Confused About Surreal Encounter With Neighbour

[barefoot]

I'm feeling very confused about something so would appreciate hearing any of your views on this...

A few days ago, my neighbour turned up on my doorstep out of the blue in the evening. We'll chat if we bump into each other but we don't really know each other and we're certainly not friends. She looked terrible - something was clearly very wrong - so I invited her in. My partner was home too so the three of us sat together and my neighbour burst into tears and then just started spilling all this stuff....firstly, that she and her husband were splitting up, then lots of other very personal disclosures including stuff about their sex life... She was also asking lots of questions and making lots of comments about my partner and I - constantly insisting that she "doesn't have a problem" with our relationship (we're both women) and that she isn't "that way inclined" and that we're not "of her nature". Just stupid, ignorant comments. Most conversations I've ever had with her, at some point she'll bring up out of nowhere that she doesn't have a problem with us. Er...ok...!

Anyway, it was all quite surreal and while I was ok with listening to someone off-loading because she was upset, it all felt a bit much and a bit out of control and she just made me feel quite uncomfortable. She left after a couple of hours but only really because we pretty much wound things up so it was very clear that it was time for her to go! I think she'd have just stayed drinking wine with us all night otherwise...

Anyway...when she left, my partner and I walked her to the door. She then just launched herself at me and gripped me in a very big bear hug, which took me by surprise. I don't like being touched and particularly don't like hugs. Then she started crying again and was kind of nuzzling into my neck. Next thing, she'd somehow got her hand under my cardigan and was holding my boob. Not that she'd brushed against it or something. She was actually just holding it...like, cupping it. And I just sort of froze and felt confused about it (She's holding my boob! No....she can't be holding my boob! Etc) and then I managed to disentangle from the hug and got her out the front door. As she left, she said she'd talk to us in a few days.

After she'd gone, my partner and I had a laugh about how surreal it all was and how we weren't expecting a lot of the things she disclosed. So we were being quite jokey about it. But since then, I've been feeling quite stressed about the prospect of her turning up again - I don't want her back in the house but I know I'll find it difficult not to offer to help her again if I do see her and she wants to talk.

My home is the place I feel safe. Now it feels like that's been spoilt a bit. Especially because I feel on tenterhooks about her maybe just turning up again. It feels like she just rocked up without warning, came into my house (my sanctuary), shared a load of really personal stuff even though we don't know each other, made some ignorant comments about my relationship/sexuality, which I found insulting even though I don't think that was her intention, and that she also made it very difficult for us to get rid of her, which caused me some anxiety. And the fact that she touched me. The hug. And then there's the boob holding... It all feels....invasive. But now I'm thinking that I let her do all those things - and I think that's because a) she was upset and b) I felt too awkward/confused/frozen to say or do anything.

I told my therapist about it yesterday and she was horrified and told me not to let her back in my house again because she clearly didn't have boundaries and because she'd behaved very inappropriately. When I first started telling her, I thought I was telling a funny story about my neighbour turning up and telling us all these wild things. But then I realised how stressed I was about her potentially coming over again and encroaching on my safe home space. And then my therapist was focusing a lot on the touching and asking if I was ok. I hadn't really thought about the boob thing much before, but it doesn't really feel ok. But I also don't want to blow it out of proportion and I think my therapist was making a bigger deal of it than it was. But she was picking up on stuff that I've found difficult with some things in the past including around my trauma...that I freeze and don't say no/stop and that I later doubt myself, make excuses for the other person and decide I've got something wrong or that something was my fault.

I feel like an idiot. Pathetic. Very unsettled. And I don't know how to make my house feel safe again :-(

 

[scout86]

It all feels....invasive.

It feels that way because it WAS.

I don't want her back in the house but I know I'll find it difficult not to offer to help her again if I do see her and she wants to talk.

