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A new beginning

It's been quite a few years since I have posted publicly on this site.I have been coming here at times but just to post in my private diary.Things have been rough lately and I am highly symptomatic,so I decided it's time to become active again.

I left my husband recently.I won't go into all the reasons why except to say he also has PTSD but refuses to seek treatment.Since leaving I have been caught between the past,my childhood,and the present.I try to focus on the here and now but my mind keeps wandering back.

Even though I am the one who left him,at times I feel like an abandoned,abused child,and so hopeless and helpless.

I left my husband 2 years ago. I kept wishing it could be different, that he'd try, or that he loved me.......wasn't going to change the truth.....and abandonment.....yep, he left the marriage but so did I, abandonment issues from long ago-they resonated, lost my father and the rest of my family the same time.......but today, I'm feeling much better than 2 years ago. I guess I'm saying, it will improve.
Thanks TruthSeeker. I'm glad to hear you're feeling much better.

My husband and I are trying to work things out,we're back together now. I do believe our marriage is worth saving,it's just that we have so many issues to work through.And both of us having PTSD makes it feel impossible to at times.
I'm trying to understand what being assertive means and putting it into practice.Im either a raging bitch or a meek mouse with no in between.
I was talking to someone about considering applying for disability. They said "you will get it,you have alot wrong with you". I said "I have PTSD" and the conversation then turned into this person telling me their daughter has it too because she worries and stresses over her kids and dogs.

The conversation quickly ended.Seriously, WTF is wrong with some people?
I wasn't going to talk about this here because I feel really stupid for it.But I'm thinking that maybe by writing it out I can understand my thought process and motives.

I saw one of my abusers a couple of days ago at a garage sale.I didn't say anything but I couldn't help looking.It really bothered me because this person didn't look well at all.I watched them walk to their car and noticed limping as they were walking.

I've been tempted to contact them.I even considered contacting one of their family members to get the phone number after I didn't find it by doing a Google search.

I hate that I feel concerned about their health after all the sexual abuse done to me as a little girl. I hate that I feel guilty for not having contact with them for so many years.

I hate that they're obviously not in good health and I don't wish any harm on them and hope they'll be ok.

IDK why I have this deep urge to make contact.I am fighting it though,my god that's the last thing I need or want in my life on top of everything else I have going on.
I feel angry right now.

I'm a grown ass woman yet I have no clue how to navigate relationships of any kind.I don't know how to have friends, I don't know how to be a friend and I certainly know absolutely nothing about marriage even though I've been in one for many years.
Once upon a time there was a married couple that lived a pretty decent life and had a fairly good marriage. They had got together when she was just barely 18,he saved her from the house of horrors she had grown up in.He was her everything, he was her comfort,her rock and he pretty much took care of her.

They had some problems,arguments here and there but their love was so strong and they had such a deep bond that nothing could tear them apart. They plowed through any and all obstacles that came their way.

He knew she had "issues" when they first got together, it was pretty obvious to him but he loved and adored her anyway and did everything in his power to help her,to make her feel safe and loved. He knew her so well he jumped to meet her needs when she wasn't even aware of what she needed.

One day though,something happened at his place of work,something so horrible that when she heard about it she left her own job early to be with him and comfort him.But he didn't need or want comfort, instead he was acting as if nothing had happened at all.People were surprised at how "well" he had taken all of it and how " good" he was doing. But being his wife I knew different,I knew it had shaken him off his foundation.I knew the way he was acting wasn't a good thing. It was as if he had blocked the whole event out in his mind and even though he never talked about it I could SEE it in the way he looked and the way he acted.

As time went by other people started noticing too. He just wasn't the same anymore.He didn't act the same,didn't talk the same and it kept getting worse.The man I was married to was no longer the husband I had for so many years.

He stayed at that place of work,I knew just him going there every day was too much.He stayed right where the event happened and wouldn't go on a different job in there,wouldn't go on a different shift and eventually ended up getting fired(I wasn't even mad about it though,I wanted him out of there and I was relieved)

He was diagnosed with PTSD,which I suspected and expected.

PTSD took away my loving husband and it's been SO hard since then.And now with all his health problems on top of it it's even harder.

I love him.I really do.But I miss who he used to be.
I keep thinking about the "what do your flashbacks look like to others" thread. And I've been doing alot of reading about flashbacks here and online.

I really don't think I have them anymore,I think what I have are intrusive memories because I always know the difference in then and now.I don't feel like things are happening in the present.Even when I feel and taste a tongue in my mouth or feel hands groping my boobs,although it feels real I know it's not happening now and that I've been triggered by something.

From what I've been reading,what defines a flasback is reliving trauma,feeling like it is happening now and losing touch with the here and now during one.I used to experience that but I haven't in quite awhile.

