

Just to repeat Joey's words. You are in no way responsible for what the creep who attacked you did, or what he may do in the future.
The responsibility for his actions are 100% his.

I think your chosen path is the right one.

This is HUGE. Thank you.

 

[Mosaic]

Thank you for all the comments everyone, I feel very supported and more focused to keep going the way I am.
My boyfriends initial shock seems to have died down and he's stopped trying to convince me to deal with things his way.
I've told him if he has any questions he can ask them and he's said he has many but he doesn't know what to ask (not sure what that means).
Big thanks again for the support :)

 

[Anarchy]

Perhaps not the most helpful way for him to show you, but I guess he has demonstrated that he cares about you.

 

[Deleted member 30331]

In a way, I'm slightly surprised by my own reaction to what you have said. I'm an old widower whose wife died when our daughter was still a child. I reared our daughter with love and my best protection, and now she's grown with a little daughter of her own. So I read your plight with appropriate outrage toward your attacker.

At first, I empathized with your boyfriend's reaction. I think it is a typically male reaction, but after reading other replies to you, I see more clearly. Your boyfriend is clumsily re-traumatizing you, and if he persists, he definitely needs counseling or rejection by you. You don't need baggage like his failure to support you in your recovery. Do what you know is best for you.

I think one of the immediate things you might consider is demanding not only his silence on the matter, but a believable and permanent apology for having violated your trust by reading your private journal. Take care of yourself, dear.

Get past the immediate terror if you can, and don't put up with your boyfriend's intrusion where he doesn't belong--what else is that, but another form of rape.

 

[Hooper]

This triggers a host of emotions in me. For one I understand where your boyfriend is coming from. What I don't get is why he invaded your privacy. I say this having taken information my wife gave me about her rapist and doing my own investigative work in the sleepless hours that followed for months after she told me the details of her rape. Some here found that a violation but I never would have gone into her private space and I agree I probably shouldn't have done what I did. The reason I did though is I agree there is no justice. I'm with Itskismet on this issue. In my opinion the justice system benefits 3 groups in this order:
1. The administrators of the law.
2. Those who break the law.
3. The rest of us who it was intended for and sexual assault victims fall even lower in this subset.
I'll admit my views are extreme but I truly believe there are people that shouldn't be walking on this planet with the rest of us. Sexual predators fall in that category. I really wish I could go back in time when I did not know the details. I would be hesitant to give them and I think your boyfriend should really ask himself if he really wants to know. Having a name and a face of a person walking around who raped my wife is a heavy responsibility that has put me in therapy. It is tough to let go of and I don't know that I ever completely will. I wish you and your boyfriend the best. I don't know what else to add but the perspective of another man in your boyfriends shoes. Hopefully it helps.