I Feel I Deserve To Die

[Stickler]

We all mess up. We all do things we regret...regret forever sometimes. You are doing your very best, and that is the definition of a good and moral person.
You deserve some peace and happiness.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

The kindness of strangers on this site is overwhelming and it has kept me going through the last few dark days.

This sounds sort of pathetic but I want people to like me, I want people to think I'm kind and good. I used to be very vulnerable in real life to people not liking me and I always wanted to please them. Less so in latter years when I took a complete break from my family. I now worry that it is the people pleasing part of me that makes you all believe I'm good, kind etc. Because I've set out to be a good forum member, helpful and kind. Today my brain is telling me that I'm only doing so to fool you all as evil monsters do. I'm just so all over the place at the moment with my thoughts. I'm sorry.

 

[Ronin]

I want people to think I'm kind and good.

We already know that. ;):hug:

 

[SoSadGuilty]

We already know that. ;):hug:

It is just my mind has turned it into.... I want people to think I'm kind and good so they won't know what an awful person I really am. I'm terrified I'm some sort of emotional manipulator which of course provides evidence that I am of course a sociopathic monster. I'm so afraid of everything at the moment, constantly checking myself.

 

[Ronin]

I'm so afraid of everything at the moment, constantly checking myself.

Don't be, please.

& other thought: Abandon those manipulator / sociopath / monster words & equating them. They're not the same. They don't mean the same things in the same land.

 

[blackemerald1]

So you want us to believe you are fooling all us & you have come to this site ultimately to be a monster?
Then you say, your sorry & your head is all over the place!
If you are a monster, you are doing a rubbish job at it.
Yes your head is all over the place, so are most of the members in the forum from time to time or all the time. You are in a bad place mentally right now. Is there something you can DO, to move on from this mindset now, something you can do that will push yourself past this & give yourself some respite at for a little while?

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Don't be, please.

& other thought: Abandon those manipulator / sociopath / monster words & equating them....

Thanks @Cashew you guys are so kind. Just reading posts and chatting to people on here has helped enormously the last few days. I've also been forcing myself to exercise as if I don't I will get under the quilt and curl up and never come out. I hit that point a few days ago when I made this post. It has been the replies from strangers, plus the determination of my husband and a friend who have been through this with me before numerous times, that has managed to prevent complete disintegration. I've been pushed to get out of bed everyday, to eat something, to walk outside even a little bit in order to keep me from fully falling into the black abyss once more. The combination of obsessive thinking and depression is a painful mental burden although in my current state I of course believe I deserve it.

 

[Ronin]

If you are a monster, you are doing a rubbish job at it.

:hilarious: And this. In all seriousness, though.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

So you want us to believe you are fooling all us & you have come to this site ultimately to be a mo...

I don't know how to forgive myself, I fear so much I have forgotten other transgressions and I spend my days mentally searching for them. I run and re-run through memories searching for the reality, what was I thinking, what was I feeling....am I and have I always been so manipulative and callous that I couldn't see how I might hurt others by my actions. Could I truly be that naive not to know my actions were wrong? I was brought up in a very moral household where we were taught right from wrong so how could I act in a way that I should have, must have known was wrong. I hid my actions in some cases so clearly I knew they were unacceptable. What is broken in me?

Today I went for a run with my best friend, I couldn't run properly I was so overwhelmed by the weight of my shame and the guilt. We talked about it again and she said again she was not shocked by any of the things I told her. That everyone but me could see that I was a kind person who was the worst liar in the world. That I felt guilty about everything anyway so feeling guilty about memories didn't equate to needing to feel guilty. She laughed at me when I said I worried that this kind me was but a persona designed to fool everyone. I know everyone thinks it is kind of funny but the last 10 years have reminded me of actions I'd once forgotten and now I'm stuck relieving them over and over.

I cried a lot to her today, I cried for the 3 / 4 year old me rubbing the backs of my legs while sitting on the stairs after my father had used his belt on me. I had been cheeky to him in mass, I even remember his words "just wait til I get you home". Those words always struck fear in my heart. But I remember that young me bewildered and rubbing the backs of my legs not really sure what it was all about. Today I cried for that me and I cried for my father too as I know he didn't mean to hurt me in the way it probably did. I cried for the me who got hit because my brother tripped and split his head open on the front door. I was blamed although I hadn't actually done anything. I cried for the young teen me who told my father to "f*ck off" and when he went for me "I said go on hit me then sure that is your answer to everything". I cried for the me that was so emotionally confused all the time, who felt unhappy but didn't know why, for the me who felt her younger siblings got preferential treatment, for the me who was always the "difficult" or "awkward" one. The me who was always "too sensitive" , the me who was awkward and weird and out of place and unhappy. The me who went to boarding school and changed her bra in a cupboard because her roommates mocked her who hid in the tiny toilets to wash because her roommates told her it was weird to wash your feet in the sink. The me who was clearly depressed and not coping at 15 / 16 and who moved schools to try to feel better. The me who was left behind with my brother to live with a family friend when our family moved 2 hours away. We were left behind because we were in exam years but I was so angry and upset. I couldn't understand how they could do this and I was mean to my parents friends. They had young kids and I hated those kids, they followed me everywhere and never left me alone. My brother seemed less affected but he was younger 14, and different personality. Today I'm sad for the me who could have been and I'm sad for the me I turned out to be. The me who feels she can't live with herself, the me who has everything one needs on the surface but who can't forgive or love herself.

 

[Ronin]

I fear so much I have forgotten other transgressions and I spend my days mentally searching for them.

If you have to search for them, they weren't that big deal any way.

I run and re-run through memories searching for the reality

Sounds to me the search results don't go according to criteria at all? More than reality sounded to me you're slipping deeper off.

.am I and have I always been so manipulative and callous that I couldn't see how I might hurt others by my actions

There's something like time. Most people bounce. Even when hurt. Even when hurt multiple times, if it's some little things. Aka, going that far back? For little mistakes? Counter productive & if it were about being apologetic, long past frame of needed and possible fixes. AKA: Let gooo. Everyone else would have moved on by now.

I hid my actions in some cases so clearly I knew they were unacceptable

Some times, hiding is necessary to survive.

Doesn't mean what's being done and with whom is a bad thing. In any sense of that word.

Hiding itself only proves the need to hide. But for what reasons that need is there is a whole different world.

That everyone but me could see that I was a kind person who was the worst liar in the world.

That chick knows what's up. Try to understand what she's saying. Try to see what she's saying, look at yourself through her eyes.

She laughed at me when I said I worried that this kind me was but a persona designed to fool everyone.

See? If it had any merit, she'd have called it by now.

I'm sorry for your pain & hurt you're in. It sounds so overwhelming.
But you're good peoples, and will get through it, too.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

If you have to search for them, they weren't that big deal any way.



Sounds to me the search results don...

I'm just exhausted to be honest. Sometimes I get a short break from the thoughts and fears and immediately I feel guilty and think Oh but what about this and this..... wearying

I think you'd like my friend, she is very sympathetic & supportive but she can also make me laugh at myself even when I'm in the midst of a crying jag so bad there is snot pouring down my face.

 

[Ronin]

I'm just exhausted to be honest. Sometimes I get a short break from the thoughts and fears and immediately I feel guilty

You deserve those pauses, though. In fact a whole life of them. Guilts & fears have already pestered you more than enough and need to lay it off, because this is no way to live.

So, what about telling yourself you deserve to feel guilt free next time a pause comes? Taking a deep breath, washing your face, doing something pleasant for a while?