As I Fall Asleep

[anonymous]

As I start to fall asleep I have this feeling..... and it is terrifying. It isn't like I am going to die. It is more like I am losing my mind..... and I don't even know how to describe how THAT feels.

Maybe it is just sudden and extreme panic.

Not sure if this is the same as you are describing, and I'm going to have difficulty describing it myself too, but as I'm going off to sleep, in that place between awake and asleep where you don't really have control any more, I often get overwhelmed by a sudden hit of reality and panic, like my head suddenly shows me how f*cked it really is. Kind of like getting slapped in the face with it. Telling me (without words or pictures) that everything else is just a sham, you're kidding, this is what you truly are.

 

[Panda Bear]

It could be panic, but it's different than a typical panic attack that I get...but it seems you're not alone in his random issue.

I've tried so hard to explain to T and he is stumped as well and for a bit attempted to reason that it was more nightmare. When it wasn't like the other ones I have.

Do you find that it's almost light out when you close your eyes? My eyes may be shut, but it's like someone is shimming a flashlight in my eyes. No matter what I try, it's just so bright and the darkness doesn't come.

 

[shimmerz]

like my head suddenly shows me how f*cked it really is.

Yes! This ^^^^! It is like everything else that keeps me occupied goes away and I recognized how incredibly small I am. Not small in a little girl kind of way, but small in an alone kind of way.... with some sort of evil lurking that I have no chance of getting away from. This is helping, thank you.

It does happen between asleep and awake, for sure. Never when I am awake. Rarely when I have been deeply asleep.

attempted to reason that it was more nightmare.

Yes, I understand this but couldn't articulate why I know there is a difference. It is definitely NOT a nightmare. But what is it?

Do you find that it's almost light out when you close your eyes?

I don't get this. To me it is more like the deepest darkness that I have ever experienced (although I don't see the black --- I feel it). I can't get my bearings -- not meaning of where I am --- but instead, of who I am.

 

[shimmerz]

losing myself into some unknown.

Sorry, missed this one Hope. I feel like it isn't an unknown, but instead a 'known' that I cannot safely be in. And for some reason I have complete awareness that this is NOT a safe place for my head to be - because I am walking the thin line between sanity and complete and total insanity. But I can't say why I know this....

I haven't had cranial work done - but I can understand that that would put me in the same type of 'in between' state that this normally occurs in for me.

 

[Ronin]

I wonder if it is a 'part' of me that is trying to tell me something (in symbolic 'part' language)

Since you've arrived to this conclusion it can be something symbolic, what about wondering about the message first and leaving the messenger out of it a while? I mean, first digging what is it that's being relayed, secondly wondering what side of you came up with it and for what reasons, once you know what on earth's up?

Edited to add: If something makes me feel like losing my mind, I go the route of 'Is it necessary for my survival? Is it involving others? Is it present danger?' on alerts.

If nay to these, I just disregard. If it's making me feel as losing my mind for no good reason, it's best left without attention, just a random thing my head came up with. Not every message is worthy attention. Just because it feels important doesn't make it be.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@shimmerz

This is how it was once explained to me, mind you, I am not a rocket scientist and may mess it up but here goes...
At points along integration of the compartmentalized trauma, bits of the info stuffed in sensory memory may be released as we drop into sleep. So when I jolted straight up, right before I went to the last level of sleep with an adrenaline rush, fear and fragmented recall of the trigger...that was why for me. I was processing something into integration and it was from the past, flash backy and I have to center in the now or present safety.

I still have them occasionally, as I share among the members or live lol. Some random connect wiggles an part of a memory loose out of the disassociation- locked up- tight box and bam... restless night(s). Now the trick for me is to slow my building of my fear rising ontop my newest alert of the fear driven reflex or find comfort in the fact I have cycled through 'these' before.

Inotherwords Fear doesnot have to equal more fear.

Sometimes as you know...I have to ride it out but eventually being sleep deprived...I will pass out in exhaustion if nothing else. ((((hugs)))) Sanity is over-rated Shim.... don't worry whatever we do have...it seems to still work for us. Xx00

 

[Changing4Best]

Before my last medicine readjustment, I had a time when I screamed and screamed while laying in my bed. I did this for maybe 20 minutes twice in one week, if I recall.I felt crazy, I felt out of sorts mentally and I had no way to define it either, so I screamed and screamed. That was all I could do to escape from it, but that did not work either! I told my psychiatrist about it and he changed my meds, if I recall. I also had an in patient stay in the H around that time too. Like maybe a few months before that. I'm not sure. Does any of that ring a bell for you, @shimmerz ?

 

[Hope4Now]

Not small in a little girl kind of way, but small in an alone kind of way.... with some sort of evil lurking that I have no chance of getting away from.

and

At points along integration of the compartmentalized trauma, bits of the info stuffed in sensory memory may be released as we drop into sleep.