You don't have to let her back in the house, no matter what she wants. There's actually a chance that once she realizes how wildly inappropriate her behavior was, she'll be too embarrassed to come back. (You can hope!) If she's NOT too embarrassed to come back.... I'd say that puts her in the category of "clearly nuts".

I feel like an idiot. Pathetic. Very unsettled. And I don't know how to make my house feel safe again :-(

You don't sound like an idiot and you don't sound pathetic. Your neighbor, on the other hand....... What about coming up with a plan, ahead of time, for how to deal with her? I think you're less likely to freeze under pressure if you have a plan. Talk it over with your partner and your T. Practice in your head. Maybe even do some role playing practice with your partner and your T so you get used to saying things like "No, now isn't a good time."

 

[AnnaLost]

I'm with @scout86 on this one. You don't sound pathetic or like an idiot, your neighbor's behavior was inappropriate and in my mind, an assault on you, both physically and mentally. Completely unacceptable and you have every right to be upset. I'd be a mess if someone did that to me!

If she was drinking, chances are good she's going to be mortified by her actions and will avoid you like the plague now. I've had similar experiences (without the boob grabs) and honestly, I've felt relief when I've seen those people after and they won't make eye contact.

The idea of coming up with a plan, what you want to say and how to deal with different scenarios is a really good one. You may never even have to use them, but it might help boost your confidence and help you feel more in control of the situation. Good luck!

 

[barefoot]

Thanks both.

Yes, I have thought (hoped!) that she might now be embarrassed herself about the things she told us and won't come back - I think that's a possibility.
Fingers crossed!

My therapist was trying to help me come up with a plan for things to say if she does turn up...she came up with lots of things, but it was all sort of sliding out of my head by then... I work from home, so I think I could easily say I was on a call - and I think I would be able to say that. I think the hard thing would be that if she looked upset, I'd feel inclined to follow it up with "But I could pop round later?" I think the danger is that I'd easily cave if I thought I looked rude or if I felt that I wasn't helping someone who was upset.

My partner has said we're not answering the door in the evenings now and I noticed when I got home yesterday that she'd closed the blinds at the front of the house so that no one could see in. And, on the one hand, that feels reassuring. On the other, it feels like we're imprisoning ourselves/hiding in our own home, which is annoying. But maybe in the short term it will be a good plan.

 

[barefoot]

It feels that way because it WAS.

Thank you for this validation - it was helpful to hear. I don't know why I always look to excuse other people and make myself wrong. It makes things so confusing.

 

[Zenith Astrology]

Just know you did a good thing by trying to help, you can always re- assert your boundaries, and without feeling a tinge of guilt! Astrologically Mercury (who rules neighbors) has just got into the early degrees of Aquarius and already flustered by Mars squaring him from Scorpio for the past week. What makes things worse is he is Retrograde as of tonight. So stuff with neighbors are always more interesting and sometimes anxiety filled, than when he's direct and not under tense square, from a tense planet (Mars) no less. I'm always easily bored, so sometimes I even like them.

Your 3rd house also shows the type of neighbors you will have for life. Mine is ruled by Libra, as it is for all Leo Ascendants. Libra is a easy going sign, BUT my 3rd has Pluto in it. One of very intense, on or off complete underworld interaction. Your 3rd house also shows your early environment, and Pluto, besides being very violent and even sexual, is one of the the planets of "out there experiences". As is Uranus (very out there) and Neptune to a lesser extent. So if you have these planets or sings that are ruled by these planets, Scorpio, Aquarius, Pisces, and you have them on the Sun or the Moon or in your 3rd or 4th house cusps, you will have "out there" type of experiences.

