I Feel I Deserve To Die

[blackemerald1]

Just stop! Can you not see past these acts which you have called Evil, monstrous, bad, etc, etc, You are like a black hole, you know the ones that suck everything into themselves..
But every good thing said or commented on, has a BUT behind it! You are letting the negative win the race. Put a few BUTS behind the negative crap that from all I have read appears to be foundless.
Like you say you love husband & kids, well evil monsters don't feel that, do they? So you were promiscuous & rebellious as a teenager. Hormones honey, being wild, promiscuous & rebellious is not evil or monstrous. Maybe it came about because of other things, but you can't remember them!
So what if the whole pub knew you were a bit of a goer, as they say. Probably half the girls or more where doing the same thing. But you are GROWN UP now, you don't hit the pubs & do that anymore. You are married, settled down, not running around raging carnage on the locals at the pubs.... another generation are all doing that now lol.
Yes I think your upbringing has been a bit off, talk to the psych about that. You are bombarding yourself with stuff a hell of a lot of stuff, that you did no harm, you are belting yourself up & you are doing no harm (except to yourself) Despite all your disclosures to everyone, authorities etc., husband, friends etc. Nobody has taken action against you for what you cannot forgive yourself for what you perceive as Evil, monsterous & etc. Because it wasn't.
I hope this psych can find a way into this black hole you are spiralling down into. Spend some time with hubby & your beautiful kids, focus on their beautiful qualities, you don't harm them do you? If you are a monster, don't you think they would be loving little kids & hubby would have packed them up, got court orders to stop you being near them etc???
See if you can bring fwd this psych appointment, go on their cancellation list so if somebody rings to cancel their appointment, you can jump into their vacancy. Tell the Admin at the psych rooms, you need to get in. Or, go to your GP. Do something really nice as a family. Put positive action right in the face of all these negative feelings.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Just stop! Can you not see past these acts which you have called

No I can't, I woke this morning with a pain in my heart and my stomach. I've just spent the last hour googling female sex offenders and trying to figure out what prison sentence I would get. I'm sorry but if I could simply stop and forget I would but I can't. The more I read the more I frighten myself and the more I am convinced that I am one of those women they write about.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

No I can't, I woke this morning with a pain in my heart and my stomach. I've just spent the last hou...

I'm very sorry if I offend or upset you.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

No I can't, I woke this morning with a pain in my heart and my stomach. I've just spent the last hou...

I know this is catastrophic thinking, I know that I am focusing on only the bad things but my mood is so low I'm struggling to try stay afloat. To me my whole world is at risk. My family, my reputation, my life..... All gone and then what? Hated and reviled by society, perhaps deservedly so......

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I know this is catastrophic thinking, I know that I am focusing on only the bad things but my mood i...

I've called the psych hospital I'm going in to see them shortly. I'm really very sorry if I've upset people on here.

 

[blackemerald1]

Ok, what have you not disclosed that a) puts you into the category of female sex offender?
No you don't offend me in the least. I have dealt with sex offenders, murderers wild promiscuous teenager's & probably almost every abhorrent type of behaviour in between.
Please don't Google stuff like that. Unless you have a degree in Criminal Law, have full transcripts of the cases you looked at & the list goes on. You cannot possibly come to any conclusion about yourself & what Google choose to put out there. That little exercise, sorry if this upsets you... WAS a total waste of time. Stop this desire to prove to yourself that you are this monster. And don't rely on Google.... ever.

 

[blackemerald1]

Good thinking. Do that! Don't forget to tell them you have no police history for sex offending. Have a lovely family. Call your hubby & let him know where you are going because you feel like crap. Make sure the kids are in safe hands if they decide to admit you.
I in my HO think you need to be seen by a psych & today could be the best first day for a long time.
All the best!

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Good thinking. Do that! Don't forget to tell them you have no police history for sex offending. Hav...

