As I Fall Asleep

[shimmerz]

I kicked my night terrors just over a year ago. Finally. No more waking up 15 times a night. Something new is happening though and I can't put my finger on it. I don't have words and am wondering if anyone else suffers from this. Of course, that would mean that I would have to describe it .... which I don't know if I can do.

As I start to fall asleep I have this feeling..... and it is terrifying. It isn't like I am going to die. It is more like I am losing my mind..... and I don't even know how to describe how THAT feels. Maybe, like I am completely out of control (although my body is not out of control). And it feels like I have visited hell and the worst kind of evil. But there are no pictures to substantiate it, no words that have been said, it isn't a dream.

If it had pictures and words associated with it I may be able to work with it better, but this is just so intangible but so frightening....

Maybe something nobody can relate to but I thought I would try. Thank you.

 

[Kayle]

Like a sleep paralysis? Sheer panic until you give in to sleep? This happens to me if I've taken Xanax around dinner time and it's wearing off. It's terrifying.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I used to have this all the time, right as I'm falling asleep and then would jerk awake and start all over again. I take meds for sleep and don't climb into bed until I know I will be out when my head hits the pillow. I'm sorry you are going through this, I know it's terrifying, but know you are not alone.

(((hugs)))

 

[scout86]

Now you have me wondering if "feeling like I'm losing my mind" would feel significantly different than the way I usually feel and, if it would, how? LOL

That "falling asleep" period seems to be a weird time. Maybe this is related to the feeling that you're falling, which makes you jerk awake too? (Please tell me I'm not the only person that has that happen! I don't think it's really that unusual.) I'm not sure what causes that "falling" sensation. I know it can be intense and seem very real. It must have something to do with the transition to "sleep". What ever "sleep" is, because, when you think about it, IT is kind of weird too. So, maybe it's nothing more than some weird glitch in the wiring?

So, maybe if you ignore it it will go way? (I know. That's my answer to most things. :))

 

[shimmerz]

I know. That's my answer to most things.

lol. Love you Scout! That is too funny!

Nope, it isn't sleep paralysis. I used to get that but that is done too. That went with the terrors. This is more like I am being transported to hell. And I can get up after it and then I start pacing and feeling like I can't shake it (until I take an Ativan). It feels like I have to run from it (although surprisingly I don't). My normal MO used to be going catatonic (so curling up and keeling somewhere) or running outside and dropping somewhere. I am grateful I don't do that anymore. It feels like this may be what lies underneath those body actions.... but I didn't feel why I would run and drop.

It honestly feels like I am losing my sanity altogether, but I can't tell you WHY I feel like that. Couldn't articulate it in words....

The meds do help but I am curious as to why this is happening as it is one of the most disturbing feelings I have had through this PTSD time (and that says a lot!)

 

[scout86]

That DOES sound horrible!

I don't think what I experience is sleep paralysis. I can (and do) move. It feels like I've fallen, backwards, off a cliff. Or like losing your balance, as you first notice it, right before you actually fall? I ALWAYS jump when this happens and, literally, jump up in bed. Once or twice that I remember I've actually jumped out of bed, trying to "catch my balance". Your deal sounds like a more....."symbolic" kind of experience?

 

[shimmerz]

"symbolic" kind of experience?

Yes, that is kind of the way it feels. I wonder if it is a 'part' of me that is trying to tell me something (in symbolic 'part' language). And I worry that I will go out and out snaky before I figure it out.

 

[Panda Bear]

I think I understand what you're getting at....

I have what feels like a tornado type nightmare, but it's not really a nightmare...? It's a whirling feeling, I jerk awake, it's like lights(siren like) and fast moving and very out of control feeling. I do feel like I'm going crazy, as I can't see anything distinctive, no vices etc. Lots of panic, not sure if this helps as I've had bitch of at time explaining what happens.
,

 

[shimmerz]

Maybe it is just sudden and extreme panic. I hadn't thought of that.

Lots of panic, not sure if this helps as I've had bitch of at time explaining what happens.

I can't see anything distinctive either. Like there is no 'before' or 'preamble' It just overtakes me. Completely.

 

[Hope4Now]

Now you have me wondering if "feeling like I'm losing my mind" would feel significantly different than the way I usually feel and, if it would, how? LOL

You always crack me up. For me the "losing my mind" feeling is a continuum... I always feel like that. It's just that sometimes I feel like I'm losing it more dramatically. LOL.

This is more like I am being transported to hell.

Question: when you say this, are you talking about the FEAR that the place to which you are being transported will be hell, or are you picking up on actual snippets of hellish emotion? I don't quite know if that makes sense. I'll post separately about my experiences with this stuff and you can see if any of that resonates.

 

[renee5g]

I'm jealous. Lol How did you get rid of the night terrors?

 

[Hope4Now]

I get this weird thing that happens to me that sounds vaguely similar. I don't get it when I am falling asleep at night, because usually the only way I can fall asleep is to dissociate into some sort of fantasy world. I do get it, however, when I am on the massage table and when I am meditating and I have gotten to a more relaxed place for me where I am sort of in my body and it is okay. It also happens to me when I have a fever and I feel myself going in and out of sleep.

It used to terrify me. I felt like I was losing my mind...or, more precisely, losing myself into some unknown...like my body was melting (in a good way, not a gross way, even though it was terrifying anyway), and my mind was all coming loose and spreading out. It felt like I was falling, but not falling as a solid person. More like dissolving into little pieces that no longer had control or intention and were sort of buffeted about by some unseen force, but always moving down. So a little like falling.

With all the work I've been doing over the past few years, I recognize this feeling now. It is/was terrifying because it tapped into my fear of having no control over myself. It happens when I am able to relax. Which is pretty rare. When it used to happen, I would jolt up or somehow get a grip and back into control. Now, I know that I will not lose my mind (any more than I have already lost it that is). And I know I will not dissolve physically. So I just sort of "go with it." And now it is pretty cool. It feels like being on a roller coaster.

When I can relax into it and maintain a sense of safety, I usually get amazing insights into my "parts." And am now just beginning to be able to feel some emotions in really core ways (not the sort of peripheral ways I usually do...emotions are pretty scary for me).

I'm pretty sure that physically, the sensation has to do with the flow of cranial sacral fluid. Because the sensation almost always happens to me when I am having cranial sacral therapy.