The 4th house and your Moon Sign also show what types of energies you will have surrounding your home - for life.
So, I have Pluto x3, as he is for my Moon Sign, and 4th house. As he is for most Leo Ascendants, as we all will have the sign of Scorpio on the 4th house cusp, but most and very very few, would not have Pluto also Conjunct the Moon from the 3rd house already in the sign of Scorpio. Remember, the 4th house is the most sensitive point in the chart, besides your Moon sign. And having all these "bad boys" at the bottom of my chart, I would warn of what these planets represent to anyone else that I see born with them. It is no wonder I have PTSD, to the good Astrologer. Then I have Uranus and the sensitive Moon, also in my already (extra) plutonian 4th house. Uranus intensify's and quickens what he touches, giving immediate shock about it. Pluto is more of a "tower card" feel, a type of ripping asunder.

As Uranus is lighting, and rules lightning. And with him, have NO time to prepare!

Combining these two, sometimes 3 and 4 times over, at the bottom of a chart around the Moon, is like taking plutonium and uranium and throwing it in the kitchen (4th house) just for shits and giggles.

So if you are keen, you can only imagine what my neighbor and home situation is / was like.

 

[scout86]

My therapist was trying to help me come up with a plan for things to say if she does turn up...she came up with lots of things, but it was all sort of sliding out of my head by then..

I have that happen a lot too. Can you write stuff down? You might even write out whole scripts, when you have time.

I wasn't thinking along the lines of a white lie to deal with her. I was more thinking along the lines of "Based on your past behavior, I'm really not comfortable being alone in the house with you." I know that's probably not the kind of thing you'd normally say. Think about the kinds of things you'd LIKE to say, or that you've wished you'd come up with, after the fact. And do some role playing. Have fun with it, even.

Thank you for this validation -

You're welcome! I know what you mean too. My T frequently says things like that, that "should" be perfectly obvious, but they aren't always. It really does help to actually hear it!

 

[barefoot]

I was more thinking along the lines of "Based on your past behavior, I'm really not comfortable being alone in the house with you."

Oh my God! I would never, ever be able to say anything close to that! I don't think I could even say it in a role play with my therapist or partner! My therapist once tried to get me to practise saying 'no' and pushing my arms out in front of me to stop people hugging me - it was in prep for a course I was running where I knew it was likely that some of the participants would be very tactile and huggy. I just couldn't do it - not even to just practise it with her. I felt so awkward and self-conscious about it. In fact, thinking about it (and even thinking about how thinking about it now is making me feel!) - I think it was shame that I felt. But I don't know that it was shame about having to try to do it on the course, or whether it was shame about not saying it/being able to say it in the past, or whether it was something shameful about my therapist witnessing me do it in the practise. I don't know. But it felt...ugh....really shuddery!

 

[scout86]

Oh my God! I would never, ever be able to say anything close to that!

That made me laugh, but only because I get it. :hilarious:

My current therapy homework assignment is to watch the movie "Inside Out". I haven't done it yet because it means going out and finding it and renting it..... But, one if the things I've heard based on the movie is that "feelings" have "jobs". Apparently one of the "jobs" of Anger is to "keep people from running over the top of us". What an amazing concept! I was kind was raised to think it was "wrong" be feel angry, about ANYTHING. Possibly that wasn't accurate?

Play with this a little. Really. YOU have just as much right to your own space in the world as anyone else has to theirs. You have MORE right to your own space in the world than anyone else has to YOUR space. You can chose to let them in, but it should be a choice. You may not have been raised to think that, but that doesn't mean your earlier beliefs were accurate or that you can't change them. After all, they thought the world was flat at one time too. Things change. Beliefs can be updated as we gain new, improved information. ;)

 

[barefoot]

Oh, I saw Inside Out a few weeks ago. Yes - they all have their job to do. So it's not about Joy being in charge the whole time because the others are 'bad' and therefore shouldn't get a look in. It's about all feelings having their roles to play. That's a great homework :-)

I get what you're saying. And I'm remembering your therapist's map analogy that you told me before ;-)

The thing I think I find most difficult when it comes to keeping/expressing my boundaries...it's like I have a momentary brain freeze when I'm in a position where someone is doing something I don't want to do. So...if someone swoops in on me for a hug, it takes me by surprise and then it's like I have a really, really fast freeze response and by the time I've then processed what's going on and how I feel about it, the hug is already happening. I've already 'let them'. And then it feels easier to carry on letting them because, otherwise, I've got to stop them and tell them no and physically push them away from me and that feels rude/like I'm being weird/like I'm making a big deal out of something 'normal' and making things uncomfortable for everyone. So...I think it's easier to put up with it. Because I think it's me and my weird stuff and not their fault...hugging isn't weird...I'm weird about hugging...

