A new beginning

[Jade-]

I'm working on myself. I'm focusing on what I need and want out of life. I'm working on managing my PTSD. Working on my codependency. I'm trying to learn to live again.

My husband? My marriage? I do love him,I care about him and wish no harm on him at all. But I'm also working on figuring out where he ends and I begin,trying to untangle myself from the extremely complicated web I've been trapped in for so long. And trying to understand and work through my sense of obligation and the guilt I feel.

All I can do is love him from afar for now. IDK if we will divorce,I'm assuming we will but I can't let that be my focus right now.

I think it's good to take a step back,go separate ways and gain perspective. I don't think it's possible to do when you're living in the same house.

But yeah,that's my update. I'm just trying to do me right now.

 

[Jade-]

Yesterday I was around him.He made a phone call and I had to tell him how to hold the phone.I guess I didn't "have" to,I think I did it automatically,out of habit.

It really made me do some deep thinking afterwards,about all the little things I was helping him with that became so much of a habit that I didn't even really pay attention to them anymore.Many little, simple things that he forgets how to do on his bad days.Like answering the phone and reminding him to say something so the other person knows he has answered it.Correcting him when he gave an old address to a doctors office,or an old phone number.Asking him a million times to check his pocket when he's lost his phone or his wallet(after searching the house and being told a million times it's not in his pocket).

All the times I had to play opposite day,knowing when he says yes it means no,rearranging a sentence he said in my mind so that I can understand it or make sense of it.Or realizing he's thinking out loud in the middle of his thoughts again and him thinking he said it all out loud.Or the inappropriate and embarrassing things he said or did in public and him not understanding why they were inappropriate.

All the times I had to make excuses for his behavior and say "he's been having some health issues".Like when the bank called me,concerned over what he was saying and that "I can assure you he believed it was true in his mind,no matter how much I tried to tell him different ".

All the arguing.All the times I felt like such shit about myself for losing my temper with him and not having patience with him.

The times I've made him feel stupid and bad about himself because he didn't understand what was going on or being said.

I have resentment for everything. Even though he couldn't help having those health issues it felt like a betrayal.I know that sounds horrible but it is what it is.Denying my feelings doesn't make it not true.

I'm not really sure what I'm feeling right now other than sadness.

 

[Jade-]

^^^ It hurts me,it really does.

 

[HealingMama]

?

 

[Jade-]

I'm a complete,total mess,I really truly am.

Maybe life was easier,maybe even better, when I was still dissociative. I think life was more tolerable then.

With DID,when things got tough I got to check out and not deal with anything. Shit,most of the time I was unaware of all that was going on,all the bad stuff.

Now though,I have to face everything and I have to deal with everything. And I'm not good at it,not at all.

Life is too hard.

 

[HealingMama]

I'm a complete,total mess,I really truly am.

Maybe life was easier,maybe even better, when I was still dissociative. I think life was more tolerable then.

With DID,when things got tough I got to check out and not deal with anything. Shit,most of the time I was unaware of all that was going on,all the bad stuff.

Now though,I have to face everything and I have to deal with everything. And I'm not good at it,not at all.

Life is too hard.

Hugs ?

 

[Jade-]

It's almost 4 in the morning and I'm still awake.I gave up on trying to get to sleep and got up and made coffee.

I really don't think coming here is good for me at all.It's too hard and depressing reading about everyone's traumas and symptoms. And much of it is triggering for me too,especially all the CSA stuff. All it does is make me think about and dwell on my own past.

For the longest time I came here and posted in my private diary,the one that no other members can see or read.But then I ventured back out and started posting again and coming here often.I realize now that's when things started getting worse for me as far as my PTSD goes.

April 23rd will be 10 years since I became a member here.That's a long time. I believe it's time to move on again,just live my life the best I can and just pop in every now and then.

 

[HealingMama]

I appreciate the chance to meet you. Thank you for the advice and presence you have offered to me and I wish you the best on your journey of life.