Programs

[Valentino]

Here's an 'out of the box' theory exploring what might be going on with your core program. It was a bit rushed and maybe a bit too direct, so if it doesn't make sense or sounds too crazy, then just consider it as speculative fiction.

One which I had no control over for the longest time but is not higher up the brain structure ladder. I can see it as such now but have no idea how to break it.

not falling victim to a random event (without the capacity to think through the consequences) is bang on. Good get.

My idea was to blow it up completely rather than re-enforce it

What I'm noticing here is a common theme around control. The 'housing situation & boxes' is the fixation, but the feeling is that you don't feel enough control & predictability, so to compensate for this feeling of 'lack of control', your brain wears glasses that filter/distort your perception of reality, constantly scanning for any signs of potential rejection leading to eventual isolation.

very open to scanning for not being wanted.

When your instincts detect signs, looks or behaviors that match feelings of 'not being wanted', this triggers childhood survival programs which are fight based 'hit & run', blow up and run away first. These are strategies to avoid feeling deeply out of control, rejected and eventually totally isolated and alone.

I must disappear to save myself and recognize that in the moment,

Not only is this is a program, this is part of your identity and childhood imprint. Deep down in your core, you likely feel very alive and possibly excited when you're reactive and running away. This feeds an addiction like need for control, need to resist against, need for validation through acting out of deep unresolved feelings of lack of control that haven't been grieved and integrated.

But instinctive 'hit & run' doesn't really plan where to run away to. There is a temporary sense of control when you're resisting against the perceived rejection trigger, but after you've run away, there's nothing else to resist against, and now where do you actually run away to, especially when your resistance target is 'home' (ie. 'a sense of belonging')? This brings up feelings of isolation and confusion, which triggers the survival instincts of orientating response & shock.

Extreme disorientation where I can't get my bearings as to where I am (even if I know the place well).

Trying to rationalize and use adult socialization with a raw emotional program is unlikely to make much real progress. That would be like talking in big words and abstract concepts with a baby or young child.

At the raw emotional level, there's an inner child that is fixated with lack of control, lack of predictability, lack of stability, etc. That inner child needs to feel heard, believed and accepted. Resisting that child's reality with rationalizations, more control, fixing, etc. only validates and strengthens her 'lack of control' beliefs. Deep listening helps to drop defenses, resistance and control increases defenses and resistance.

An open and healing approach needs to be consistent, predictable, loving and accepting. At first the inner child will be skeptical to this foreign feeling of secure attachment (safe, seen & soothed) and test it by resisting and acting out. But that's when more patience, space, compassion and unconditional love comes in, to flood these old sacred emotional wounds with honor and care. This is how the grieving process heals and integrates losses and old wounds, transforming suffering into new living.

I have to be honest, this is one of the MOST challenging things I have to work with.

The most challenging things in life often have within, the seeds to the most fulfilling gifts to transformational growth, deeper meaning and more life.

 

[Ronin]

If I walk towards the house (to go in) it retriggers the program. If I walk away from the house it would retrigger the program as well

... So what about thinking about the house itself differently?

Sort of like, the house may be the trap, but it doesn't have to if you're the trapper & change where you put it thinking. You're not a mouse choosing to be trapped & how, you're the girl who has all the cheese in the world.

Now to figure how to make it work with houses.

 

[ghotiff]

This post will either be useful or massively missing the mark but as I know that you (shimmerz) are open to tangent ideas, I'll post it.

When triggered, the one year old in you feels unwanted. You react to that by wanting to leave, but have nowhere to go.

My thought is to create somewhere for that one year old to go. Similar to the bathroom/under dining table places. What I would create in that space is what a one year old would want for comfort and all within reach. For me knowing have something available makes a huge difference, I don't need to use it, but I need to see/hold it.

So a box or shelf in that space for a one year olds comfort and survival. Eg pacifier, bottle, milk (long life), teddy, blanket, jars of baby food etc.

If possible I would put this box together with a friend (as many friends who might help). Then this box represents everyone (including you) who wants to help care and support this one year old.

The five languages of love might be helpful to consider with this box. Apparently child love language differs from an adult, so you would want to appeal to as many as you can eg
Gifts - a friend could buy you the stuffed animal
Acts of service - a friend could help you "build" the space, or pack the box.
Etc

Then, as others have said above, open the box regularly when not triggered and remember and try to feel how wanted you are, because you are.

Another thing to add to this box, but for the older you is a book with printouts or quotes from us here that have expressed our care and appreciation for you. Choose the quits that make you feel it, maybe it's the sheer volume of people who respond to your posts, whatever resonates to you.

Hope that helps somehow....