I've leaving the boob grab out of the equation here as I think that IS her weird and I don't really know what to do with that at the moment. As in, I don't know what I think about it - not that I'm actually going to DO anything about it! But, again....I didn't do or so anything to express that it wasn't ok. I just let her do it and then got out of the hug when I could. I asked my therapist what she would have done and she said she would have asked her to remove her hand from her breast. I laughed! My therapist didn't. I said she wouldn't actually say that in this circumstances and she said she absolutely would. She then made it very clear that she wasn't saying I was wrong to not say anything - that lots of people wouldn't have said anything. She was just answering me honestly because I'd asked her. That kind of blew my mind a bit that someone would actually say that...

 

[scout86]

it's like I have a momentary brain freeze when I'm in a position where someone is doing something I don't want to do.

I do that sometimes too. And sometimes I haul off and hit them without thinking about THAT too. :confused: That's the point of practicing. "Practicing" doesn't mean you have to be able to go all the way to the final, hoped for outcome right now. It means you have a goal in mind and you're working towards it. This stuff is HARD. (At least it seems like it is to me.) So, maybe today you can "imagine doing something to express your displease". Whatever that is. Could be screaming, fainting, running away, anything, just "something". In fact, sometimes I make a game out of thinking of as many possible responses as I can. And let them be as totally out there as I can come up with too. To the point of making it funny. (That helps!) I think you can do this. You many never see the woman again, but I think this is a reason to practice some useful skills. (Your T is pretty amazing. "Remove your hand!" is NOT something I would have thought of!)

That freeze response is the pathway that your brain has used the most. It's the most familiar, so it's the easy choice. The practicing will let you make other options easier to pick, under pressure. (I guess I'd better suck it up and go rent the movie! :eek:)

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I am sorry but that is horrible. Would you be comfortable maybe sending her a letter via mail and just explaining how uncomfortable the touching you made you feel? I can see how you can short term make excuses.. but with a neighbor I don't know you really can't escape for instance if you have yard work to do unless you are in an apartment or something. Maybe she was wasted- fine.. but still she has some deeper problems. Who the heck does that.. ?? IDK, I work with an older guy who periodically makes me uncomfortable. (via comments- which I have addressed in the past, and once when he touched my arm I blocked it with mine. I also confronted him awhile back as he was talking derogatory and I took it like he was saying in front of the customers to insinuate we (servers) were whores or something- ) I confronted him. Never the less he still does little crap that bothers me. His wife is onto it (she works there also and I know she has seen him be interested in my appearance or touch my arm with one finger like weird almost a caress ((I was glad she saw as I am only trying to do my job and mostly ignore and do not stop to notice, just move away and onto something else).. and I asked a male coworker (I am female) about it- he does it to him also.. just how he is. I have left great jobs over sexual harassment and here I have seen it as an older generation thing. I try not to make a big deal out of it- but one of these days if he is not careful he will be lucky if I stop at a scolding. He is old, and planning to retire soon so I just wait it out. I know he appreciates me as an employee and I appreciate a job. Confrontation did not really work. But cupping a breast- that's way to far. Would you feel better if you indirectly confronted this person and just say you assume she was just drunk or something but it really disturbed you. Maybe she would apologize? You don't have to be there for her to pick her life back up.. she took advantage of the situation. I hate that crap. Sorry to hear - don't let her back.