A new beginning

[Jade-]

It would be unfair to complain about my husband and blame everything on him.We BOTH need to work on ourselves.

With both of us having PTSD it's so hard at times.I think I need to be a little more kind and compassionate instead of a raging bitch.

I just need to focus on myself and leave his PTSD up to him.Who am I to tell him how to manage his when I can't even manage my own?

After re-reading the ridiculous argument we had,I admit I am the one who over-reacted.I am the one who perceived what he said as scolding me like a child.We have since talked about and he assured me that wasn't his intention.

I hate reacting in that way.Its time to dig through my tool box and start using some of the ones at the bottom I haven't used in awhile,the most basic ones like taking deep breaths,going for a walk,etc.

 

[Jade-]

So,both hubby and I are going to seek out help separately.He's gonna work on himself and I'm gonna work on my issues.
That's probably the best thing we can do right now.We both need to get our PTSD under control.I think that's actually better than going to marriage counseling right now.

It's weird that we both have PTSD yet our triggers and symptoms are so different. You would think at least some would be similar but they're not really.His 'go to' thing when triggered is to completely shut down,isolate and get extremely depressed.His depression is so thick and heavy it feels like it sucks the life out of me.He becomes snappy and everything I say to him gets shot down with some kind of negativity.He sees no good in life,and he hates me I feel.

When I'm triggered I become like a cracked out squirrel,walking faster than usual,looking all around me searching for danger.Everyone feels like a threat to my safety,including him.No,especially him.His manliness repulses me.His smell,his low voice,even the way he says my name all make me hate him.And afraid of him.He will tell me "I'm not your dad",logically I know that but my brain can't comprehend it and screams danger!And did I already say I hate him when I'm like that? I do,I really honestly do.And then when it all passes I love him again and feel like an asshole for the way I have treated him.

 

[Jade-]

I swear,sometimes it's like arguing with him( hubby) is a release,almost a form of self harm.Today I started an argument for no particular reason.And now I feel like shit about myself for it.

Wtf is wrong with me,why do I do this?

 

[Jade-]

I have to find a way to stay focused on myself and my own issues.I am completely obsessed with hubby and everything he does and doesn't do.I think I definitely have codependency issues and need help with it.He is like my drug.

 

[Jade-]

I feel so panicky today,like something very bad will happen.I hate feeling this way.I don't feel safe.

I know its just me though,my PTSD,but it feels so real and like I need to escape.

 

[Jade-]

I swear,sometimes it's like arguing with him( hubby) is a release,almost a form of self harm.Today I started an argument for no particular reason.And now I feel like shit about myself for it.

Wtf is wrong with me,why do I do this?

I think maybe I try to provoke him so he will get mad and treat me like shit.I want the way I feel about myself inside to be validated externally by him.

It hurts me to the core when he's upset with me or we're arguing yet many times I'm the one starting the fights.

I'm afraid to show him how much I love him.Im afraid to allow him to fully love me.

 

[Jade-]

Yesterday hubby asked if I wanted to smoke a joint with him and I said sure. I normally don't smoke with him but I thought what the hell,anything is better than sitting here arguing all the time.I got really stoned with him and then asked him if he wanted to play cards.It was actually alot of fun.We even had sex and that was enjoyable too.

I wish I could feel that way all the time,like when I was stoned.I don't smoke all the time but I love how it makes me feel.All the little petty things don't seem to matter anymore,I don't feel anxious or jumpy.I actually smile,joke around and laugh.

I can't exactly stay stoned all the time though.It wouldn't be practical.But it sure would be nice,not just for me but for hubby too.I like him when we smoke together.

 

[HealingMama]

Hi Jade, just wanted to say you're doing a good job and it's ok that you don't have all the answers.

Last night I had one drink, was a bit buzzed, and was able to stop obsessing over everything wrong for like an hour. It was nice.

Hang in there,
HealingMama

 

[Jade-]

Last night he made a joke about brainwashing and I had a complete rageful,tearful,idiotic meltdown. He apologized for it a million times but just apologizing didn't make things ok.I tried to explain later why joking about brainwashing was so wrong and inappropriate and triggering.

He went into this whole "nothing I do is good enough,you get upset over every little thing I say or do" defense thing.Of course that made things worse and we started arguing.I started telling him he was an idiot,an asshole and cruel.Just a few days ago I was talking about all the brainwashing I went through and all the years of therapy trying to undo it.I told him to make a joke like that was so cruel and mean and not funny AT ALL.

I'm ok this morning and when he wakes up I will apologize for my behavior.Thats all I'm gonna say though because if I try to explain why I reacted that way we will end up arguing again.

I own up to my shit.I take responsibility for my words and actions. I try to make things right when I'm wrong.Most of the time.

His joke was offensive to me.It hurt me.It insulted me.It triggered me.Although he's not responsible for my triggers and my reactions,I wish he could use common sense and think before he speaks, maybe run things through a filter sometimes.Take time to ask himself if what he's about to say will be hurtful to me.

But,it's over now.I just gotta let it go

 

[Jade-]

I had a rough couple of hours after I made the post above.I was crying,feeling sorry for myself,thinking about how miserable my marriage is,how unhappy my life is in general.But then I wiped my tears and decided I was going to have a good,drama free day.And so far it has been a pretty good one.

Getting stoned with and spending time with hubby again tonight.Hes so likeable when I have a buzz..I guess because I'm just more relaxed and wanna have a good time and enjoy feeling good.The last thing I want to do when I'm like this is argue.

 

[Jade-]

One of my triggers is seeing cops or hearing sirens.But not every time I see or hear them and I don't understand that.If it happened every time I feel like maybe I could somehow learn to control/contain my reaction.Its not like that though,sometimes I am completely fine and have absolutely no problems or reactions. Other times I have a meltdown with anxiety,panic,my entire body starts shaking and it can last up to a week or longer.

It really scares me that I never know when I will instantly react.This fear of it happening out in public(again) is getting worse and now I'm afraid to drive because there's a chance I could get pulled over for something by a cop.

I heard a siren a few days ago,an ambulance was going past my house and I instantly panicked.It took such a long time to calm down afterwards.

Some days I'm fine other days I'm not and I'm trying to understand why.Other triggers get me all the time,every time,this one doesn't. I should just be grateful it doesnt but I'm not because it makes me feel so out of control of myself.

Knowing something is a trigger,every time,even though I hate it,is at least consistent and even predictable.But not knowing, having it happen randomly,scares the shit out of me.Theres many places and many different situations where there could be a cop.The grocery store,the gas station,driving,being a passenger in a car,they can be or show up anywhere.

I cannot stand living this way anymore.

 

[Jade-]

Sometimes, well actually almost all the time, I feel like I don't belong on this forum,like I just don't fit in.

I feel like I don't really know how to join in on discussions,that everything I say is really stupid.I have so much I want to say but I hold back.

I guess I'm the same in real life too