 

[shimmerz]

what you did with that is grab words & come to us with requests of how to fix that stuff. Brilliant cooperation, you two!

Thank you so much Cashew. I really appreciate that. Truly.

Dropping: why is it scary & what does it mean?

Dropping means stumbling to a spot that feels safe and lying down. Totally immobile. Key words that are deceivers 'feels safe'. When this happened to me last week the 'plan' was to walk up the road (np), walk across a highway (just 2 lanes but cars come fast), walk to a trail, walk down the trail (mountain trail with river and it is a long drop to the river), find a spot and lie down. All of these things navigated with the capacity of a one year old and cognition of a split mainly 1 year old/slight adult. I could perhaps, drop anywhere along the trip. I doubt my 1 year old would make it all the way down the trail - which means I would walk until I dropped anywhere along the way. All to get to a place that nobody would find 'me' there. I would be immobile for an indefinite period of time. There are cougars in them 'thar hills, actually they wander along the road outside the house as well .... not to mention Sun would have NO idea where I was and would be absolutely frantic. It would trigger the shit out of her.

In the old days I used to go to my car and broil (and not feel myself broil) but I don't have a car now - that was my safe place. In the winter I would walk as far as I could, find a ditch and curl up in it. Made no difference how cold it was. A friend would drive around frantically to find me (which he usually did as it was not a wilderness area. If he had not looked for me i would have frozen over night. Or broiled in my car. We all knew that.

I just can't do that to the people I love. And who love me.

Break time. Smoke. Will return as I have noticed yet more really helpful posts here. Thank you all so much.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't know if the connection to this topic will be obvious, but there is one. @shimmerz posted in another thread "What the Cat Dragged In" about our new cat and how easily she (the cat) moved in and made herself at home, and the lessons there. Today, I was petting the cat and she bit me (playing, but fairly enthusiastically) and I raised my voice in a loud "no!" We were busy after that and don't know whether she was around until near night when we went out to look for her. As mentioned in the post above, there are cougars. Cats need to come in at night. We looked for a long time, until it was too dark to see.

Did the cat interpret what to me meant a simple "no biting" as something very different? Is this a direct consequence? Perhaps unanswerable, but significant under the circumstances. Lousy timing, if ever this had to happen.

All good vibes of whatever kind appreciated.

 

[sun seeker]

At the raw emotional level, there's an inner child that is fixated with lack of control, lack of predictability, lack of stability, etc. That inner child needs to feel heard, believed and accepted. Resisting that child's reality with rationalizations, more control, fixing, etc. only validates and strengthens her 'lack of control' beliefs. Deep listening helps to drop defenses, resistance and control increases defenses and resistance.

@Valentino, I think this is brilliant. Thank you so much for your insight.

An open and healing approach needs to be consistent, predictable, loving and accepting. At first the inner child will be skeptical to this foreign feeling of secure attachment (safe, seen & soothed) and test it by resisting and acting out. But that's when more patience, space, compassion and unconditional love comes in, to flood these old sacred emotional wounds with honor and care.

Do you have any ideas about how this would work in concrete terms? What would this process involve?

 

[Valentino]

A proper attitude is important when dealing with raw emotions. With the right attitude and approach, you can do all the wrong things and still end up with progress. With a wrong attitude, you can do everything perfectly but still fail.

Attitude is probably even more important when working with childhood triggers, because this is communicating with parts of the brain and memory that are before abstract thinking or even pre-verbal (before actual language).

I'm reminded of "Guest House" a poem by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
—Rumi

Working with inner children triggers isn't that different than a parent dealing with a child's tantrum, here's some tips from that perspective:

Therefore, it is especially valuable for you to make a point of being with your child in order to assist the her in coping with her powerful emotions.
When your child is having a tantrum or meltdown, you can sit with her as she goes through the tantrum. Do not try to talk your child out of her feelings, do not try to coax her or appeal to her logic. Do not get angry or offer a response that will fuel her anger and frustration. Let your child know that even though she feels like she is coming apart at the seams, you are comfortable with her emotions.
...
The worst thing that adults can do when a child is having a tantrum or meltdown is become frustrated and agitated themselves; this will only heighten their child’s tension. By maintaining a calm, understanding and patient attitude, you create a stabilizing presence that will hold the child emotionally. The child who fears that she will fragment will feel contained by the adult and her agitation will subside. In cases where your child is feeling intense anger, you can hold her gently but firmly, allowing her to vent her rage.

