Scapegoating Or The Root Cause????

[Mammo]

er... that should be "your English" as in the possessive pronoun not "you're" which is a contraction of "...

Precisely!!!! lmao.

 

[Mammo]

Sorry, I didn't mean that as a 'you did the wrong thing'. Scapegoats become scapegoats, generally beca...

Hi Shimmerz - no worries, I hadn't taken it that way...

Yes - I am strongly someone who "calls things out" if they seem wrong. I do this regularly across environments...maybe part of that stems from having never really feeling "allowed" to do that when I was seeing things that seemed 'wrong' when I was growing up.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes - I am strongly someone who "calls things out" if they seem wrong.

Yes, I get that. I call things out too. Something that has caused tons of chaos in my life. I get that now. I have chosen your strategy though and decided to live a very very long way away from them. Better that way. What I don't see or hear, I don't have to do anything about. Now I am attempting to live life and be happy. I wish you (and me) luck in keeping out of the line of fire. This shit is going to happen whether we are present or not I am afraid.

Best of luck @Mammo.

 

[Mammo]

Wanted to reply to your 3 here:
"Hi - I agree, but I think she knows that I don't want/like to talk ab...

Hi - thank you for your post, especially sharing some examples from your own experience. I really appreciate it...

"IT" I think terrified an entire generation...that film is brutal...especially for young children...clowns...dude...
The "non-response" back is very familiar.
I take your point that at some stage I'm probably going to have to have that conversation with my Mum - I doubt it will ever lead to anything constructive with my Dad though. Definitely not now...but there are open questions that should probably be asked at some stage, like:
1. Where the hell were you when Dad was going on a rampage from bedroom to bedroom literally trying to find excuses to scream at and hit your children?! The irony is that she regularly makes comments like, "I'd never let anyone hurt *my* babies"...uh, apart from their father...
2. What the hell were you thinking when you told me at 15, after my first suicide attempt "don't tell them what happens at home. Don't tell them about you cutting yourself. Because all these psychologists want to do is blow it out of proportion to ruin your father's career...and then you and your brother and sister will all be put into care...is that what you want?"

Yeah...so that conversation will happen eventually...but not now. I don't want to make her upset, especially not over things that happened 15/20 years ago...

 

[Sighs]

I can understand the desire to call this stuff out and confront it but in my experience its pointless. What answer could your mother possibly give that would satisfy you? What could your father do now to "make it up to you"?

 

[Mammo]

...this is called gaslighting. They have to make you look crazy so they can believe their craziness....

Uh, as frightening as that sounds...you may possibly be onto something...

My T disagreed with them...but it's hard for me to pick him over my own family...plus more complicated because he may just be telling me this to make me feel better...(no issues with authority or trust there...!)

 

[StarChild]

Dear @Mammo, thank you that you answered my questions. Unfortunately it's almost 6 a.m. where I live, and I've become so tired, that my brain cells started to put on their pajamas, quit their shifts and lye around in snoring heaps.

Oh.....and thanks a loooot for your compliment. "Ya got me blushed like a light bulb on a disco festival".... :bag::shy:

 

[Ronin]

it's hard for me to pick him over my own family

You're not having that argument, necessarily: you're picking who's outright lying to you ('the family') vs. who may be telling the truth, or, if both aren't true? Who helps you vs. who doesn't. In which the therapist still wins, regardless of how truthful you find the statements.

He may just be telling me this to make me feel better...

If he is? Take that. Feeling better is a good thing. A thing you deserve. If he's not a toxic person, it doesn't matter all that much what his motivation is, what matters is comfort you take from it, and that you have some more messages closer to reality, unlike all that abusive nonsense.

Edited to add: 'picking people over one's own' conflict: Some times, being 'a traitor' is a darned good thing preserving own, & others', humanity.

 

[Mammo]

Dear @Mammo, thank you that you answered my questions. Unfortunately it's almost 6...

Go to sleep!!!!!

 

[Mammo]

You're not having that argument, necessarily: you're picking who's outright lying to you ('the family') vs...

Thanks Cashew. Good points...I especially like the "edited" part at the bottom. Thank you.

 

[Renestel]

I can understand the desire to call this stuff out and confront it but in my experience its pointless. Wh...

So I know for some, it seems like a waste, and what I was trying to relay to mammo is that if you are trying to "change" your parent with the confrontation, yeah it is. But there is so much to not being the victim anymore. Sometimes the biggest thing you can do is speak your mind and defend yourself now because you couldn't do it back then. It's hard to describe. It's like exercising a ghost that been in your body for years.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Uh, as frightening as that sounds...you may possibly be onto something...

It's a well-known term used in describing a well-defined relationship dynamic in codependent families.

Gaslighting:
Link Removed
http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.html

Codependency:
http://www.whatiscodependency.com/symptoms-of-codependency/