I think this is the issue. At least for me. (@Recovery4Me, you always articulate things so well). I've managed to move beyond the fear in direct proportion to learning to trust the idea that my emotions and memories are not going to destroy me. That the potential for complete insanity is yet another block to healing that is being thrown up by one of my many protector parts who tend toward wildly overactive disasterizing because they don't quite get that THEN is not NOW. I've also learned to take this stuff in "small bites" which is, in psych terms, called "titrating." If it gets too intense, I can back away by distracting, or getting up, or talking, or moving parts of my body, or all sorts of other things.

Partly, I've learned this through my cranial-sacral therapist. Certain holds she does bring on this state. The other day, it was really intense. I wasn't too scared--more like observing, "this is cool." But she said she felt we ought to back off a little. She shifted the hold a little, and the falling/roller-coastery feeling abated some (not so fast or so intense), and it was better--much to my surprise. Suddenly, I was able to stay more grounded into the safe spot I had located inside my body (my toes). And what came up was manageable.

So my unsolicited advice would be this: before you start to drop off to sleep, locate one place in your body that feels "good," or at least feels there and okay. Tune into it. Could be your eyebrow, or earlobe, or pinky, or big toe, or left thigh. Whatever. Then, when the feeling starts, ground to that part. Instead of leaping up in panic, just talk to yourself and tell yourself you are safe in your bed. Feel the body part that feels okay. Breathe and notice your breath. And then just notice the feelings, whatever they are. They are occurring in you, but are from the past not the present. You no longer need to run to be safe.

 

[shimmerz]

I am not a rocket scientist

I disagree, but if you insist....

fear and fragmented recall of the trigger.

So then, fragmented recall can be the feeling? Because there is no actual 'recall' as there would be with a terror or panic attack or one of my catatonic states. These tended to bring fragments of pictures, thoughts, somatic responses. This is not that. A serious question here.
I like how you incorporate the word integration in here. That is the name of the game right? :cool: Oh how I love my friend, Recovery. Next life I want to be as kind and wise as you!

Some random connect wiggles an part of a memory loose out of the disassociation- locked up- tight box and bam

Yes, it feels like this. Because it is familiar to me. It seems to be from a place that I know.

I felt out of sorts mentally and I had no way to define it either,

Yes, this sounds right, but without the screaming. The nature of my trauma does not allow for screaming. No changes in meds though and this has been going on intermittently (although more frequent now) for about 6 months.

So my unsolicited advice would be this: before you start to drop off to sleep, locate one place in your body that feels "good," or at least feels there and okay. Tune into it.

Well, in fact, it would have been solicited (which is why I posted) ;-) I personally really like this idea. Sort of like the safe place that helped me with my terrors, except a part of my body. I like the idea of my eyebrows. I have always had a special attachment to those. :unsure: Thanks Hope, I will try that.

If it's making me feel as losing my mind for no good reason, it's best left without attention,

Thing is, I can't seem to do this with this one. With other things I can, but this seriously takes me over. Any ideas as to how to execute this?

 

[Recovery4Me]

I like how you incorporate the word integration in here.

Remember the older dubbed movies, where the voice or soundtrack did not sync with the actors or actresses lips? I bet you recognized it before everyone else...lol. Out of sync is uncomfortable to view for some. Or how about the odd shaped jigsaw puzzle piece that all of sudden, we see the spot where it fits and then get a glimpse of the bigger picture? That feeling where something isn't right and now it is beginning to gel, sync or come together cohesively.

Healing trauma for me has been like that...if I am jolted from going deeper in the REM Sleep, something is trying to surface. Those feelings of in and out of dream states (as I fight to wake up or know where the real wake up place is) contains odd sound bites, or sensations, or colors, vibrations, which tend to offer future clues at a later time after the sleep cycling levels out. Once I can name it, I can claim it...then work on healing what 'it' is. Holistic unification of body, mind and spirit out of the bowels of terror.

@Hope4Now (((hugs))) My safe place is my palms.

 

[Fadeaway]

Before I became as heavily dependent of sleep pills like I am now, I used to get something similar. It seemed like all the denials, all the attempts to distract my brain, and all the things I had forgotten about come crashing down hard on me. It was like I was asleep and sort of dreaming but lucid and thinking at the same time.

 

[Ronin]

Any ideas as to how to execute this?

So so far we know it's a sense of existential anxiety, it's overtaking all other processes when it jumps in, it's related to phobia of losing sanity, it's pre-verbal and nags / can't be moved out, and doesn't seem to be chemically induced (no medication changes)?

Does it appear in any specific states, as in would altering bedtime routines help any?

Can it be dragged out & expressed using some non-verbal means? (Thinking artsy stuff here, but kicking crap or equal 'move ooout' movement also came to mind, assuming you're able to move, which I'm not certain)

Is it a phobia you'll lose 'just' sanity? (Was thinking if it isn't linked more to not being able to take care of your needs, instead, and 'sanity' meaning 'ability to take care of own physical needs').