There Is An Alternative But I'm Not Seeing It

[Sandstone]

I'm in the state now where i can't understand why it was a problem. It seems so trivial - a few hours spent with a family member. I really can't imagine what I was making a fuss about.

This is pretty standard for me. I can never believe anything can possibly be a problem, until it is. My life long approach has been to go head on into the tough stuff, and It always used to work. Just being scared doesn't seem like a reason to avoid anything.

And I'm aware that i exploit this forum for support and then go way till the next crisis

 

[digger]

And I'm aware that i exploit this forum for support and then go way till the next crisis

I don't see it as exploitation. I do wonder how well that approach is working for you though and whether trying to use the support here in other ways might help head off some of those crises or make them slightly easier to deal with. Please don't feel pressured by that though. Just a suggestion.

 

[Sandstone]

What other ways?

I read, and regard that as a form of exposure therapy as I'm almost always physically disturbed afterwards. I rarely respond, because I don't know the answers, and am aware of the risk of saying the wrong thing.

 

[The Albatross]

It was just a suggestion. Denying yourself peer support when you're dealing with a stressor, well it's totally up to you. You did get a lot of responses and people here were concerned for you. Personally I was hoping it was going better than you anticipated.

 

[Sandstone]

That sounds like criticism, but i'm not sure exactly what you think I've done wrong. Would you like to expand a bit?

I went away because I didn't want to make a fuss, didn't want to make undue demands from people who shouldn't have to be bothered with my petty troubles. I was flapping over something that people do all the time, and it was over.
In fact, my plan fell apart anyway. I took 2 pills before I saw the therapist, then another four at the bus stop, but the driver was clearly in a hurry and didn't let any of the three people waiting on. I phoned my husband from a phone box, but he had left to meet the bus, so i left a message asking him to come and pick me up. He didn't go back home till two more buses had come and gone, so I didn't get home till 8.30pm, by which time the pills had kicked in, so I went straight to bed. In the morning I got up at 6am and waited in the car till my husband was ready for work, then spent the day in the library.

As soon as I got back home that night I could see how stupid I had been , specially since my husband had given him our good duvet, and I now need to find a way to face using it.

 

[scout86]

didn't want to make undue demands from people who shouldn't have to be bothered with my petty troubles.

There are other ways of looking at that. The one that springs to mind is that there are people here who genuinely LIKE you, are interested in you, don't think your troubles are "petty", want to see you succeed and have the good life you deserve to have.... And were either worrying or wondering how things went.

Glad to hear you survived, even if it wasn't in a way you see as a success!

The only thing that is going to stop this is if I go along with what they want.

There are other choices there too. That might be the choice you're most familiar with. Certainly it's the one your family would prefer. Well, I'm guessing, there, I guess, but from the sound of it, you family is not the type where individual members are valued AS individuals and encouraged to be their most authentic selves. They think you exist for them and their benefit. Am I right? At a very basic level, you can chose to play by those rules, or "not".

I think you're probably right when you believe your biological family won't change. They have a form of dysfunction going that works well for them. Why WOULD they want to change? But, that doesn't mean it's fair, or reasonable, or something you are obligated to participate in.

That sounds like criticism, but i'm not sure exactly what you think I've done wrong.

My T tells me that he think my "job" in my family of origin was to "be wrong". Now, my T says, fairly often, the he "wishes I could learn not to let myself be distracted, worrying about being 'wrong' or 'what I'm SUPPOSED to do'." I can see that I do that. I'm starting to notice that there's a lot of fear that gets stirred up, thinking I'm "wrong". And, fear of doing something wrong in some kind of a social interaction is only the tip of the ice berg when it comes to what the real problem is. The real problem, I think, is that somewhere inside I'm convinced that I, as a living being, am actually, somehow "wrong" on a much deeper level and that that can never be fixed. Just because I think that, doesn't mean it's true. The "rational part of my brain that we'd all like to think is usually running the show" doesn't really believe it's possible for someone to BE "wrong" in that sense. It's just stuff I picked up when I was a kid. I'm not a kid anymore. I have WAY more choices and options. So do you. Really!

 

[The Albatross]

A suggestion is all that was intended, Stenni it is NOT criticism and is not to be read that way, who am I to criticize you? Nobody.

 

[Sandstone]

there are people here who genuinely LIKE you

??? How odd. I'm not here enough for anyone to form an opinion about me.

omewhere inside I'm convinced that I, as a living being, am actually, somehow "wrong" on a much deeper level and that that can never be fixed

Yes, I have a constant refrain running through my head that I shouldn't be allowed to exist. T frets because she thinks my attitude to myself is violent, but it feels normal to me.

 

[Sandstone]

Denying yourself peer support when you're dealing with a stressor, well it's totally up to you.

I suppose it feels as though asking will lead to trouble. So a comment like that signals that trouble en route - it's up to you, but you are clearly wrong, have no right to an opinion and will be held to account for it for years to come. Maybe not your intention, but it's what I hear.

 

[scout86]

I'm not here enough for anyone to form an opinion about me.

It's not quantity, it's quality that counts! :)

it's up to you, but you are clearly wrong, have no right to an opinion and will be held to account for it for years to come.

That's part of that script in your head too, isn't it? I tend to do the same thing. And it can be pretty hard to tell the difference between inaccurate, out dated beliefs and a very accurate version of "reality".

 

[Sandstone]

I suppose part of the problem is that they aren't wholly outdated - the need to protect myself from my family is still current. And how do I tell which version others are running on? Some people are OK, some aren't

 

[scout86]

Some people are OK, some aren't

That's it exactly. It's a matter of figuring out the difference.

Your family, the ones you're still needing to protect yourself from, are highly probable to be VERY different from "most people". The thing is, YOU are NOT "wrong". You're just not. You have as much right to your thoughts and feelings and opinions as anyone. They have the same value as anyone one else's thoughts, feelings, and opinions. (It just dawned on me that I seem to be telling you that you're wrong about feeling like you're wrong. Can we not go down that road? Because I'm not sure what I'd do about it!)

In general, the people who refuse to respect you and honor your thoughts and feelings are the people to be careful of. People can respect you, even if they disagree with you. That's what @The Albatross was doing. It's what I'm doing too. Actually, I'm trying to show you a different way to look at this BECAUSE I value you.

I didn't want to make a fuss, didn't want to make undue demands from people who shouldn't have to be bothered with my petty troubles.

So, this is a pretty safe place. If something is bothering you, if you want different perspectives, anything like that, "here" is a good place to come. Like you did. If any one person is having a bad time, can't participate, they won't. They don't HAVE to. There are LOTS of other people here who can and will pick up the slack. No pressure. On anyone. Because pretty much everyone gets how bad that "pressure" can be. And, sooner or later, something will come up where you WILL feel like participating from the other side of the discussion, and you will have something valuable to offer because you're perspective is uniquely, specially "you". Or not! There's nothing saying you EVER have to participate either. I just suspect, at some point, you might and I think you will have good things to add to discussions.