Have You Ever Had Your Mental Health Thrown Back At You

[anonymous]

Hi,
The only reason I am posting this as anonymous is if ever my children found out I was on this site I wouldn't want them to see this. Most will guess who I am please just don't mention it on this thread.

My children are wonderful and I am a grandmother now. My son has a child. I have been worried about their drinking my son and his partner drink every night. At least a dozen and more on the weekends. Both sides of their family's have really bad drinking problems in parents and grand parents and most family members. I have never drunk as my abuser drank heavy. My husband was an alcoholic but now doesn't drink, so my children grew up with it. I love my children to bits and my daughter in law is amazing with their child. It doesn't affect their child but the child is only young. I really worry about the amount of alcohol and normally as people get older is often happens they drink more.

I have ask is they would like any help a couple of times but she said I know I have a problem but I love drinking.
I get on very well with both of them, but when I rang and talked with my son this last time, I said to him ;

I am getting a bit worried about the amount the both of you are drinking and I just worry about you as most Mums do, he then replied to me and said havent you got enough of your own problems to deal with. The other time I said something I ask about going to counselling and he said it hasn't helped you much.

I just feel like the most useless person on the planet at the moment and never really want to say anything to anybody ever again. Your family tells it to you more than other people, is this what most people think about me ?
I never say anything as I am so scared of getting told off all the time I very really ever voice any opinion and now am heart broken to think that my children might think of me as just a Mental Health head case.

Have any of you ever been judged by your Mental Health ?

I just feel like anything I ever say from now on will never have the same meaning as if they hadn't known about my past and my health problems. I only told them a year or so ago, as I couldn't hold off as they were asking questions to their Dad. I just lost my Mum a few months ago and now I just feel everthing that she has told me is now what my own children are thinking of me.

That I am not as good of Mum as other Mums without Mental Health problems and I have to live with that for the rest of my life in their eyes I just think they see all the problems I have and I feel I will never be what they grew up thinking I was. They will always be able to throw that in my face everytime I say something now.


I just feel so sad and upset, I'm heart broken.

 

[anonymous]

Have any of you ever been judged by your Mental Health ?

Yes, my whole family did this to me in past and now I have left all of them. It's freeing to leave such people who get bitter instead of trying to understand the situation and fire your own problems back at you.

It's not classy in the least.

I am sorry your family is doing this to you. It's heart breaking, I know how you feel. You expect them to be understanding, you expect them to understand your mother's role and there they gave back it to you. This is not how you solve your problems within you family.

Please don't compare yourself with other mothers. Being a mother is very difficult responsibility to perform. You are trying to do it and it is so nice to see a good mother online! World is full of bad mothers today! World needs an example of good mother like you.

I will never tell you to do this and do that. I will always try to understand you, your thoughts and feelings. I respect you utmost. You are most welcome.

Hugs.
I chose to be anonymous just like you and I think you can guess who I am!

 

[anonymous]

Thank you very much and yes I can guess

 

[jaccat]

It sounds to me more like they're using it as a defense because they can't bear to face the reality of what you're saying to them. It's something my family do often. If I tell them I don't like something about their lives they immediately swing it round and point out the 'faults' with mine.

Drinking is a massive problem in my family. At least 3 generations of alcoholics, in this generation 3 of my 5 siblings are alcoholics (and one is also a drug addict). I don't drink at all. Never have.

I've learned from them, and it's a horrible truth, that they're never going to get better until they're ready to help themselves. And nothing I can say will make that change. It doesn't stop me loving them, but I no longer let myself get so involved. I've been hurt by them too often. And truth is, I need to come first.

 

[Neverthesame]

That I am not as good of Mum as other Mums without Mental Health problems

I wanted to start with saying, I just cannot accept that as valid. I have seen with my own eyes, far too often. Mothers with more money, time and no obvious mental illness, who can't be bothered to try to raise their own children.

Now that I have said that.

I come from a family of alcoholics, both sides, as far back as anyone can remember. @jaccat said it perfectly. I remember years ago I did the same thing to my mother when she warned me about my drinking. I didn't want to hear it, but she was right. I was becoming just like everyone else in my family, a miserable drunk. It wasn't even like it was a surprise, I knew she was right. I didn't want to admit it was becoming a problem.

I didn't appreciate it then, but I did think about it, every time I drank that weighed on me, wasn't enough to stop. That was up to me to decide to stop. But now, over 4 years without a drop, my mother is one of the reasons I stay sober.

Hopefully one day your kids will see what they are doing to themselves. Either way, it's not on you, they have to decide to finish growing up on their own.

