Where Did My Memories Go?

[Deleted member 27340]

I knew already that I suppressed a lot, but a while back my T went looking for old records to see if there were any. I can't recall why she decided to do that, but that doesn't matter because what's important is what she found.

She found almost two years of approximately monthly appointments with a child psychiatry office. I was about 8 to 10 or 7 to 9, somewhere around there. The child psychiatry office was one of several governmental offices of the same kind, and my current T is at an office like this where I live now.

The catch here is that I have no memory whatsoever of these appointments. Not the place, not who I talked to, not what it was about, nothing at all. We're talking about something like 20 to 25 appointments and I can't recall anything about any of them.

I find this pretty scary. Like I said I've been aware that I suppressed things but never that it was this severe. If all those appointments are completely erased from my memory, what else has gone with them? That time period is the one I remember the least from, and I have some really disturbing memories from that time. They are blurry, confusing, incomplete and short, but they are there. And that's about it.

I've gone a while with no therapy at all, but now I'm changing therapists and will see my new one under four eyes for the first time on Thursday. I think I might ask to see her more than once a week, if I like her. She seems nice and because I've been to therapy at that office for two years without ever getting stable enough to do trauma therapy I guess it'd be a good idea to see if more frequent visits could make a difference? I'm just scared that when I eventually hit the point where my T feels I can handle trauma therapy and we go about doing it I'll get back massive amounts of memories. Last time that happened I had a suicide attempt.

I think I kinda forgot where I was going with this... but I guess I'm just seeking some ears on this whole supressed memories thing? Because so much is gone and it's kinda spooky.

 

[SeanCharles]

My early childhood trauma has some memory holes. Ever since a certain television movie aired, I tend to look back upon my childhood both pre-trauma and the traumatic times and of course the post-childhood-trauma(s) which have multiplied since the initial childhood traumas.

I know that since that movie aired, I've gotten to know me (and my insiders) over these several years which for me is now in the process of de-compartmentalization (a slow work in progress)..

 

[Deleted member 28403]

This sort of thing is quite common, I still have huge gaps in memory, especially from the earlier periods, and basically, I barely remember about 6 years of my life...

I've been working a lot on recovering traumatic memories, but some time ago, there was a period when I literarly didn't remember even one moment from that period. I was like a robot, there was no trauma in my mind, but also not much emotions. Then I was heavily triggered by a new traumatic event, which triggered memories to come back one after another... But still, a lot of gaps. So yea, entirely possible...

 

[LuckyDuck]

It's common. It is scary. One part you may wish to consider is that as you get older, memory recall to when your brain was younger will be more difficult, due to changes in the brain. The years you're mentioning correspond with research. It's not just ages 4 and below, some reports are up to age ten. Considering what you went through, I wouldn't be surprised. That's not a medical opinion, just my own. My memory gaps are from my teens.

There is a chance you might regain some of the memories in your 20's. Depending on how bad you think things are, perhaps with the help from your T you can build a proper defence if they do come up. Having a leg up is always better than being unprepared.

LD

 

[shimmerz]

The catch here is that I have no memory whatsoever of these appointments. Not the place, not who I talked to, not what it was about, nothing at all. We're talking about something like 20 to 25 appointments and I can't recall anything about any of them.

Is it possible that you were dissociated through this time?

 

[ladee]

I totally understand. I have years missing also. Because I am much older, I had to decide if it was necessary for me to go back there. In my case, if they are never remembered, it is ok.. But if they do present, then I will deal with it. I just know what ever it was, for me to completely shut it down, scares me to think I will have to go back and remember. But that is just me. Don't recommend this for everyone. But small snippets of memory have returned since joining the forums. If it gets too much, then back to Therapy I go. I am worth the work.

 

[WillyKat]

There's another way to think about this. We're not able to remember traumatic events, or at least some, many, or most details because of the way the brain works. During trauma, the mechanisms that record events is shut down and the mechanisms that handle fear and survival are dialed up to the max. So instead of saying we can't remember, or that we're suppressing something are quite accurate. We may be trying to retrieve something that just ain't there.

