Dissociation Only Around 1 Person

[anonymous0806]

The only person I fully dissociate around is my spouse. Sometimes I'll do it around other people, but never become enraged. Normally I can "check" my dissociation on and off like a lightswitch when I'm around people other than my spouse and my therapist. I'm so sick of my spouse getting the brunt of all of my PTSD symptoms. It's not fair to them and to our relationship. To everyone else, I appear to be an awkward (but fairly okay functioning) human being.

....I don't know what to do. I don't want to continue this pattern of dissociating, becoming physically violent and assaulting my spouse and then going from being enraged to suicidal.

I've been working on increasing my self care and self compassion....but I'm terrified it's not enough.

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi Anonymous, welcome to the forum.

Are you working with a therapist? My understanding is that a therapist can work with you to lessen dissociative episodes (so far mine hasn't, really, but we'll see).

I assume when you say dissociate in this context you are talking about a full-on, well, what I call "going wax statue." Am I right? Or are you talking about blanking out a lot for short periods (seconds or a minute or two)?

If you're talking about the former, I've had this experience too. At the time I was ill enough that I eventually dissociated a few times in public, but most of my dissociation happened while either alone or with my very trusted long-term boyfriend.

I would theorize this happens because you feel safe with your spouse, which is a wonderful thing, but I can see what you mean when you say it's unfair, especially if you're having flashbacks or lashing out afterward.

Do you know of something your spouse can do to safely bring you out of a flashback? I need my hands squeezed until it feels like they're going to break to get through the numbness and back to reality. Talking can help but can sometimes badly aggravate the situation or be useless.

Does your spouse know what it looks like when you start to dissociate? Do you know what it feels like, or is it completely sudden? You might be able to develop strategies to squash it before it becomes so all-encompassing, which has helped me. I know if I stay still and feel the numbness begin to wash over me, moving, even just my eyes around the room, can often bring me out of it before it's too late.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

Have you tried talking to your wife about it?

 

[anonymous0806]

Hi Anonymous, welcome to the forum.

Are you working with a therapist? My understanding is that a th...

Thanks for the welcome to the forum. I am working with a therapist. It's not so much a "wax statue" as it is a full-on rage and physical assault of my spouse. Dissociation lasts anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes. My spouse does know what it looks like when I start to dissociate and we are working on strategies to help bring me back to reality before I am fully "gone". We've been doing a "5 senses" exercise my therapist recommended. Feeling anger or strong emotions tends to send me into dissocation. I've been trying to figure out how to get a bit of distance from my emotions and thoughts (through mindfulness). We'll see if it pays off, I guess....

Just feeling hopeless and like I'm a shitty spouse.

Thanks for listening & responding.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think self care and self compassion is necessarily enough to correct this behavior. I believe therapy is a must when our behavior is out of control.

It's very common for the brunt of our symptoms to be experienced by those we're closest to. (I don't really see any logical scenarios of PTSD where one is sweet as pie to all of their loved ones while being wretched toward strangers.)

 

[ladee]

Mine is brought on by feeling attacked verbally. I will start to feel the rage coming up, and then..... nothing. A black out. I will not remember anything. The last one lasted about an hour. They leave me exhausted. I live alone, so was able to work it out over time... I was in a public place when it started.I remember nothing, not how I got home or what may have happened in the restaurant.... so I feel for you , especially if you are beating yourself up for taking it out on your spouse. I don't get physical, but think the black out saves me from that... I remember thinking of what I was going to do to the person who set me off, then nothing....who knows. Maybe it is different for everyone. I do know for me it is a coping skill... not a good one, but my mind and body does what it has to to protect me.

 

[7Cs]

Do you dissociate into a full blown memory flashback or is it like there is an unknown trigger and suddenly you're out of control like an emotional flashback? Before my dx I was mis dx'd with a mood disorder nos.... similar to rapid cycling bipolar. It was very scary and I hated (hate to this day) the verbal abuse and out of control behavior my daughter and husband had to deal with. It broke my heart. Turns out it was PTSD... I would categorize it as complex.

That was a good 10 years ago. I want to let you know that the out of control feelings and behaviors can get better. It's been a lot of hard work on my part and patience / understanding on his. Tons of therapy learning how to cope with daily stressors, how to ground myself, trying to identify triggers, etc. Not to mention medication.

But things are so much better now.

I've just recently started the actual trauma work in therapy. I think that before trying to work through trauma one needs to be as stabilized as possible with as many coping and grounding techniques as possible. It's still very hard and I am finding myself dissociating by stepping away mentally and becoming detatched from reality but so far none of the really bad out of control responses have not happened.