Has Ptsd Every Made You Really Question Who You Are? Feeling Very Confused...

[Chava]

I get what you're saying about levels. I think I was playing avoidance/distraction games for a long time because I didn't want to look under the layers too.

I do a lot of avoidance. It helps me to remember I am still "me" and that I've always been able to feel, but have not felt safe enough or had the resources to work with the really difficult things...so as I feel safe or get resources, a layer of avoidance or distraction or numbness falls away and it feels confusing and terrible, but I'm surviving.

interesting about trauma shutting down the language centres in the brain. That makes me feel a bit better! My therapist is very patient and never tries to push too hard - I used to find that a bit frustrating because I just wanted to get on with it and thought she was holding us back but, now I've experienced what doing some of the deeper work is like, I understand that she was just trying to ensure that it was manageable for me.

Sounds like you have a good therapist. With a former therapist I could talk about work or anything ho-hum, even bits of trauma from a detached position. But if I'm really going somewhere I have many moments where I can't talk. That's where I'm getting closer to trauma and the trick is to not go there 100% (brain scans of people reliving their trauma shows a shutdown in the left brain and parts of the frontal cortext)...so in therapy we're working on finding the edge of the trauma but also staying present. Just talking through it doesn't work in most cases because we're at too much of a distance. So, when it's hard for you to talk and feels like you might be far away in terms of moving in the right direction, you might actually be getting closer. But great if your therapist can keep it slow so you can talk or respond a little bit...or find the words soon after. That's sort of how it's been going for me.

 

[barefoot]

@Chava - your posts have been so helpful. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I forgot to tell you that I am a very different person than the person I was when I started therapy. In the beginning I had an identity crises and I so wanted to become a real person. I am way more authentic now. I love myself now and before I was full of self hate and self loathing and had no self esteem.

Some of the changes have proved very challenging for me and i still struggle at times. The few friends I have now are real down to earth people whom I trust.

I have matured over the years and have finally begun to grow up into a pretty good person.

My journals were so chock full of the anguish in my very painful and costly learning experiences I had to go through in order to learn a better and more healthy way to be.

 

[barefoot]

@gizmo - it sounds like you've been on quite a journey! I'm so glad that you've got to a much better and more authentic place with yourself. That was inspiring to read.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Self care is HARD! I don't know why, but it just is....for many of us, anyway. I'm doing a lot better than I was in the past, but I still struggle with eating well, getting exercise, even showering enough at times, sad to say. (Its sort of a function of my never needing to be anywhere, ever.) Its hard to do even the little things! I have a set of coping skills that actually work, but when I'm in the midst of it all, my mind is a blank slate and I need a reminder to do simple things like breathe and meditate.

 

[SnowJo]

I am starting to think that counselling can be detrimental when they "abnormalise" my experiences and my sense of self... Milton Erickson wrote many articles complaining that the the medical profession often either kept people sick, or sometimes added to the problems by "looking down on the patient" instead of looking at them as an equal, perfectly capable person that had adapted to an abnormal situation and sometimes needed your help to untangle it. The clear emphasis from Erickson was that the patient got well, he didn't make them well, they are the ones that rewire themselves, not you.

I am saying this because I am currently very upset with the counselor I have been seeing for the past 3.5 years that has been "abnormalising" my experiences, and whilst some of the trauma stuff may have been helpful, I no longer believe she is good for me, and I think she is actually damaging my self identity and self esteem by constantly abnormalising my experiences.

She has an obsession with the term "selves" which I have told her repeatedly its a load of rubbish and a construct used by some for therapy, and that I do not find it in anyway helpful and she needs to stop it. I have asked her not to continue down this track at least 20 times now, and I am now furious that she just sent me an email, repeating the same B.S.

I guess what I am trying to say is be careful about what their process, their view of you is, and the goals of therapy. It's your life, (in this case its my life) and It's my journey and I should not have to feel like I am defending myself every time I see her. So I am going to tell her its coming to an end and that I simply have CLEAR boundaries for her to respect now - no "Selves" talk, because it does not fit, I have no memory loss, I know what's happening and her focusing my therapy on trauma for 3.5 years is a big part of the problems that happen within the therapy "construct".

No one could be "normal" feeling or experiencing that trauma. I am normal outside of those experiences and she is retriggering me again and again and again deliberately not and whilst she might not see this as abusive, I think I have decided not to be the victim of it anymore regardless of her intentions or not.

I can't make her a better counselor, I can only vote with my feet.

 

[SnowJo]

I do a lot of avoidance. It helps me to remember I am still "me" and that I've always been able to feel, b...

hey can you point me to that research please of "brain scans of people reliving their trauma shows a shutdown in the left brain and parts of the frontal cortext)" as I want to discuss this with my current therapist as she is abnormalising what is happening for me when I am re-experiencing some of the worst trauma... and I feel she's abusing me by further creating issues that don't exist... No one can be normal experiencing that kind of trauma and your statement shows me that there is actually something happening in the brain to support my theory. thanks

 

[Smile]

@barefoot , you are sooo not alone. I must thank you... I feel as though you have expressed my past few years almost identically! I know how crappy that feels and I'm sorry you're going through it now :(

Trust the "more experienced" responses you've received. They've been through it & survived :)

 

[barefoot]

@SnowJo – sorry to hear you're having this difficult experience with your counsellor. I agree with you – you shouldn't feel like you're having to defend yourself whenever you see her. And, of course, all therapists should work on the basis that they should do no harm and that everything they do must be in service to you. I hope you can either find a way through this with your current counsellor or else find someone new to work with who doesn't minimise your experiences and make you feel like you have to justify yourself.

My therapist's approach very much puts me at the centre of the work and how we work. She definitely doesn't 'look down on me' – yes, the therapeutic relationship has a very unique dynamic but in terms of doing the work it does feel like an equal and collaborative relationship. And there have definitely been times when both of us have put our cards on the table and been really honest with the other one – and those moments have always been useful, powerful moments, which have gone on to deepen and strengthen our relationship/space. There's not a sense of she's the all-powerful one who's going to fix me. Yes, she can guide me, support me and hold the space for me – and the way she does those things is crucial. But I'm the one who ultimately has to do the work to heal myself.

 

[The Albatross]

Has Ptsd Every Made You Really Question Who You Are?

Yup. Most certainly. It is sometimes though illuminating and beneficial... more or better than my old tapes and inner critic say I am.

 

[Johnman1371]

I'm struggling a bit at the moment. With a few things actually but mainly, I think, with the idea that...

Thank you so much for speaking the words I wish I could put together myself. You must have come very far to be able to say what you said so clearly. I myself have been through a lot. You basically spoke from my own heart. Thank you.

 

[barefoot]

All the best to you @Johnman1371