Where Did My Memories Go?

[Born to Run]

I've never heard of somatic experiencing before, but it doesn't sound fun. Has it been easier for you to deal with what you went through and understand yourself after getting your memories back?

To me somatic experiencing has proven far superior over talk therapy; efficient and fast results. I would probably not describe any therapy as fun. After 20 years of talk therapy I still did not know I had very early trauma. Remembering those memories has helped in making sense of my whole life, that I could not before and therefore invaluable.

They do apparently resurface even if you're not strong enough to handle them as well because that happened to me and it was terrible.

I am sorry this happened and it surprises me. I wonder if you were in therapy then? Or how this happened otherwise, if you want to tell?

 

[Whirlwind]

Hi,

I know it is spooky but as others have said, I have come to learn and believe it was necessary at the time and accept the big blanks in my history. I am missing most of my memories before age 12ish. I have big periods of dissociation during my teens/early adult too (now I know what that was!). I was lucky enough to have a couple of early memories confirmed by FOO so that helped me believe in the few I have.

My therapist said that memories and "what happened" so to speak can be reached indirectly and one thing we did was have me describe for example..

-what I believed to be a "typical day"....or (carefully) a "bad event". Interestingly I know exactly what could "GET" me in trouble and WHY)
-describe personality of a parent, and/or beliefs I think they had about us, life, future...
-"truths" about life/me I believed as a child
-family "stories". Spoken out loud to my therapist the truth behind the story was obvious
- personal quirks as adult, nothing bad but revealing over time. I had a few my partner at the time teased me about (in a nice way)

This was a fantastic technique for me and I was able to share more than I expected, I "know" way more than I realized. Just be careful, emerging memories are brutal, I needed my therapist during this time.

These kind of questions revealed so much of what was going on in my life at the time. He said that these beliefs came from events that must have occurred frequently and some multiple/common/repeat events can coalesce into a single memory or a "belief". I could give examples but don't want to trigger anyone. If clarification is best through example, PM me and I'll share a couple of toned down ones.

Regarding future memories - they did surface via flashbacks in my 40's and more so during therapy. My therapists said it was a combination of current trauma bringing them out, my ability to survive them as an adult, and perhaps the safety of therapy. He says the brain protects us and that is what memory loss is about. Not recovering everything is ok according to him. Its more when things are causing trouble in the day to day, flashbacks, nightmares etc. It is memories trying to break through. My lifelong repeat nightmares decreased greatly after some memories/realizations "broke through". It was heinous I won't lie but now I'm glad they came through.

As a result I finally came to get the truth of my early trauma, some things I still do not have memories of but the evidence is sufficient for other reasons. I probably will have flashbacks again but now I know what is going on and it is manageable.

I'm still ok with not remembering, I don't see the value, the few I have are sad enough. I have come to realize for me the missing memory trouble is this uneasy feeling of isolation I carry with me, and having such a blank past...I finally made that connection and I'm working on that now.

I hope something here helps, take good care, Whirlwind