The child having a temper tantrum or meltdown experiences the entire world as being overwhelmed by the emotions that she is feeling. By showing the child that you are not only not overwhelmed, but not threatened or upset by these emotions, you are offering your child a way out of a state that she perceives as inescapable.
-- full article: http://www.psychalive.org/what-to-do-about-tantrums-and-emotional-meltdowns/

Another children learning angle is the work of Dr. Ross Greene originally called Collaborative Problem Solving, he has recognized that the norm in modern socialization & education is to default with 'unilaterally' imposed "Might makes Right" (Plan A) against bad behavior, and he's devised an alternative approach (Plan B) of problem solving collaboratively and proactively.

the single most important theme of Dr. Greene's model: Kids do well if they can. In other words, if your child could do well, he would do well...if your child had the skills to exhibit adaptive behavior, he wouldn’t be exhibiting challenging behavior. That’s because doing well is always preferable to not doing well.
...
Your explanation guides your intervention. Restated, your explanation for your child's challenging behavior has major implications for how you'll try to help. If you believe that your child is challenging because of lagging skills and unsolved problems, then rewarding and punishing may not be the ideal approach.
...
there are three ways to handle a problem with your behaviorally challenging child: Plan A, which is where you're solving the problem unilaterally; Plan B, which is where you're solving the problem collaboratively and proactively; and Plan C, which is where you're setting an unsolved problem aside for now (not because you're giving in, but because you're not going to be able to work on all the unsolved problems at once).
--- source article: http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents

What should we be doing differently to help these kids better than we're helping them now?
If challenging behavior is set in motion by lagging skills and not lagging motivation, then it's easy to understand why rewarding and punishing a kid may not make things better. Since challenging behavior occurs in response to highly predictable unsolved problems, then challenging kids – and the rest of us – would probably be a whole lot better off if we tried to solve those problems. But if we solve them unilaterally, through imposition of adult will (something referred to as Plan A), then we'll only increase the likelihood of challenging episodes and we won't solve any problems durably. Better to solve those problems collaboratively (Plan B) so the kid is a fully invested in solving the problems, solutions are more durable, and (over time) the kid -- and often the adults as well -- learn the skills they were lacking all along. Plan B involves three basic ingredients. The first ingredient – called the Empathy step – involves gathering information so as to achieve the clearest understanding of the kid's concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem. The second ingredient (called the Define the Problem step) involves entering the adult concern or perspective on the same unsolved problem into consideration. The third ingredient (called the Invitation step) involves having the adult and kid brainstorm solutions so as to arrive at a plan of action that is both realistic and mutually satisfactory…in other words, a solution that addresses both concerns and that both parties can actually do.
-- full article: Link Removed

other video links that don't embed:
http://www.kidsinthehouse.com/expert/parenting-advice-from-ross-w-greene-phd#
https://vimeo.com/nasponline/2014-convention-keynote

 

[sun seeker]

@Valentino, I understand from the above that you are talking about working with inner children. Thank you. That's the part I wasn't clear on. The issue here as I see it is what happens when there is flooding by that child so the adult part takes up too small an amount of consciousness to be able to act in the role of caring and calm adult. I suppose this is where the various strategies on preparing ahead of time to give that child somewhere safe to go come in. Setting up what would feel safe in the particular situation described is another question to ponder. Thank you for clarifying.

 

[Valentino]

Instead of trying to get stronger and faster in the midst of triggered emotional flooding, why not try to get smarter, flexible and more observant?

This is how most people respond to natural disasters. If there's a hurricane or tornado coming, people hunker down or run for cover. How many people try to get stronger and faster, live their life normally, and try to ignore or push through a hurricane storm with sheer force and will?

It is a similar dynamic with swimming in the ocean. If a big wave is coming, if you try out out-run the wave last minute or just swim through the big wave, both of those strategies are very risky and likely lead to injury or death. Smarter strategies would be to always stay observant of oncoming waves. If you see a big one forming, you can swim into it while it's small and do okay. If it's too big to do that, you can duck under the wave by diving down and waiting for the big wave to pass overhead. Or if you're way out in the ocean in the midst of big waves, you can swim zig-zag sideways to more manage-ably make it back to shore.

I think that people are socialized to waste the benefits and power of their social brains by trying to make happiness permanent, and trying to force the world to fit into their own comfort zone. This is totally going against human nature and the reality of the world. Who would want to watch a movie that starts with 'happily ever after' followed by a dull comfortable life? Who wants to play a game that you just stay in one safe area, with no risks, gains, challenges, or excitement? Who wants to travel to a new place, and spend all their time in a predictable and familiar indoor area? (opps bad example, American's style of travel is to go to cookie cutter like resorts all across the world with similar activities)

The social brain allows social learning through relationships with self, others and life experiences. Instead of directing it in a controlling or defensive way, why not direct it towards listening, learning, growing and being more open to life. With more social learning, we get smarter because we learn from past experiences, we get more flexible because we learn how to better adapt and work within relationships, and we get more observant because we're developing concentration by practicing more focused open attention. With practice we become better at recognizing our triggers earlier before they get out of control, proactively responding to them with less effort and more ease. Eventually learning to recognize the deeper core issues or underlying lacking skills, and then we can address them and be free from their related triggers.

