What Does A Resolved Memory Feel Like?

[DogwoodTree]

Once you've resolved a memory, how does it feel different?

Does it not intrude into your thoughts anymore? Does it not overwhelm you with the experience of remembering it? Does it not interfere with your ability to do normal things?

Haven't quite been able to wrap my mind around what this could look like...

A few years ago, I lost two babies to miscarriage within a few months. For about a year, it was extremely painful to think about the losses, to where I would lock myself in my closet for hours, or go driving and not come back for several hours, and I had extreme suicidal ideation. But I faced "into" those feelings, and felt the grief and pain and sadness and despair, instead of stuffing it and pretending that it didn't affect me. About two years after the losses, I got to a point where I could think about them and, even though I might cry a little, it wasn't overwhelming.

Now, 6 years after the losses, I can think about them without even getting all that sad. I wonder about those babies, and I can "tap into" the sadness when trying to relate to someone else who has experienced a loss, but it's not at all overwhelming. But there are people I talked with during that time right after the losses, who would get very upset about their own losses from decades earlier. It seemed like they had never really processed the grief. (But then...I might be handling my own losses very differently because I have Asperger's, and it might not really have anything to do with who has processed their grief and who hasn't...I just don't know.)

So...is it possible to expect a similar level of resolution on childhood trauma memories? Could I reach a point where I know those things happened, I accept them, and it no longer affects me so deeply? Or are those things buried so deeply in my psyche that this is simply not a reasonable goal?

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@DogwoodTree Yes it is possible but takes time and a good therapists. For me Hakomi and EMDR methods have worked great. EMDR especially. One memory I had was of my mother telling me "I am selfish". After processing it with EMDR the positive cognition that came was "I am a caring person". Now, I can't even utter the words "I am selfish" to myself. I still have lots of other memories to work on but definitely it is possible.

 

[Friday]

The traumas I really don't care about? It's not like they were never devastating. Many were. They simply no longer have their fangs in me. They don't gut me. They don't shred me. They don't yank me into the past or muddy up my present. They don't have a handle on me, I have a handle on them. I own them / they're mine, they don't own me.

That's worlds away different from both the traumas that shred me / I have no control over (can't even lock them away in boxes), & the traumas I have locked away in neat little boxes (perfectly fine* as long as nothing knocks them over and they come spilling out).

* Not really. Compartments near always break down over time / it only works until it doesn't.

One thing I've found to be true in my own life is historical context. Meaning? If I've done it before? I can do it again. Meaning I already know I can either recompartmentalize everything that shreds me (lock them in boxes), or deal with the f*ckers. Because I've done both, before.

So I would suspect that if you've been able to process some traumas to the level you describe? That, yeah. You would be able to process the others to the same level or better.

 

[Seasounds]

But I faced "into" those feelings, and felt the grief and pain and sadness and despair, instead of stuffing it and pretending that it didn't affect me. About two years after the losses, I got to a point where I could think about them and, even though I might cry a little, it wasn't overwhelming.

The way you described processing your losses, and the results afterwards, are similar to my experiences of processing grief.

With childhood traumas, from my experience, I would say, "Yes," a similar result with memory is possible; very reasonable. For me, the more I healed from the traumas, the less I thought about the traumas. And I still need to be disciplined about the old 'trauma monkey mind', so that it hooks me less and less.

You bring up a good point: that as everyone is different-be it from medical conditions, etc., as I understand it, partially or completely resolved grief is very individual.

 

[sun seeker]

Now, 6 years after the losses, I can think about them without even getting all that sad. I wonder about those babies, and I can "tap into" the sadness when trying to relate to someone else who has experienced a loss, but it's not at all overwhelming.

I think that's the idea, yes. Your Asperger's doesn't make you different in this regard. That is what a resolved traumatic memory feels like. Like "Yes, this happened, but it doesn't dominate my life anymore."

I think so, anyway... with most of my trauma I'm not there yet, though some of it is getting better. I have had the experience of working through particular aspects of my trauma and not being triggered by reminders of it anymore, though. Things I couldn't imagine doing because I would be too affected, I can now do. That would be one way to tell.

 

[Knak]

I never think about them any more when they are resolved (I'm referring to childhood trauma). This is by means of EMDR.

I have changed a lot, I am more able to talk and not be totally self conscious or paranoid that I stick out as a reject and that nobody likes me to be in their presence and that whatever I say is repulsive and irrelevant.

I am still afraid of people and I don't believe I will ever have a friend who wants to be with me or talk to me, so I am alone a lot. It doesn't help that my spouse tries to berate everything I say and doesn't want to be with me, but I learned to do it back to him to discourage him from picking on me.

I don't have the constant invading memories of humiliation or terror anymore, just on rare occasions. Now I have something I don't know how to label - dizzy, cold sweats, nausea, labored breathing, feeling of absence, fear of going out, can't sleep, can't leave my spouse and he won't leave. Sorry to change the subject.

 

[Sideways]

Sometimes I feel guilty because I get jealous of people who are further ahead in the recovery process than me.

Me and my T are working on a flashback (it's particularly sadistic, rather than sexual) that's been giving me a lot of grief lately. And I feel like I must be beyond help because when I'm not completely shut down, I keep thinking (urgh, yuck...deep breaths)..."I wish someone would treat me that horribly again".

Looooong way to go.

 

[ladee]

@Ragdoll Circus, try not to feel guilty for being honest with yourself. But many of us have gotten past a lot of the immobilizing trauma, by doing what you are doing now... the hard work.
For me, it's just memories, pictures without feelings attached. I don't get triggered by a lot of things that would have sent me down the rabbit hole in the past. Thru the hard work, we all have a toolbox that we start adding things to as we go along.. meditation, deep breathing, EMDR ,shamans, reading and the list goes on. So as things get better, and they do, we know when to pull out what ever tool we need. Yes, I have to 'work' at life. Some things just do not come easy for me... at least for now. There would be no point in Therapy, meds, places like the forums, if it never got better !!!! And try your best to not think about how far you have to go. Be proud of yourself for where you are... YOU got you this far, no one else... so hang tight.... keep moving forward.... gentle :hug:'s if you accept.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's actually pretty amazing we can function with the things we do function with, sometimes, everything considered.

 

[BlueOrange]

And I feel like I must be beyond help because when I'm not completely shut down, I keep thinking (urgh, yuck...deep breaths)..."I wish someone would treat me that horribly again".

I've got a number of friends where I've said "The reason I'm in pain is because I feel happy and safe and comfortable." This always results in offers to be cruel, which shows me that they care, and reinforces a feeling of being happy and safe and comfortable. Bastards ;)

Right now, I keep wishing that a truly terrifying danger would appear, so that my symptoms would go away.

 

[ladee]

@BlueOrange, I appreciate your honesty. It will never cease to amaze me, the things we use to keep us alive. Even wishing harm, death or Adrenalin. We have created our safety measure, our safe places. No one else would even understand your comment (except your friends:tup:) unless they had similar experiences. On so many levels it sucks that we are here.. and on the up side. Thank.....(fill in the blank) we are and have each other. Thank you for sharing so honestly...rough :hug:'s if you accept....:)

 

[BlueOrange]

A rough hug! That's an awesome idea!