A new beginning

[Jade-]

I was cleaning out a desk last night and the court documents from when my Dad went to prison when I was little were in there.So that's where my thoughts are at right now.

The mind is such an amazing thing. It's so mindblowing that I always knew what had happened,knew that he went to prison,knew details about it.Except that I was there and a participant .Then randomly,one day out of the blue I realized it and remembered it.

But it wasn't until I got and read the documents a few years after I realized I was there that I actually absorbed it.That's when I remembered the real details of what happened and had flashbacks and very vivid memories. I felt everything that I felt back then,all the fear,all the pain,all the different emotions that I had kept hidden from myself.

What's even more mindblowing is there was a specific day each week that I really had a hard time with and never knew why.On that day I always had so much fear and anxiety and really struggled. It was shocking to find out that was the day this event happened. I never knew what day it happened but apparently I did.

That day was the initial cause of my PTSD. It forever changed me.That was when the first alter was created.And that was just the beginning of many,many horrible things that were to come.

I kinda wish I hadn't found the documents,I didn't expect to find them,I had forgot I put them in the desk. I was just trying to stay busy until I went to bed hoping it might make me sleep better. My therapist told me quite a few years ago the best way to deal with any troubling emotions,whether anger,sadness,etc is to get busy doing something.

I got some news yesterday that I wasn't too happy about. I stuck my nose where it didn't belong and created some chaos and drama.I thought I was doing the right thing and being helpful.I made a decision for someone else that really backfired on me and the person yelled at me,cussed at me,called me names and really hurt my feelings and pissed me off. I took it out on my husband and lashed out at him for awhile. While cleaning out drawers and thinking about the situation I realized it wasn't any of my business at all and I should have stayed out of it.And thought about how I will handle it the next time I see or talk to the person,that I need to apologize.

Staying busy really did help.But I wish now that I had chosen to do something different instead of cleaning drawers.I should have started drawing or reading a book.

 

[Freida]

Sometimes, well actually almost all the time, I feel like I don't belong on this forum,like I just don't fit in.

I feel like I don't really know how to join in on discussions,that everything I say is really stupid.I have so much I want to say but I hold back.

I guess I'm the same in real life too

You do belong here, just like the rest of us. It might take you a bit to join in, but I highly doubt anyone will tell you that you are stupid. We all bring different thing to the table, so the idea or thought that you think is stupid might be exactly what someone else needs to hear.
:hug:

 

[Jade-]

You do belong here, just like the rest of us. It might take you a bit to join in, but I highly doubt anyone will tell you that you are stupid. We all bring different thing to the table, so the idea or thought that you think is stupid might be exactly what someone else needs to hear.
:hug:

I've been a member here since April, 2010.I was pretty active for a few years but then kinda backed away. I had been mostly just posting in my private diary here that nobody can see for quite awhile but have started venturing out and trying to become active again.

It just feels so hard and awkward for me to do now. It's like I have lost my ability to interact with others or something. I think most of it is because I have posted in private for so long. Idk

But thanks for your kind words.

 

[Jade-]

Hubby and I have been getting along and I know it's because I've been smoking weed every day.It makes all the little, aggravating things that I usually argue over not matter.

I laughed so hard a few nights ago my stomach and cheeks were sore.It was great to laugh,its been a long time since I have.

We can also talk about things,our marriage and all our problems when we smoke together. There's no highly charged emotions going on. We have been having intense conversations and looking for solutions rather than arguing.The weed just makes us both so relaxed,open,insightful and I think maybe that's how we need to handle our issues,by sitting down,smoking together and talking

There was something I was so pissed off about but then after smoking I realized how ridiculous it was and admitted I overreacted.

Weed is my "medicine" and it does work and help.

 

[Jade-]

I can feel myself heading towards a downward spiral.I am feeling depressed and like a worthless piece of shit today. For no particular reason.

I gotta fight all these negative thoughts and feelings. I know that if I let myself dive into them I will end up drowning.

 

[Jade-]

I can feel myself heading towards a downward spiral.I am feeling depressed and like a worthless piece of shit today. For no particular reason.

I gotta fight all these negative thoughts and feelings. I know that if I let myself dive into them I will end up drowning.

I guess there is a reason afterall that I just realized. I watched the very first episode of Sons Of Anarchy with hubby last night.He was trying to find a series that we could watch together and asked me to watch the first episode to see if it was something I might like.It was interesting but violent.

Apparently too violent and triggering for me.Im not going to watch anymore episodes.

ETA: I also remember having bad dreams last night.So yeah,pretty sure it's from watching that show.

 

[Jade-]

“The truth about our intimate relationships is that they can never be any better than our relationship with ourselves. How we are related to ourselves determines not only the choice of the Other but the quality of the relationship. In fact, every intimate relationship tacitly reveals who we were when we commenced it. All relationships, therefore, are symptomatic of the state of our inner life, and no relationship can be any better than our relationship to our own unconscious." - James Hollis

 

[Jade-]

What I put in bold above has really stuck out in my mind.I have really been in deep thought since I first read it today.

It says so much.It makes so much sense.

 

[Jade-]

Yesterday I asked hubby why he enjoys taking care of me when I'm sick.I told him he doesn't care if I'm puking or whatever, he's always right there beside me,helping me.He said he likes it because I need him,that I don't act like I need him at all any other time.That he doesn't feel needed.

It actually made me feel bad for him. I bet he really doesn't feel needed by me at all anymore. I bet he doesn't even feel wanted most of the time.

 

[Jade-]

I'm a complete bitch to my hubby sometimes,I admit that.And he is a complete dick at times too. But there really is alot of love between us that's often overridden by our PTSD,by all the stress and other issues we have in our lives.

Despite everything, I do believe our marriage is worth saving.

 

[Jade-]

I'm not doing too great today.Im trying my best to contain my emotions and symptoms though.

The weather is dark and dreary and it feels like a Fall day.That has triggered some old crap that happened in childhood.

I'm gonna ride these feelings out and hopefully they will subside soon.

 

[Jade-]

Hubby and I had the most ridiculous argument ever yesterday. As I said above,I wasn't doing too great Sunday and then he woke me up early yesterday morning out of a deep,sound sleep,wanting to have sex. Of course I obliged,which was a bad idea.I got upset before we even got started and got mad at him and got out of bed and walked away.

I didn't realize I was triggered at the time.I was bitching at him afterwards telling him he's abusive,he made me feel like a piece of shit,like I don't matter and he made me feel violated and used and like I'm so f*cking disgusting. That IS how it felt at the time,like he was abusing me,violating me.

That's not the reality of the situation though. He wasn't abusive or trying to violate me.I had been triggered by the Fall-like weather Sunday and I shouldn't have even attempted sex with him,he did nothing wrong.

And it took me until just a little bit ago to realize this.After being so pissed off at him all day today even,telling him I don't want to be with him anymore because of the way he treats me.

It was ME. This fight was MY fault for sure.

And that realization makes me feel so much better and now I need to apologize.