25 Years Of Abuse From Mom

[EveHarrington]

Given her level of mental abuse I can't help but feel that seeing her once a week is too much. She may be "behaving" but it's about so much more than her behaving when you see her. Have you gone for extended periods with no contact?

 

[Hooper]

You seem like a good mother, there is never any reason to blame your child for your sadness or problems. I just hope in the late future when I am a mom myself, I don't follow in my mother's footsteps, as I see firsthand myself how damaging it is to a child. It's gotten to the point that I worry I'll never recover or heal from this.

I wouldn't burden myself with worrying about following in your Mom's footsteps. I pretty much cut my Mom out of my life. It was pretty easy since she doesn't leave the house. All I had to do was put her on caller block. What got me to this point was in large part being a father. I came to the conclusion if I treated my children like my Mom treated me out of my love for them I would want them to cut me out of their life so that is pretty much what I did. I do not think we are doomed to raise our kids like we were raised. I learned how to parent in a lot of ways by learning what not to do. I've tried to understand where she is coming from and like your mom mine has alcohol and depression issues. Nothing is ever her fault and at 47 I'm still blamed for choosing to live with my Dad over her when they were divorced even though I made that decision at 9-10. As a parent if I failed in my marriage I would never hold it against my child which direction they chose to go for their well being. Becoming a parent was such a turning point. My worst fears went from things happening to me to something happening to my child. The same goes for dreams. I actually didn't read your whole post because it was so familiar but I will. Do what you need to do for yourself. I like your boyfriend. He sounds like a keeper. No pressure but who you pick to spend the rest of your life with is the most important decision you have to make. Get that right and a lot of other things fall into place. I hope things work out for you. At this point you're on your own and can right your own ticket. Have fun with it and do what you have to do. Best of luck to you.

 

[Hooper]

I've now read you're whole post and I'd say you had it much worse than I did but I stand by my statements above. Your boyfriend is correct that many others have it much worse than you did. I never experienced physical abuse. Just mental and it was very steady. I would describe my Mom's life as a circle of friends and family she over the years constricted out of her life. She's down to my 2 brothers and whomever she pays to help her since she is ill. All the others have left and I don't give 1 of my brothers much more time. I've actually thought of contacting her again to let her know it is best for me and my well being to not stay in touch. I feel like I might owe her that but it would just put my brothers in a bad position so I have not formally announced my withdrawal from her life. For many years when she calls it is probably a 60% chance that the conversation is going to go to crap. If I had russian roulette odds of 1 out of 6 I may not have put her on call block. In my last conversation she threatened me with a law suit so I just called it a day. Again a totally different dynamic than what you have but still similar in so many ways. Nothing is ever her fault. It's always someone else's fault that has brought her where she is today. There is far more hope for you than her though. I don't see her situation improving because I've lived in a similar one to yours with the difference being many more years under my belt. As odd as it sounds I don't regret the way my life has played out. It has made me who I am. I like who I am. I like what I see in you even though I don't know you from Adam. You have much more to work with than your Mom which is true of me as well. I don't know if I will ever recover or heal from the way I was raised. I can only imagine what life would have been like if I had a mother that was a fraction of the mother my children have and I have the great pleasure to have as my wife. My children are loved in ways I never was and that is not just ok. It is fantastic. I'd rather me go through what I did than my kids. I don't know what else to say except it is ok to look after yourself. It is not selfish and not worth beating yourself up over. Your mother is completely selfish as well as mentally ill. Don't let her get in between what is good for you and your boyfriend. All the best to you.

 

[imstillalive]

@imstillalive - we have forums specifically dedicated to keeping a trauma diary....

I'll definitely try that out! Thank you.

 

[imstillalive]

You should look up Peter walker and complex PTSD.
I'd go no contact, and worry about forgiveness after this.[...

Yes I really want to do that. But many times I just chicken out because I'm that afraid of the consequences. Which equals to her just yelling, disowning me for couple days. My boyfriend just tells me, let her do that then, shut off your phone wait, she needs ti learn her lesson etc..

 

[imstillalive]

I've now read you're whole post and I'd say you had it much worse than I did but I stand by my statement...