I notice many people here call being symptomatic "flashbacks".They call getting triggered by something and reacting with symptoms a flashback.I don't though.When I first read that thread it made me feel depressed thinking wow,I am not doing well if I am having flashbacks so often but after reading about them I don't believe that I do have them.

Sure,I get triggered, I have PTSD symptoms and struggle.But thank God I don't have flashbacks where I feel like it's all happening again and I believe it's back then and not the present.

Even the 3 days of terror I talked about in that thread,my therapist had said it was a flashback.Hes a psychologist with over 30 years of experience so I will trust what he has said and says.

Detachment is experiencing our feelings without allowing them to control us.We step back and look at things objectively. We let go and accept what we cannot change. We detach from others' choices, knowing that their spiritual work is not ours to do. We choose how we will act rather than just reacting. We step away from harmful cravings. Detachment is a deep breath of peace and patience in response to unexpected anger. We can listen without losing ourselves. With detachment, we see our mistakes honestly,make amends and start afresh. Detachment allows us to be in the world but not of it. It leads us to live our lives with grace.
Hubby and I have still been getting along pretty good.We do have little spats here and there but they're not lasting very long.That's because I have been trying my hardest to just let things go. There's really no need to rant and rage over all the petty little things.There's no need to over the big things either.

I'm finding that when I'm not bitching about everything and demanding things from him he actually tries really hard to please me.I don't know when or why I started being so unkind to him and telling him all the things he does wrong and demanding he does everything different or else.I don't know why I ever thought treating him that way and trying to force him to be different would help our marriage or save it.It has only made everything 100 times worse.

Things are much,much better when I just let him be who he is. Better when I treat him in a loving and kind way and do my best to control my temper. Like yesterday, he said something I didn't like and I didn't respond at all and he immediately apologized and said "I'm so sorry,I didn't mean to disrespect you in any way". I accepted his apology,thanked him for apologizing and let it go. Before,I never would have let what he said slide by,I would have been yelling and bitching for hours .

I've been kind.Ive been appreciative.Ive been complimenting him,thanking him for things he does.Ive been talking to him about things he's interested in like history,science, etc.Ive been affectionate,telling him I love him,touching his arm sometimes as I am talking. I've been cooking some of his favorite foods,etc.

And what's shocking is he has been kind in return.Hes been treating me how I want and expect to be treated. He's even been washing the dishes after dinner and helping around the house.

He seems very interested in me and seems eager to please me,I don't mean just sex but in every way.

I hope it lasts.I hope I can keep up what I've been doing so that it will. Cause if I'm truly honest,why would he be good to me if I'm not good to him? Why would he want to try to please me if all I do is bitch at him,tell him everything he does wrong,put down everything he says or does?

I was thinking about a book I bought a few years ago.It says men just want to feel respected, feel needed and I can't remember the 3rd thing right now. The respect thing sticks out in my mind most because in order to be respected a person has to give respect. How can I expect him to treat me well,respect me and want to try to make me happy if I'm not doing the same in return?

It sounds so simplistic but it's hard to do really.I think after this many years of marriage I was taking him for granted. I was treating him more like my property or a child instead of a man. I was bitching all the time and demanding he do everything MY way. And there was hell to pay if he didn't.

Yesterday he made a pretty big financial decision AFTER he talked it over with me FIRST. That's always been one of our big fights,him making big decisions without even consulting me.It never ever went well when be did and would really push my buttons. I wasn't too thrilled about what he's buying,there's other things that we need,its a luxury not a necessity, but I still said it was fine.I so appreciated him running it by me first and I just felt like he deserved it after that. Including me in big decisions should be a no brainer and something he should automatically do anyway,I always include him.But,this way was better than fighting and hopefully by reacting differently he will keep including me.

It feels so much better without the power struggle that was going on before. Like even with him washing dishes,I used to bitch that he never helped,that I worked my ass off here at home while he did nothing. I would demand he helped me and we would argue about it.And now he's doing them because he wants to and even tells me he wants to help me out because I do so much.

You can catch more flies with honey really is a true saying.A little kindness goes a long way.
We tried to have sex but I was triggered and we weren't able to.I did bitch at him and told him he needs to be more gentle so I don't feel like I'm being molested or assaulted.

I also apologized a few minutes later and told him it wasn't his fault,it was my problem not his.He in return apologized and said he would be more cautious and careful.

Lol,we're both apologizing all the time it seems.

That's progress though, he didn't take it as rejection when I was triggered and I didn't hold onto to feeling violated.
It's almost 5 in the morning and I'm still awake.I am pissed off and I can't stop thinking thinking f*cking thinking.

FML. For real,just FML