-----

btw.. rushed response, sorry if comes across too direct, impersonal or foreign... about to head off for week long vacation, so my future responses will be more erratic..

 

[shimmerz]

It was a bit rushed and maybe a bit too direct, so if it doesn't make sense or sounds too crazy

Your posts never seem that way to me @Valentino. It took me a bit to get to it as I am attempting to take this in and give great thought to all posts as they are all truly valuable to me.

'lack of control', your brain wears glasses that filter/distort your perception of reality, constantly scanning for any signs of potential rejection leading to eventual isolation.

Yes, definitely. And the interesting thing is about all of this, is that it is Sun who is seeing the parallels in the triggers. To me, most of these things would be random events, but because we posted ridiculous amounts before I came out here, she knows my story. She is seeing the reactivity as it relates to houses or boxes. Interesting. She keeps reminding me of 'events' that someone I have lost unless reminded of. It is invaluable information.

need for validation through acting out of deep unresolved feelings of lack of control that haven't been grieved and integrated.

Do you feel it is this high up in the brain @Valentino? I would love your take on this. It feels so core, as you stated in the first sentence of this paragraph. Is it lack of control or is it survival?

At the raw emotional level, there's an inner child that is fixated with lack of control, lack of predictability, lack of stability, etc.

Yes, this is very true.

Deep listening helps to drop defenses, resistance and control increases defenses and resistance.

Can deep listening apply to a pre-verbal child? Not doubting, but very interested to hear more on this. Hmmm, but yes, that has been my experience too that 'what you resist persists'. Hmmmm. Not sure my brain is figuring out how not to resist this.

safe, seen & soothed

YIKES! There is such a thing? :wideeyed:

test it by resisting and acting out.

This is SO the scary part. But yes, I understand this. I wonder how this would look. Takes sometimes just a sideways glance to get me going.

to flood these old sacred emotional wounds with honor and care.

I almost feel that this needs to be a thread! I so want to know how to do this! I think my easy fix is to call myself an idiot and throw firewood around or something. I so default to the non honour and care model.

I am interested in your responses if you have time! I hope you are well my friend. :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

Note to self. Check ALL pages before posting. I did it again! Was on page 2 and didn't realize Page 3 existed! One day I will learn.

 

[shimmerz]

but as I know that you (shimmerz) are open to tangent ideas, I'll post it.

lol. Yes, Ghotiff, that is so true. I am definitely open to tangent ideas and yours has been a great help. Sun and I spoke about this on the porch today (I got the throne) :banghead: and feel as if I don't have 'attachments to 1 year old things BUT..... I do have child/adult 'things' that get me grounded and all excited in a kid kinda way.
1. Sparkles (thus the name Shimmerz)
2. Shimmerzville has helped as I have imagined myself as both an adult AND and child there. So perhaps I could draw a picture of it from both perspectives - with perhaps a 'safe place' that can be a 'house' but not a traditional house, if you know what i mean
3. Smells (pretty smells)
4. Makeup (to help me grow up)
5. Nail polish (to help me focus on my body)
6. Pictures of princesses (of which I am not nor was I ever but perhaps should indulge myself at times)

When I am out and feeling disconnected, I will walk into the local drug store and put on hand cream and smell it, throw on makeup testers and blush and lipstick (I don't wear any of this stuff normally). Shimmery stuff on my eyes and if I get big enough, I can even put on mascara and eye liner. Hmmmmm....

I wonder if I had a closet (one I am thinking of in a room I have an affinity to) and threw a mirror and chair and little table in there and that was my 'grow up' room. Idk...is this along the lines of your thoughts? I know it helps me greatly if I need to ground while out shopping - almost every time. Then of course I rub it all off but I walk out with smells etc that make me feel more grown up.

Hmmm, Sun and I also spoke about what I used to wear to help me ground (although I didn't know it).
7. Earrings that jingle if I move my head.
8. An anklet that feels 'heavy' and has pretty jewels hanging off of it.

Now that I think of it.... I should have been doing this for ages. I do it outside of the house. Rarely thought of it inside of the house. Great idea. Thank you so much!

Sun, wondering if we can set this up and perhaps I should be doing this every day to 'grow up' as quite honestly, every day of my young life all I wanted to be was a grown up.