It feels like constant hell, I just visited her yesterday. There was some good but some bad. I'm too involved in her life, like everyone says. I hear she's getting picked on by some men that are her neighbors, younger kids 25ish, my age. She responds by flipping them off or glaring at them. Instantly I felt a rush of fear, fear what they would do to her eventually, mess with her car, etc. I act like I still live with her when I only see her once a week. I guess it doesn't help that I "have to" call (report) to her twice a day. We live a couple states away and I still drive up to visit her, doing a all day trip and even though I do that, ever once in a while she calls me crying hysterically, it isn't enough and how I don't care about her. It makes me feel so responsible with guilt, I can't help it, I go into complete panic mode. It's gotten to the point now if she does leave me voicemail, my boyfriend has to listen to them and then filter the messages to me. I am that afraid... I know she won't physically abuse me anymore, but hearing those loud noises, makes me revert back to my childhood self. May I ask, if you ever went to therapy for this and if it helped or not? Many times have I fantasized about blocking her calls...I'm currently home at my own place and still I'm worried about how "mom's call" is going to be today, happy, good, bad, so-so. It's neurotic and I'm constantly over analyzing I know. My therapist keeps telling me to live in the now, live in moment. Appreciate what you have, don't worry about the future, those logical things. Those things I do understand, it's how to actually make my brain actually do that. I've tried and it only lasts maybe a little short while, 30 min - 1 hour. Then I am back to thinking about what she might be up to, if she's okay etc. My mother is also ill, for a decade she has been taking grand mal seizure medication, anti depressants and I think something that has to do with schizophrenia. It's helps some, but sometimes none at all as she only takes half the dosage prescribed due to fear of having the medicine build up too much in her body. It sounds wonderful that you are taking such good care of your kids. Sometimes I like to think of this as a big life lesson, yeah so she beat you and did this and that, but now you know what not to do right. Not saying I would've ever beaten my kids, I think I'm just more self aware and a lot more sensitive to the issue now. If I do have kids in the future, I hope to give them the world. Thank you for your replies Hooper. :) I never thought there was this much people going through a lot of similar situations and still life goes on. I guess it really comes down to your own perspective and attitude when facing these kind of challenges.

 

[imstillalive]

Given her level of mental abuse I can't help but feel that seeing her once a week is too much. Sh...

Seeing her once a week is definitely TOO MUCH...i just saw her yesterday and it was a mixture of good and some bad. Basically the entire time I'm with her I'm taking her to places, window shop, groceries, pretend to do the mom and daughter hang out day. Even so, the entire day basically, I have a upset stomach, feels like I'm having a heart attack from all this panicking my boyfriend usually needs to pull me aside and tell me to deep breaths, it'll be okay, she won't hurt you, she'll be fine etc. I have never gone through extended periods with no contact..haha..last year I went on a cruise and still needed to call her, morning once, night time once. My boyfriend wasn't particularly thrilled about it and it racked up our phone bill, $1.99 a minute and each time we talked from 8 minutes to 40 minutes or a bit more -_-... We then went to Japan and Thailand and I still did the same thing, it was overseas but a lot cheaper because we figured out a way to call her using wifi. And even on those vacations I couldn't tell her I was on vacation, she thought I was studying abroad for a couple weeks. Ever since I moved out of her place and into my boyfriend's, I have been calling her twice a day (morning and night) and see her for a entire day on the weekend. I'm 25 now and I moved out when I was 19 years old. Sigh...I even manage to drive back in bad snow storms, it's gotten to the point that I'm always scared of her calling me during the day and night. I think it's the fear she might not be okay, mad, drunk, sad, etc. I spend pretty much all day panicking every once in a while.

 

[imstillalive]

You should look up Peter walker and complex PTSD.
I'd go no contact, and worry about forgiveness after this.[...

I'll definitely check him out, thank you.

 

[Hooper]

May I ask, if you ever went to therapy for this and if it helped or not?

You can ask me anything for starters. I didn't go to therapy for this but it is where my therapy landed. It has definitely helped. In real life I'm not one to spill out my problems to anyone who will listen. I'm a very private person. You wouldn't know that from my posts here because with anonymity it is easy for the truth to come out. There is nothing to gain from lying here. It's not that I'm lying in real life so much as there are a lot of large omissions. Again I don't know you but you remind me of my youngest brother. He would never take my approach of ceasing all communication because he sees my Mom as ill and finds the situation sad whereas I get angry. I would still highly recommend cutting off communication. If I had taken on parenthood sooner I think I would have gotten to the point I am sooner as far as cutting her out of my life. It's been just over a year and Christmas as well as her birthday were tough. I've thought a lot about what I would say to her if I chose to speak to her again. I feel like our relationship yielded a poisonous fruit that is not good for anyone. I see us as a hopeless cause. She likes to play games and I don't. She likes to control the conversation and will never admit fault or the truth if it is inconvenient. I write better than I speak because I'm not interrupted and I have time to put my thoughts in some semblance of order although it may be hard to see at times. If you're not willing to cut her out I would recommend changing the format to written communication. In one of our last conversations I did tell her she needed to think a little harder about our situation. We are both parents and we are both the children of parents. As a parent there is nothing my children can do that would make me not love them. As a child of a parent there are things a parent can do that will make their child never want to speak with them again. It's not like she wasn't warned. She just didn't take me seriously. I do not need the love of my mother or her approval to have a full life. In fact I have come to the conclusion I need the absence of her from my life to have a full life. She is sick (mentally and physically) and I don't see her changing. She has probably less than 3 years but my life is terminal as well. I think yours is in a similar boat. You won't know for sure until you change the rules on her. Let her know you need this. As a parent she should understand this. If she doesn't she will just have to deal with it. Having said that go with the people's opinion you value most. You're boyfriend or therapist have a much better overall picture of how to deal with your situation than me. My overall impression is there is a lot of hope for you and little to none for your Mom. Put your energy where it is not wasted and again best of luck to you.

