Trying To Let Go Of Shame Is Scary?

[Justmehere]

Really rough night. I am a jumbled up mess. I keep re-writing this and it keeps making less sense. I'm going to post it as is, if only a way to counter act the shame monster in my head that is saying: be silent!

For therapy, I am supposed to be working on, as homework, figuring out how I am safe from what can happen when authority figures stay silent to abuse or to me when I ask for what I need. It's a complicated thing... I'm also wrestling through grief, and I keep pushing away sadness and feeling angry instead. It is all pulling on the heart of childhood neglect. We talked about it yesterday, and last night, I got zero sleep.

I am trying to get through today, get tasks done, I made a stupid mistake. I transposed two numbers, key numbers, on a document. I caught my mistake and I corrected it, within 10 minutes, but I had to admit the mistake and chase it down and pull it off the website and then change the numbers to what they should be. (It was for a non-profit I'm interning with.)

My ears were bright red for an hour. I often make mistakes, and it's generally not a big deal, but this one stirred up much shame after a night of little sleep.

Tonight I am looking at my pile of tasks I need to complete and I'm shaking in anxiety. I'm struggling to not hyperventilate. My phone is ringing, but the mere thought of answering it and connecting to the safe-ish friend calling me is freaking me out.

I want to push everything away, shut the world out because all of it is freaking me out. I don't fully understand why. My ears are bright read again. I started to think of all the things thrown at me, all the negative words people have said about me to me. Abusers and others. I imagined them as all being true - they FEEL so true. I know, cognitively, that they are not all true, but I feel like such a fraud, and that maybe, just maybe they were right. They feel like they are the core of who I am and yet also this shell that surrounds me.

I felt my hands clench. It felt like the only way to interact with the world is to rail against it. I tried to open my hands, literally and figuratively. I tried to tell myself, no, no, no.... I have value, I have worth, they were wrong, and I'm a teary mess with bright red ears and face and staring at the list of tasks I need to do that will have to get done tomorrow.

I want to let go of this shame, let it pass, walk through the grief of all the undeserved self messages the world sent me, my abusers sent me, those who hurt me sent me.

Even trying to believe for a nanosecond that I'm not a worthless piece of crap is sending me into a panic right now. I'm not sure if I'm experiencing flooding or repeated partial flashbacks or what is going on with me.

I have used self shame to cope with the pain, to say, it's not trauma, it's not unfair, I DESERVE THIS... for so long.

How can I ever let go?

 

[DogwoodTree]

I struggle with this a lot. As in...it's not just the things I tell myself about how worthless I am, and how hard it is on people to be around me. But I actually am often difficult to be around in person because I don't think like other people and don't socialize well (or I have to fake it, which is exhausting).

A friend told me the other day, that I don't realize how precious I am. I rolled my eyes at him, because I truly don't believe that I'm all that valuable (except in the same generic way that human life, in general, is valuable...and even that, I'm not so sure about...I think my value has more to do with how valuable my kids are and how much they need a mother to be present in their lives).

So one thing I started thinking about today...what if, what if, I am precious? I don't believe it. I don't feel it. I don't live from that place. But...but what if? And then I started realizing...I'm always judging my value by how easy and enjoyable it is for other people to be with me, and by what I do for them, the role I play for them. It's that same codependency core belief, with the question I'm always asking when I'm around people: "What do you need from me? What do you want me to be? My existence only matters to the degree that I meet a need for you." Maybe...I wasn't created to make other people happy. Maybe...even though I don't believe it...but logically I can make space for it...maybe I was created simply because I matter.

Do you know how much that would change all of my relationships? Can you imagine what a different person I would be, if I believed that I matter, even when I'm not solving a problem for someone else? Even when I'm not enjoyable to be around? Even when I make a mistake? Even when I'm not good enough to do a particular task for someone? Even when...God, help me...even when I do something borderline selfish or mean or outright sinful?

My Ts have tried to create that kind of space for me. They've said, they don't need anything from me. And that always stings, because I feel like that means I have no value to them, and no opportunity to become valuable to them.

I can't quite wrap my mind around it yet. Today...I'm just making space for the possibility. I don't believe it yet, I don't know how to live from that space yet...but I can at least admit that it's possible.

 

[Hope4Now]

if only a way to counter act the shame monster in my head that is saying: be silent!

And

I have used self shame to cope with the pain, to say, it's not trauma, it's not unfair, I DESERVE THIS... for so long.
How can I ever let go?

