Sexual Assault Feels Like Rape, But Was I To Blame?

[Alienna]

Here comes the super short version, can't deal with thinking about it for too long. Having real problems with this and need you Honest opinions, just the truth.

A guy I had spoken to briefly previously that night came up behind me on the way home and pushed me to the ground. He made me perform oral sex on him and then he pushed me back down to do the same to me. I kicked him off and tried to get away but he caught me and pushed me down again. We struggled for a while, he tried to force his way into me but couldn't fully. Instead he used his fingers.

I didn't bite him or hurt him for a long time. I didn't scream out, was completely silent, just cried. I know I should have done more and think I could have prevented it if I had. I feel so, so stupid right now.

 

[Deleted member 30850]

What he did was wrong, sneaking up on you and assaulting you is HIS fault, not yours. I highly doubt if you had been able to scream no he would have stopped.

He had NO right to do what he did. Repeat: Not your fault!

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

And yes, this is assault.

Not your fault. Sexual assault is always perpetrated by someone who wants power, over someone who does not have any. Freezing doesn't make it your fault at all - your body was protecting you against further harm.

 

[Friday]

Yep. Rape. Sexual assault; oral & manual rape.

You're very lucky, in a sense... Men who cannot penetrate themselves often/usually switch to knives, and get off on killing their victims. Whatever you did instinctually kept you alive. Not lucky in being raped. Lucky in your instincts, keeping your wits about you, and strength of mind. Good on you.

 

[cherryblossom]

It was rape, and no, you are not to blame.

You are not stupid, far from it. You survived. And your ordeal was horrendous. I know it's no consolation, but things could have been worse if you'd fought back. You did what you had to do at the time to survive.

Welcome to the forum,

I know that it doesn't help - the fact that you have reason to be here. However, you can't change the past, but you can change your future. If you haven't already done it, find a trauma therapist to talk about this. If that's not an option, talk about it here. Also read about other peoples experiences.

Don't blame yourself - this is one of the biggest hurdles. It wasn't your fault.

Take care, regards,
CB

 

[Ronin]

Yep, it was rape, and nope, nothing stupid about you, @Alienna. You kept yourself alive. You escaped that situation. You found a need to heal. You asked a question about something so sensitive. All darned smart.

 

[Alienna]

Thank you all for making me feel slightly less bad about everything. :/
Sometimes it feels like this particular incident doesnt count. The responding police officers certainly didn't think so. I really feel like I have no right to these feelings, that it wasn't really, real rape.

I'm just so confused...

 

[SnowBirch22]

Here comes the super short version, can't deal with thinking about it for too long. Having real problems...

You were not to blame you hear? Crying is not a sign of consent. It is NOT your fault. It was rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're very brave to speak about this & please understand that this was not your fault in any way shape or form.

 

[Ronin]

The responding police officers certainly didn't think so.

There's uninformed & ignorant folk everywhere. Their opinion doesn't outline what things were for you, and frankly what some guys think about violence against you isn't relevant for your healing; their opinion doesn't matter, yours does.

 

[SnowBirch22]

Also, as a man, I have to tell you off the bat... Silence, crying, fighting, struggling, & unconsciesness is not consent. Freezing is also absolutely natural. It's a fear reaction & so many people react just like you did. There was nothing you could've done to stop it. This was not your fault. Blaming yourself, feeling guilty & questioning everything is also common as a reaction to assault or trauma. I hope you're okay. There's no "right way" to react to an assault or to deal with it afterwards. Everyone does it in their own way. Don't blame yourself & be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong.