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A new beginning

#61
Hey, I hope I'm not out of line here. I've flicked back through your diary to find out a bit more about the brain tumour, but I can't seem to find a reference to it. Is it a new thing?

Because, it's a pretty big thing. It's the kind of thing that must be traumatic for him, and traumatic for you as someone who cares about him.

It's totally okay to only talk about the things you want to talk about. This is an anonymous forum, and you get to withhold information about yourself and your situation - we all do - and that's entirely your call.

I hope that, as part of his treatment, he's still getting psychological support.

And for you? I absolutely agree that getting support for yourself again, IRL stuff, is an absolute must. Not just because of the stress associated with the brain tumour, but because what he said to you? Was retraumatising.

Was it the brain tumour talking? I can't possibly know. I do know that when people have a brain injury, their personality can change big time, and even though you know it's the injury talking when they say something hurtful, it still hurts.

I honestly think people were trying to be helpful in the type of support they offered - I certainly was. Suggesting you walk out (and I don't know now what you should do - the situation isn't one I know enough about), it was my attempt at trying to validate how hurt you must have felt by what he said.

I'm truly sorry it's not the kind of support you were after.

Having read back a couple of pages of your diary? I can see that things are pretty complicated for you guys. You left him a year ago, then he started getting help for his ptsd and substance abuse issues, and you not only got back together, but seemed to be in a really good place as recently as September.

This is a very sudden about-face from where things were for you guys a month ago. So, I hope you find a way through that works for you, that's safe (for both of you), and involves plenty of real life support, for both of you.

Be gentle with yourself:hug:(if that's okay)
 
Thread starter #62
I only talked about his health issues in my private diary here,one that no other members can see or read.It all felt too personal to talk about publicly and plus there's so much more to all of it that I simply didn't want to share.

I'm sure I've overreacted to the replies I got.I admit that.

And I do plan on getting back in therapy and getting help for myself.Whether this was from his PTSD,his health problems or him just being an asshole I still have to make some major decisions.It just doesn't have to be ASAP like I had said.It can be days,weeks or even months.
 
#63
I don't know if it's any consolation, I've seen it happen dozens of times, someone posts about an upsetting and potentially abusive thing their partner did and lots of people reply how awful it is and you must leave. And the original poster flees from the thread.


Kind of similar happened with me here too. So I can understand how upsetting it is. It was for me. Though I do think people mean well.

I think compassion for the person maybe doesn't come across or isn't much expressed? Instead you feel somewhat bombarded?
 
Thread starter #64
I don't know if it's any consolation, I've seen it happen dozens of times, someone posts about an upsetting and potentially abusive thing their partner did and lots of people reply how awful it is and you must leave. And the original poster flees from the thread.


Kind of similar happened with me here too. So I can understand how upsetting it is. It was for me. Though I do think people mean well.

I think compassion for the person maybe doesn't come across or isn't much expressed? Instead you feel somewhat bombarded?
I'm sorry something similar happened to you too.

It IS upsetting when it happens. And you're right,you feel bombarded by it.I sure did.
 
Thread starter #66
My husband and I have been married 30+ years and we also lived together before getting married. So maybe that fact makes a difference when people wonder why what he said to me wasn't a complete deal breaker and I'm not already out the door and divorcing him.I dont think it's something someone can really understand unless they've been in the same relationship for that long.

Reading through old posts here yesterday really makes me feel sad today.He really was very helpful with my PTSD and DID.He always was helpful with the DID,without me (or him) even realizing what it was or having a name or label for it for so many years.He wasn't really onboard with the PTSD at first when I was first diagnosed,mostly because he thought it was only something military people got and didn't know anything about it(but neither did I).

Things have really changed since his own PTSD and his health issues.Our whole marriage has changed really.

It's not something that I can just easily walk away from.Not when I've been with him so long that he feels like a part of me,like an arm or a leg.

I guess I did defend him in the other thread.But it really bothered me to read some of the things,especially the stuff about him sexually abusing me.He has never done that.There's been times I've talked about feeling abused during sex but that's been my iwn shit from childhood making me feel that way not him actually abusing me.

It's a really hard,heart wrenching thing for me to be together for so long and watch him turn into a completely different person. And it's hard to not feel obligation and pity especially when he was there with me and for me during all the treatment for DID. He's watched me change too,I was certain ways for so many years and then no longer meeting the criteria for the DID diagnosis.Everything has changed for both of us.

So it's not as simple as saying you know what,f*ck you,and walking out the door and not looking back.And that's exactly why I have to get professional help with all of this.It's way too much 'stuff' to sort out on an online forum.I think I even said somewhere in this diary that I'm not sure how helpful writing here will be since I'm not going to give details. I have been writing about some things trying to make it helpful but it hasn't really helped much tbh.His health issues aren't constant,he has good days and bad days.Some days are really rough,especially when he says or does something and has no memory of doing or saying it.Some days are good,real good.

What he said though,still feels like a knife wound.
 
#67
Nobody here is in your relationship but you.

You get to decide what you want to do about your relationship. I totally understand feeling loyal because your partner stuck by you while you healed from a bunch of terrible shit.

