Emdr Session Over Pets' Deaths And Rage.

[Marymickaela]

At the beginning of our therapy session yesterday we started talking about my cat's death, which led to the death of my other pets. I don't even remember what our Target was when we started doing the EMDR, but I know we had one.

I have terrible remorse/guilt over the way I treated my cat. I would go into rages over him getting on the kitchen counters, but being a cat, he could have cared less so the only person who got upset was me. I used to go into rages over him getting on the kitchen table and finally decided to let that go and it really lessened my anxiety. After my rages over the kitchen counters (I wasn't able to let that go) he'd come back 5 min. later wanting to give me love.

My very 1st pet was a collie who I'll talk about later.

My H's and my 1st pet (in my 20's) was a tiny Pomeranian (Panda) and I mistreated her terribly. Not at first, before we had kids. She was my baby before that and I showered her with love and affection. But after we had our 2nd child I had thyroid cancer. We built a house out in the country which was a very stressful experience. I was anxious all the time I think partly due to the dr. keeping my thyroid levels too high. I had two small children and she was a constant yipper. I would go into rages as it grated on my nerves. If the wind blew she'd bark and I'd scream. I remember how embarrassed I was when I took her to the vet once and he told me to call her so he could see her walk as she had arthritis. She was afraid of me and wouldn't come. When he called her, she went.

Then there was my guilt over the death of my beloved collie “King” when I was about 19. I'm sure he had some type of cancer as he had a huge open sore on his side. I found him dead on the lot next door on my way to catch the bus for work. I buried him that night all by myself sobbing the entire time. I was enraged that my dad let him suffer. I was young and didn't know better, but he was a nurse in the army and I grew up on a horse farm where he had to medically care for the horses. For him to not put “King” out of his misery in a humane manner was unforgiveable.

Somehow we got onto the subject of my dad's abuse which was pretty much all the time, but got much worse when he was fired from the farm when I was around 11. I said I was desperate for his approval and would have done anything to get it. However once, when I was about 19 he had been probably drinking and in a rage about something. He grabbed my face and squeezed tightly saying he was going to take a knife and disfigure my face so nobody would ever look at me again. Normally I could make myself disappear, become small, but he had ahold of my face so I couldn't get away. My heart was pounding in terror, but the survivor part of me squeezed his other hand tightly and whispered "daddy please". Somehow I got thru to him and he released me.

I had so much rage inside of me and I took it out on my poor little dog and the cat. I'm wracked with guilt. The cat, not so much as he was a cat and as I said, could have cared less how much I screamed at him. He did his own thing. However I can never forgive myself for Panda and I tell myself I deserve to be punished and that's why I'm sick all the time. I asked my T yesterday if I will ever be able to forgive myself? I don’t remember what she said.

We delved more into my dad's abuse and my abuse/guilt. By the end of our session I was sobbing and sobbing. When I finally opened my eyes tears came pouring down my face. We talked about so much I honestly can’t remember a lot of it. I could have kept talking, but our session ended. I couldn’t come home and rest as I had an phone call scheduled with my husband’s company to discuss new insurance plans as I’m going to be turning 65. Thank God my husband sat in on the call as I have little recall of what we talked about. When done I was totally wiped, exhausted, had what felt like a migraine and a terrible sore throat.

Last evening I forced myself to go for a walk with my H and he is concerned about how these EMDR sessions are affecting me and asked “are you sure you should be doing this?” I assured him it was the way for me to get better. That's what my psychiatrist says. Is it? For those of you who have been doing EMDR for some time how long does it take before it starts to get better? I feel I’m making progress in the sense that at first (in July) I couldn’t get in touch with any emotions and now they’re pouring out of me.

I also want to apologize for not being more supportive to others on the site. I feel like all I'm doing is taking and taking and not giving back. Am going to try and work on that.

Thanks for listening.

 

[The Albatross]

Harsh lesson to learn. That you are not/were not in a condition to have pets. Yeah you need to go through this. It is a precursor to how to deal with all relationships and I expect shit for saying this.

It is a hard but noble thing so shoulder personal responsibility. Most all people harbor guilt of some kind or another.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well, I am an animal advocate so it's always sad to hear of a pet being treated poorly. You have been wracked with guilt for what, 40 years? You were young and overwhelmed with small children and building a house. A yipping dog is annoying, I get that, my Annie is a small dog and her bark is shrill. You did not have a lifetime of rage and I'd say you've paid your debt to the Universe. With your fathers rage and abuse, it's not at all uncommon to develop those same patterns. You understand that. You were very young and your stress cup runnethover.

I can't advise you about EMDR. I plan to do it when I'm less dissociative. If you love yourself and not too triggered, it's supposed to be helpful. Part of being abused at a young age is a diminished scense of safety. Getting ready for EMDR is creating a safe place to go if you get triggered. Good luck.

 

[watundah]

I dont know about EMDR either but I was very cruel to a stray cat once when I was in elementary school and still carry huge guilt over that, too. It apalls me because I am a huge animal lover. Logical me tries to remind myself that I was very young, and in a lot of psychic pain but I still cannot forgive myself. So you are not alone in this.

 

[Marymickaela]

I decided I need to have nothing else planned for EMDR therapy days just to give myself time to recover.

I want to add that after the death of our Pomeranian I knew I could never get another pet. Probably 8 years past, my children got older and started pestering me to get a dog. After much soul searching I decided I needed a dog with a calm, laid back personality. We got a beautiful golden retriever puppy "Bear" (like my avatar). He never barked unless there was a reason. I went thru puppy training with him, put baby gates up to train him to stay off carpeted areas of my house (he still had plenty of room to roam).. He was amazing and wonderful and so well trained my next door neighbor called him "The God Dog". We had him for probably 10 years and he was very much loved and cared for. We inherited our cat from our daughter who left for college, otherwise I never would have had a cat. Our animal days are now over.

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Harsh lesson to learn. That you are not/were not in a condition to have pets. Yeah you need to go through this. It is a precursor to how to deal with all relationships and I expect shit for saying
It is a hard but noble thing so shoulder personal responsibility. Most all people harbor guilt of some kind or another.

Albatross, thank you for your feedback. I expected it. I've paid a high price for what I did. However until one has a pet how do they know how it will affect them? I had a beautiful collie growing up I never abused and like I said I treated Panda like my baby for years until we started having kids, my thyroid cancer, Type A personality, not being able to handle stress, etc. Not making excuses, just stating the facts. There's nothing you could say to me any worse then what I've said to myself. I've definitely paid a life long price which has affected my mental and physical health tremendously. I never harmed "Bear" and the cat could have cared less if I screamed at him like a maniac.

You say "most all people harbor guilt and shame of some kind or another", If you are, maybe you should seek help.

I am now choosing to try and get better. I've been in therapy for 12 years and just now trying EMDR. I can't change the past, but can try and become a better person, if not for me, then for the sake of my H, children, and grandchildren. I want to be a better role model. I'm tired of being sick all the time.
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However, my question on my original long-winded thread (sorry) was for those doing EMDR Therapy, how long before it starts to get better? Is every week going to be as draining as I delve deeper and deeper into trauma as that seems to be what's happening?