Thank you

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Thank you

Hi @blackemerald1 I have had my anti-depressant upped again and I've also been prescribed Respiridol (I think that is what it is called). I've also been referred to the home care team so hopefully someone should be coming to see me tomorrow. Psychiatrist seems to think I'm not well enough for therapy at the moment and to be honest she is probably right. I'm just hoping this gets better soon because it is horrendous.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi @SoSadGuilty
Well Done!!!
You are taking back control.
Such a brave move.
I hope you feel a little more empowered to fight back & accept that inside of you is a kind, loving mother, wife & good spirited woman.

If that is what the Psych recommends & you have that back up team coming to visit, then you have jumped a big hurdle today!

If the meds help until you are ready for Therapy, so be it.

You mentioned way back, that you had severe PN Depression. Try to remember this next time you see the Psych & if you have not already, let him know.

The way you plummet, could have something to do with your cycle, hormone balance.

I am no Dr., but aside from your own diagnosis, family history & what you believe are horrendous behaviours as a teen & so on. (Which I truly believe were never more than experimental, teen rebellions) with low esteem in the mix. The Psych may do some blood levels on you & see if your hormones are in range.... over a period of time.

Another suggestion may be to start a journal from today, note down major feelings as the meds come up to therapeutic levels & where you are at in terms of cycle. The Dr may find something in it, maybe nothing but you will be able to read back, anyway & know if there is a pattern emerging from a completely left of field event that you didn't recognise.

If the meds are not helping then you will see that too.

I am not suggesting you embark on a book writing exercise lol. Maybe restricted to Date,dosage of what & when, any accidentally missed doses included. Major activity for day; sleep quantity & quality quality... taking into account you have children who can disrupt a lovely nights sleep but make a symbol for that so you know you were up all night because of something to do with that, rather than your own problem getting to or staying asleep; & a number for Anxiety, Depression, Suicidal thoughts, Positive accompliments/achiements, Negative incidents & recurring thoughts.. It doesn't have to be detailed, like paragraph after paragraph. Numbers or + or - are quite quick & say plenty. You could easily do it on your computer. I would suggest do it morning & night.. If you chose to do it.
Should take about 3 minutes to answer depending on whatever you want to make as your Headings. You can save it to a USB drive & take to your Psych when you start therapy which I am very glad is still on the agenda sometime when you are feeling up to it & won't tear you apart because who knows what might come from that! Maybe, I hope a lot of comfort & reassurance.
Please keep in touch, I care, we care on this forum. If you want to of course but aside from that, others read these threads & find out things about themselves &, or people they are caring for.
Go well,
B1

 

[SoSadGuilty]

@blackemerald1 I read all of your post but I may need to read it again when my brain is working a bit better. Thank you for taking the time to write to me.

The worried / anxious / need to be completely honest part of me just wants to make sure that you understand that a couple of worrying inciders were when I was 23 / 24. I can't really say they were teenage experiments or whatever. I should have known better.

 

[blackemerald1]

Maybe 23/24 is still a bit young to condem yourself for a life time of being an Evil monster. I did really stupid things at that age & older which would make your eyes glaze over. We all make mistakes, heavens if I had been caught, I don't know what might have come of it... I was pretty wild for a few more years after that too
But I did no harm & if you you can stick to that idea, & it sounds as if you did not..
Shove it down to experience or, growing up but eventually us wild ones slow up & mature. You have, look at your children & hubby & the responsabilities you manage now.
Over time our impulses to do silly things wears off. We become more cautious & change. You fear the past, which nobody but you is worried about... you have met the people/parents you did these things near. Nobody recalls you doing harm or abhorrent things to them or their kids. Maybe you regret what you did or what might have happened. But that is a regret, we all carry them around & unless you have a clear recollection of doing harm deliberately, you are just not a Evil sex offending monster. So don't lose your perspective. That is all I am trying to say..
Let yourself have a break, forgive yourself.