I hope they come around, the bottle is a hard demon to fight.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Have any of you ever been judged by your Mental Health ?

Yes...but their 'aim' was so lousy and condescending, that I cracked up in laughter in front of them.

That I am not as good of Mum as other Mums without Mental Health problems and I have to live with that for the rest of my life in their eyes I just think they see all the problems I have and I feel I will never be what they grew up thinking I was. They will always be able to throw that in my face everytime I say something now.

Fear is a mind killer. Absolutes or words like "never, always, everytime" may signal all or nothing thinking which takes us down the rabbit hole. Therefore, consider Alanon for establishing boundaries for you with respect to their drinking or how to assist without enabling. Perhaps read up a tad within this board for some familiarity on lurking cognitive distortions in order to reframe some of those painful thoughts. And last but not least, buff a boot until it shines...so IF the kids get too disrespectful they can see it coming. :clown::hug::hug:

Honestly...you are not less of a Mom because you are not perfect! The slot of Mother Mary is already taken anyhow. SO be proud of you and please be gentle to yourself.:hug::hug::hug: There is enough worry within each day by itself. Just take one day at a time, moment by moment while accepting that you are enough in this moment to be fully loved and to love back.

 

[anonymous]

@Recovery4Me :tup: whole post.

 

[InvisibleSun]

It sounds to me more like they're using it as a defense because they can't bear to face the reality of what you're saying to them. It's something my family do often. If I tell them I don't like something about their lives they immediately swing it round and point out the 'faults' with mine.

Exactly..I go through this a lot too with my family and it is so frustrating and hurtful..

 

[Forgetful]

I'm sorry you're going through that. Especially from your own family, the very people you should be able to count on to give you support. I agree with the suggestion to try Alanon. I wish you well.

I'm lucky I guess. Even though my family doesn't really understand what I go through daily, they support me.

The backlash I am experiencing comes from my daughter's new mother in law.
My daughter's first child is due in October and when her mother in law found out I have PTSD she told J not to let me be alone with the baby! I assume she thinks we're all become suddenly violent during flashbacks because this is how PTSD is portrayed in the media.

While I admit that I do sometimes throw things in the kitchen nobody is in there when I do. I have NEVER harmed either of my children nor my 2 year old grandchild who is with me 5 days a week.

 

[SnowJo]

Hi,
The only reason I am posting this as anonymous is if ever my children found out I was on this sit...

He is lashing out to stop you from saying something you needed to say. Deflecting from a problem he doesn't want to look at by hurting you. Put a glass wall up when you have to say stuff that's important for your grandkids. I am lucky my daughter and son in law don't drink but there are still times I need to say something as a loving family member and it doesn't land very well and I too get lashed out at in very hurtful ways. I am in ongoing counselling so I am fortunate to have the support to know I just need to learn to remain calm and stay strong as sometimes something does need saying. That's what love is . But they certainly don't thank you for it. The opposite, I get accused of abusing them by critiquing them and pushed out. It's very tough it's a balance of learning to say things better but also to tough out the backlash sometimes and remind them I love them I am here for them and I want them to have the world and happiness. I can only imagine Your pain. What your grandkids will need us you, being strong, being there and having time with them. Maybe that's something they are unwilling to look at but don't loose contact over it.

 

[ZebraWestie]

I used to drink and I can't count the amount of times my mum tried to warn me of the dangers but I ignored her, regardless of my own MH issues until I was ready. I stopped initially for my daughters sake but I had to do it for myself, I've been free for almost 2 years now but I find the majority of people (non-family included) that drink more than they know is good for themselves become defensive and show clear signs of denial in this manner. As for the rest, I don't believe any of it is true, I suspect it is a combination of your own distorted thinking that likes to put you down, your own fears about how your illness may have affected your children and their attitude of blame anything else except the REAL problem (drinking). That's denial. The other thing I have learnt is that people that behave in this way mostly do so because of their mistaken belief that it helps their stressful situation, it's a type of self-medicating gone wrong. Aside from my own views I am thoroughly inclined to believe those responses above mine too. Please try not to think about it too much and believe in your self x

 

[Neverthesame]

people that behave in this way mostly do so because of their mistaken belief that it helps their stressful situation, it's a type of self-medicating gone wrong

Yup, this was the first thing I noticed when I quit the sauce. All the wild, crazy, generally unpleasant stuff that more than once nearly landed me in jail, suddenly stopped happening when I stopped drinking.

I just wish common sense ran as freely as the wine. I can only imagine the worry I put my mum through. Denial is a powerful thing.