Scapegoating Or The Root Cause????

[Mammo]

I think it is scapegoating

1. You are taking responsibility for your condition and that is a big step.

1. I am trying to...I saw two therapists over the last 18 months...bit patchy at times either because I needed a break, or because I ran out of money. So I'm not purer than the driven snow...but I am trying.

   [*]Your mom is avoiding to take responsibility for herself (not taking her medications)

   Yeah...agree with this.

   [*]You are not responsible for her behavior and feelings.

   This is where things are confusing - because if it's her worry and concern about "me" that's making her this upset...then I sort of am to an extent...

   [*]If she is having a nervous breakdown then maybe she needs to go to a therapists or psychiatrists and take pills.

   I tried pointing that out to my brother but this was perceived as me "projecting"; and then followed up with "mum will never change...mum will never see a therapist...or take medication" (you know, because it's impossible for her to change, whereas I need to do exactly that???)

   [*]Besides scapegoating, there are "flying monkeys" (the siblings telling you that it is your fault)

   - I love the flying monkey analogy...brilliant...I don't doubt that they're coming from a place of good intentions...I don't see what they would "get out of" scapegoating me...other than maybe it's just more convenient to put it on me because they're really frightened by what they saw of my Mum...?

 

[Sighs]

Mmm-hmm. So... Let me make sure I have this straight...

Your mother's depression, suicidal ideation and breakdown have absolutely nothing to do with being in a long term physically and mentally abusive relationship with your father but are, in fact, solely due to her concern over your mental health which your siblings are demanding you fix instantly because if you do not your mother will die and it will all be your fault???

Sigh! And they wonder why you have some mental health challenges...

Family! Who'd have them!

 

[RavenGirl]

Look up toxic family, that's what it sounds like to me. I believe they are making you the scapegoat, playing on your emotions. They seem to know how to push your buttons. Just my opinion. It's not your fault your mom made the choices she made, it's hers and hers alone. It's not your job to fix them or her. They are playing the blame game and it sounds like "tag, you're it!" Sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to. They just remind me a lot of my family; and yes mine TRIED to do the same to me.

 

[Mammo]

Mmm-hmm. So... Let me make sure I have this straight...

Your mother's depression, suicidal ideation and...

Yep...that's basically it....?!

 

[Sighs]

Ok. Your family are wrong. You are - if anything - a very small stressor in the context of your mother's issues. Even if you had a magic wand and were able to "fix" yourself 99.999% of your mother's problems would still be there.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Your mother's depression, suicidal ideation and breakdown have absolutely nothing to do with being in a long term physically and mentally abusive relationship with your father but are, in fact, solely due to her concern over your mental health which your siblings are demanding you fix instantly because if you do not your mother will die and it will all be your fault???

This pretty much sums up my opinion on it, too.

You're an adult...you live in a different country...your mother is an adult and has other family around her...there is absolutely no way you are responsible for her well-being. At all.

Other families love each other and care about each other's well-being without crashing into a suicidal tantrum over another family member's struggles. If you were the reason for her pain, and her motivation was love, she would want to do what she could to support you as an independent adult who can care for yourself. That means calling you if that helps you, encouraging you, and being a listening ear if you need it. It does not mean blackmailing you to get better now or else.

If your whole family is trying to side with her on this and hold you "responsible" for her well-being, they're just as sick and dysfunctional. This is not a healthy influence on you. They are not contributing to your recovery.

Cutting them off completely might not be the best option for reasons you've stated as well as others (including your own well-being). But you do not have to take whatever they throw at you. There's a ton of gray space here. For example, you can decide that a 30-min phone call is all you can handle emotionally without being unduly upset by all of this. So when one of them calls, say you've got 30 min until you have something you have to do (like...find some peace for yourself...put it on your calendar if it helps you justify it to yourself)...and then you have to go. At the end of 30 min of their saying whatever junk they want to say, you tell them you have to go now or you'll be late for your appointment. Then tell them you love them and hang up. And go take a long, hot bubble bath or something.

 

[shimmerz]

Your mother's depression, suicidal ideation and breakdown have absolutely nothing to do with being in a long term physically and mentally abusive relationship with your father

I feel like with most of these types of families that there is a white elephant in the living room. This ^^^ would be the elephant. And everyone is attempting to cover it up with YOU. If only YOU would be there (because she most likely knows this isn't going to happen), the white elephant would disappear! Completely warped thinking. She knows the elephant is going nowhere and needs a reason for her behaviour because she is not dealing.

You are probably her best excuse for not having to deal.

 

[Sighs]

I really identify with you @Mammo as my father was a violent alcoholic yet I am the black sheep of the family and have been told to my face that I am the sole cause of all the family dysfunction. Hah! And they wonder why I choose to live 1300km away from them!

 

[shimmerz]

Just wondering if this site might be a help to you @Mammo. It sure brought back a ton of memories for me.....

Maybe it will help you answer your own question about whether you are being scapegoated or not.

Link Removed

 

[Mammo]

she would want to do what she could to support you as an independent adult who can care for yourself. That means calling you if that helps you, encouraging you, and being a listening ear if you need it.

Hi - I agree, but I think she knows that I don't want/like to talk about it. This is for a number of reasons:
1. What, am i supposed to say "well the T says the reason I'm so f*cked up is because you abused us as children"? Can't say that...don't want to upset her or start WW3.
2. When I actually was a child, I was told to ignore it...hide it and shut up. So on some level, part of me thinks its a bit rich of her to want to be all "touchy feely" about it now...I know thats not nice...
3. When I am like that, I "retreat" on my own and isolate from *everyone* - including friends.

I think she knows this, probably has wanted to call/talk, but felt that she couldn't.

Re: cutting off. I cut-off my Dad a few months ago, saying I wanted to be left alone for a bit because I'm not comfortable pretending I'm ok with him hitting my mother...this behaviour he described as "cathartic" (not kidding!). I said it wasn't. So this even led to me speaking to him for the first time in months. His feedback on my cut-off email was that it was the most upsetting email he had ever received and that it felt like I kicked him in the teeth.
- Interesting, not one mention of "I'm sorry" or "I know it's wrong to hit your mother"...instead he sounded like he wanted me to feel sorry for him....the whole thing is so surreal...

Thank you for your practical advice though - it's much appreciated.

 

[StarChild]

Dear @Mammo, I'd like to ask you one, two questions, before I try to offer what came to my mind. Here goes;

T described as emotional and physical child abuse. She said we should have been taken into care on a temporary basis until my Father learned to control his temper

You wrote "we". May I ask who you mean with that? Was your brother meant too? Did your father also hit your brother? And: Does your mother (and your brother) fear your father in secret?

I would very appreciate it, if you could answer this questions. And, since English isn't my mother tongue, I'll need some time to write you my full reply, based on your answers. Sending a comforting hug your way, and be assured, you get scapegoated. There's no truth in what they tell you! Looking forward to your answers. Hold your head up high, gal, okay? :tup:

 

[Mammo]

I really identify with you @Mammo as my father was a violent alcoholic yet I am the bla...

I can top that distance...I'm on the other side of the planet...ha!

I know this may sound odd...but I don't want to believe that they're scapegoating me...I genuinely do love my family, especially close to my siblings...it's just really hard not to think you're going insane when there's multiple intelligent, well-educated people who do care about you, telling you that you're the problem...