It is very overwhelming to have a pile on for a thread you have posted when you're dysregulated. Even if people are being supportive everything is overwhelming and raw and distorted and confusing. Or at least it's like that for me.

What he said was retraumatizing whether it was his medical issue behind it or not and I hope you'll get some extra support for that.
 
Thread starter #68
Nobody here is in your relationship but you.

You get to decide what you want to do about your relationship. I totally understand feeling loyal because your partner stuck by you while you healed from a bunch of terrible shit.

It is very overwhelming to have a pile on for a thread you have posted when you're dysregulated. Even if people are being supportive everything is overwhelming and raw and distorted and confusing. Or at least it's like that for me.

What he said was retraumatizing whether it was his medical issue behind it or not and I hope you'll get some extra support for that.
Oh,I know I get to decide what I do.Im not a person that's easily influenced or persuaded by others. At one time I was,but not anymore. That's precisely why I want to get professional help to work through what it is I really need and want to do and not do anything on a whim. I've done that already and it didn't help at all.

I don't feel so upset,anxious or pissed off today,which is good because now I can put the focus back on myself.I was extremely triggered by what my husband said and then triggered even more in the thread I started. I still have some pretty major anxiety going on but it's all starting to subside.

ETA: please,I do not want to discuss what I just said further.I am calming down from everything and really do not want to end up upset again.
 
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Thread starter #69
So,the soonest I can get back into therapy is the 22nd of this month.I wish it was sooner but I guess that will do,it's not that far away. I wanted to go like right now,today,but it's not possible unless there's a cancellation.

I'm gonna use this time while I wait to really,really do some deep soul searching. I think I'm gonna write out every single thought I have about where/how my life is right now,every thought I have about my husband,this marriage,what changes I want and need to make,whether I should stay or go,etc.and forward it all to my Therapist. That way he can catch up before my session and see where my heads at.I did that alot before,email,and it makes a big difference for me.

And even though I keep saying it's not really helpful to be posting here I keep doing it. But now it really is time to stay offline and in the real world.
 
Thread starter #70
I keep saying I'm gonna stay away from here and stay offline but here I am again.I was feeling pretty ok,I even went and got groceries but now I'm not feeling so great,I have an extreme amount of anxiety.

I was down on my hands and knees brushing some dog hair out of the carpet. I went to sit on the floor and I bumped my butt on the floor as I did It instantly made me start thinking about something that a therapist said to me years ago.I gave her details of an incident from childhood where I .told the person that was getting ready to abuse me "I don't want to do that but you can do what you did before" and that therapist said "oh so the other thing was ok?,or something similar,I don't remember her exact words.

For a long time I felt like since I had said that to the person who abused me I deserved what happened.Like I really was ok with it.Like it was my own fault.I felt ashamed of it.I think the anxiety I'm feeling right now is more because of what she said to me than what was actually done to me.

I dumped that therapist,I wasn't with her very long but long enough that I still think about it at times.There were so many things she said and did that really upset me.Some things were so unethical and I did report her before dumping her.

I know what she said wasn't true,I wasn't telling the person what they had done before was ok and that I was ok with it.I KNEW I was going to be abused anyway,there was no getting out of it so I just wanted the least painful thing to be done to me.

It worked.I personally think it was a smart thing for me to do.I also think it was a brave thing to do,I mean it could have really backfired on me and he could have said oh that's not what you want me to do,I will do it twice there now.

IDK why I'm writing about this really.I don't usually talk about the things I went through much anymore.I guess I'm hoping that by getting it out my anxiety will ease up.
 
Thread starter #71
It's been a week since I started that thread about my husband and ended up so upset. I understand why I got all the responses I got,what he said was extremely horrible and was mental abuse. Regardless of what he's got going on with his health it was still horrible and abusive.

Last week I really regretted starting that thread but now I'm glad I did. It really has me doing alot of thinking about everything. I've been asking myself so many different questions and really doing some deep soul searching.

When I had told my mom about all his health problems last year she told me it was my responsibility to take care of him.When I told her that I don't think I can deal with any of it without taking it personally,without getting mad or flipping out she said I just have to find a way to overlook all of it.She doesn't know I have PTSD( she wouldn't understand what it is or believe me anyway) so talking to her was a waste of time.My kids pretty much think that way too and just tell me to "go easy on him" and they do know I have PTSD.

Would it be like this if I didn't have PTSD?Would I be able to overlook everything and just be kind,caring and compassionate? Would I be able to deal with it in a completely different way?

Idk.I just don't f*cking know.But what I do know is I can't deal with any of it.And I'm really looking forward to my appointment to help put things into perspective and get some guidance.

I was embarrassed that I got so pissed off and upset that I changed my name to Done.Now though,I kinda like having a different name. Every time I've changed my name here I've kept jade in it,until now.I might just leave it as it is next month when I can change it again or I might come up with something completely different. Idk.
 
Thread starter #72
I think maybe the best thing for me to do is to stay somewhere else for awhile.I just can't and don't want to be here.I need time away,I need to get some help and support IRL and it's too difficult to do that and be here.I can't let my guilt and sense of obligation interfere with any decisions I make.

I HAVE to focus on myself.So that's what I'm going to do,stay elsewhere.

Therapy is just a week away.That feels like a lifetime right now though.
 
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