This is how human beings and many other species evolved to react and its all perfectly normal. We've all heard of fight or flight, the natural reaction to fight off an attack or to run away. There's a third category: dissociation or freezing. If we were in a situation where fighting or running away weren't options, the only thing left is to freeze, go limp, dissociate. We are then much less of a threat to the attacker or abuser. And that kept us alive. Again, all perfectly normal; millions of years of evolution working effectively.

As other have said, you may remember more over time. Often though, these memories only come up when you find yourself back in the same mental/emotional state as when you were traumatized. The "memories" come back fragmented, disorganized, and not necessarily recognizeable. They may resurface only as feelings, usually fear, anxiety, worry.

So if you can remember and work with your T on it, that is great because you can then defuse the recollections. You can process when you're calm and dissipate the fear associated with them. But if they never return don't sweat it. It's ok. My former T told me that memories often resurface when you're strong enough to handle it.

I know it feels scary right now, but this is part of the process of healing. Take care.

 

[Born to Run]

They may resurface only as feelings, usually fear, anxiety, worry.

If you do somatic experiencing you get the full package not only emotions, but your body shows you the complete re-enactment of what happened. I am glad I remembered finally all that I never knew, it explained my entire course of life.

memories often resurface when you're strong enough to handle it.

I agree and therefore you basically do not need to worry.

 

[Amar]

Oh boy, and I thought I was alone like that... I also have gaps of years and knowledge... In my case the thing is some of the memories that back appear to be not traumatic at all, so I have no idea why those were suppressed? Maybe those just got in package with traumatic ones?

I also forgot knowledge from those periods... I forgot books I read, subjects I studies in the university, oh, so much, that it scares me what I have left... I never did a therapy... in my book ptsd was never considered neither I wanted to identify myself with a metal problem... I also wonder if I need to remember, but as the author, I am also scared of how much of who I am I might have forgotten (who knows, maybe for the best?).

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Thanks a lot to all of you for your great replies! :hug:s

It's common. It is scary. One part you may wish to consider is that as you get older, memory recall to when your brain was younger will be more difficult, due to changes in the brain. The years you're mentioning correspond with research. It's not just ages 4 and below, some reports are up to age ten. Considering what you went through, I wouldn't be surprised.

I'm a little confused what research and reports you're referring to, but I'd love to hear more?

There is a chance you might regain some of the memories in your 20's.

Huh... scary :(

Is it possible that you were dissociated through this time?

It's from so many appointments and so long that I don't think I can possibly have dissociated through all of it. More likely it's just gone down with the trauma memories, which is an even scarier thought than the possibility of having just dissociated through it.

If you do somatic experiencing you get the full package not only emotions, but your body shows you the complete re-enactment of what happened. I am glad I remembered finally all that I never knew, it explained my entire course of life.

I've never heard of somatic experiencing before, but it doesn't sound fun. Has it been easier for you to deal with what you went through and understand yourself after getting your memories back?

I agree and therefore you basically do not need to worry.

They do apparently resurface even if you're not strong enough to handle them as well because that happened to me and it was terrible.

In my case the thing is some of the memories that back appear to be not traumatic at all, so I have no idea why those were suppressed? Maybe those just got in package with traumatic ones?

This sounds exactly like me. I think the other memories just got lost along with the traumatic ones.

 

[cedum]

I totally understand, and yes, it is scary. I have several years and episodes missing from childhood, but also a few episodes as an adult. Just a few years ago, I have lost almost a whole year. I keep finding pictures, things I've "liked" on facebook, books I've obviously read - and it just isn't there. It's totally blank. I haven't found any other way of dealing with this, than acceptance. Perhaps your memories will reoccur, perhaps not, and maybe it's just as WillyKat writes: there are no memories to retrieve. Either way, I hope your new T will be helpful and good for you. Maybe she can help you find the memory loss a bit less scary.

 

[Changing4Best]

I had suppressed memories too. I was in therapy when my first recollection of sexual abuse and such during my early childhood came to light. I was in therapy for YEARS before this came to light! It was so horrible to recall that I quit therapy even. I never went back to that therapist ever again. Later on, when I could start to deal with therapy again, I went to a new therapist and then another until I finally found one that I like. I am down to once a month visits now, but when I started, I did therapy twice a week for awhile, then once a week and then once every other week and then the once a month. I have been in therapy for most of my adult life, actually. I just took some time off to deal with the trauma on my own for awhile, as therapy was too much to face then.