Consider that the shame monster is trying to protect you from the very scary reality that you are worthy of love and kindness. To protect you from the pain that you deserved what you did not get. Because along with that comes the understanding that we were not in control of anything (scary) and we have a lot of unmet needs (devastatingly sad). So that poor old shame part is working so hard to keep you from feeling that fear and grief. Maybe if you can talk with it, it will give you some space. Show it who you are now. Certainly not someone who deserves any sort of abuse.

Peace to you this evening.

Maybe...I wasn't created to make other people happy.

Ah, yes. What a concept. I have a lot of parts that cannot take this in. I'm working on it too. Good luck.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

:hug::hug: @Justmehere :hug::hug::hug:

You articulate beautifully similar distress my T and I were tackling today. I'm out of words, but my heart is right with you:hug:
I hope you can finally :sleep:rest tonight! Please remember that you caught and corrected your mistake. The people there should be very proud of you:tup:
:hug::hug:

 

[Friday]

How can I ever let go?

Practice :) You're learning. That it feels this awful? And still moving forward? Doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It means you're learning how to walk through it to the other side.

 

[Suzetig]

@Justmehere, I hear you. You've articulated beautifully exactly how I feel when I'm triggered in a way that I've not managed to. In fact, I almost want to copy what you've said and hand it to my therapist saying "this is exactly what I'm talking about". It's so hard when triggered into that kind of shame and, for me, self hatred. I don't have the answer other than to push back against it, I remind myself of the people who don't see what I see, that I'm not transparent, I don't have a sign over my head telling people I'm a wicked, shameful person.

What I have been thinking recently is that I've just picked up where my parents left off in their cruelty and abuse of me. The words I say to myself are their words in response to me getting it wrong and I beat myself as mercilessly as they did. So, trying to be kinder to myself helps but sometimes I just need to ride it out. I hope you're doing better.

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks for the responses everyone, I will write back soon. Your responses have helped me a lot, even to re-read again tonight.

My mother triggered me massively yesterday by saying flat out, "I don't care if you die." I think we were arguing, and I don't know this topic even came up. I keep trying to remember and then... everything gets weird inside. I don't even remember the rest of the conversation, just that. It's really uncommon for this to happen for me.

And I don't think she would care if I died. Not really.

I also had an authority figure trigger the hell out of me. I reached out to my therapist - and it's the first time with this therapist in 5 months. She said she was glad I did. All I could do was type one sentence to her and she got right back to me. Then I was also to say more.

Tonight, it's all hitting me again. I feel exactly like I did when I was a kid. Exactly. I don't know yet how to comfort myself through it or handle it without feeling like I'm losing my mind.

I start thinking, I am worth protecting, I am. Something in me does almost believe that, and then I crack. The pain I feel is tremendous and feels like I could go crazy with it. Trying to be grounded. Trying to not run and not drown under these feelings. Ugh.

 

[Suzetig]

What did that little kid need at the time? Can you give yourself that? Maybe snuggling in a blanket, soothing music, some fresh air, comforting hot drink or food? I'm glad your therapist responded - it's so important to feel there's someone on your side at times like this. I hope you feel soothed and comforted soon.

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks @Suzetig - I think that's exactly what I need to do. Maybe I'm feeling all that pain I was so scared of. Or a little of it. I'm wrapped up in a big blanket. The softest. I have my dog here curled up next to me.

 

[selfcompassion]

Really rough night. I am a jumbled up mess. I keep re-writing this and it keeps making less sense. I'...

I think shame came out of the neglect and abuse suffered as a child. It is in part projected on us by our abusers to justify their abuse and neglect. They abuse or neglect us, then project their shame on to us, freeing them from owning their own behavior. This gets done over and over.. we get conditioned this way. It also gives us an illusion of control. If we are perfect, make no mistakes, nothing bad will happen, we are safe, and maybe they will even approve of or love us.
I am trying my hardest to get this projected shame out of my child parts. It is very hard to do. It does protect us from the grief and horrible awareness of how horrible we were treated. From a child's perspective the pain, fear, and grief were overwhelming, along with the total helplessness to change anything. It makes sense to blame ourselves in some twisted way, to give us the illusion that we can control things by our behaviors.
This effective cruel conditioning by the abuser gives them free reign. They get to abuse, neglect us, then project the blame on us. I am still battling this myself.