 

[EveHarrington]

Somehow I didn't read your first post. I change my stance------I'm advocating going no contact.

Boundaries won't work IMHO with someone who is that far gone. There will be no "normal relationship" (or anything even close) with this woman. I think the best step you can take is starting to mourn the mother you never had.

And I hate to say this, but this sort of situation has the potential to ruin your relationship with a partner. Many people have little tolerance for people who can't cut the apron strings. I'd hate to see you lose out on a relationship because of your egg donor.

 

[imstillalive]

You can ask me anything for starters. I didn't go to therapy for this but it is where my therapy landed...

I am also a very private person, I never thought I would have to open up to a therapist about my life. I never thought anyone would be able to help me because therapy didn't make sense at the time. I pushed away some
Mostly everything you say, sounds exactly like my boyfriend. He also has tried to persuade me to cut off all communication as well and he says, get angry at her instead of being sad and afraid. My mother is incredibly manipulative, LOVES playing games, controls the conversation/people, and loves to BLAME. She's so picky on random stuff she always has to make it exactly her way, even if it isn't the correct way or even if it goes against anyone else's opinions. The strange thing about her is that she is so friendly to her friends and other people because she's such a social butterfly, you would never be able to tell she is actually the exact opposite. I definitely know I would have a better life without her. It's letting go completely that's the hard part for me. I know it's probably awful to say or think, but on many of my rough times I keep hoping for her to just die or get in a fatal accident to just leave me alone. It's not realistic of course, it's more of how I should internalize it and accept the fact that it's okay if she's upset. She's also healthy and just 57 years old, so it's no point to wish for her to die.

My boyfriend keeps telling me, "who cares if she's upset? She has her own life, we are two separate beings, and her emotions should not affect me. She has made her own choice and now has to live with the consequences, just because someone blames you about something it doesn't make it true." He literally has to tell me this every single day, especially when he's at work and I'm at home constantly worrying. I understand the words and I hear it constantly but it's so hard to wire myself to think/feel or even act upon it. The hardest part is telling her what I want, my needs, because everything is always about her. She always puts herself ahead of me, because she thinks my life is so great now because I don't live in her bad neighborhood and my boyfriend takes care of me. She constantly guilt trips me about how lonely she is, and that I don't care for her. My worry is that eventually when I do buy a house, she wants to move in with us, because she expects us to be a "family again." But you're right, eventually I need to just tell her off...I just don't know how to bring myself to get to the point yet.

 

[imstillalive]

Somehow I didn't read your first post. I change my stance------I'm advocating going no contact....

Yes you're right there is no "normal relationship" with her. Every time I call her or see her, my boyfriend and I actually plan activities of what we're doing during the entire 8-10 hours we'll be up there. We make it so we're constantly doing "fun family stuff." Like shopping with mom, making food with mom, exercise, etc. Everything I do and tell her is sham maybe because of the habit that we've been doing this together for the past 8 or 9 years? I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm so afraid of her and worry how she will react. It's not normal at all, getting together with family means, not having to constantly feel pressured to need to entertain another person. I actually think of lies and stories to tell her during our phone calls because if I don't it's sometimes a really awkward silence and she gets sort of upset that I don't have things to tell her. I mean, how much can happen throughout one day, especially when I report back to her twice daily. (><) I wish she would just chill out, hang out at her place, enjoy each other's company without feeling we need to do all this stuff to make her happy because she can't do it on her own when she's alone.

I've worried many many times that my boyfriend will one day leave because I spent too much time not focusing on him. He's been doing this with me for 8 years now...He's a champ about it and I'm lucky that he hasn't left me yet. We do have intimacy problems, (all on my part of course). Of course, everyone has their boundaries and how much they can take, because we all have a certain point where we'll put our foot down. The question is when will he be fed up enough. Like many people tell me, sure your mom wants you to be happy but not too happy, because she doesn't feel fulfilled in her own life. Then it just turns to jealousy and anger and more hate towards me. Sooner or later I know I have to make the decision, either fully embrace who she is and don't let it bother me or completely cut her out of my life.