A Non-existent Person

[Meadowsweet]

I'm feeling like a non-existent person. feeling like this brings a sense of being so insignificant to the world that I just want to get out of its way. I feel that just being here is disdainful to others, like my existence is a nuisance. That comes with suicidal ideation.

I also feel it physically. I feel like an unsightly bulk, in the way, and I feel stuck in this body unable to hide it. I can be almost invisible in every way, except my body and it feels like a constant tormenting reminder that I can't not be here.

I've felt like this before. It seems it is my reaction to words and actions that over-ride or dismiss the person in me. Prejudice and over-generalising leaves me feeling this way, when people talk for me or about me, without acknowledging my voice, has that effect too.

It's a feeling i don't let myself feel, because I would never go through with suicide because I felt pain or anxiety etc, it would be the justification that the world needed me gone, that would give me the reason to.

But the world doesn't want people who've been abused in it, like there is no good to be had in me now. I've done lots of work to heal, I take care of myself and I'm not a burden on anyone. But nothing I can do will ever be good enough. Like I've done it all for nothing. And right now, i can't find the words to get out of this feeling.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

(((HUGS)))) Honey, I felt like that before and it was the most hurtful thing to feel as though you will never make a difference to anyone and you're just in the way. I, unfortunately, had to dump those people, including my own biological family, because I knew I was a better person despite their abuse and their nastiness and their narcissism. You are wanted by me. You are wanted by so many others here who want you, who want to hug you and call you friend. There are no words to get out this feeling as I've been there before. You don't know what to say except that you're uncomfortably numb to the point that you're looking at an ocean from a cliff. People do want us (the abused in it) so that it doesn't happen to others; we can teach others that abuse is wrong by donating our time, getting ourselves better, to tell children it's wrong to have it done to them and to trust us to do the right thing even though it was done to us.
You are a good person despite what you think!!!! You are loved by people and you are someone worth knowing and fighting for!!!
Remember this!

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you for your efforts, I don't want to sound ungrateful - I'm not at all. But I can honestly say, that as a mother, I'm loved by my children. But I'm genuinely not loved or wanted by any adults. Much as I don't want it to be, and I have worked hard to heal, but I can't remove abuse from my life, and even if I manage symptoms enough to hide them from the anyone, fact is that I have PTSD and it makes my thoughts worth nothing.

 

[Powder]

It seems that where you say PTSD makes your thoughts worthless, others could easily put their disorder or disability in that place and have it make sense to them.

This feeling is universal, but few talk about it. I don't think anyone has not had to visit that place in which it seems that life has less/little/no meaning.

Have you read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. I think this book has changed the way I look at life. I had my college class read it, and they also found it very helpful, a real shot in the arm in many ways.

What you speak of is termed an "existential vacuum" in that book, written by a psychiatrist who survived the camps in WWII. It is a short read, but not a light read.

If you get a copy at your library or online, I would love to hear what you think and if you find it useful to you. I really have used it. I won't say the feeling is gone, but I have found the way out of the maze, so to speak. :hug: I would like to share that with you, if you are willing. I want your ideas.

Hugs, Muse

 

[xena21]

But I can honestly say, that as a mother, I'm loved by my children. But I'm genuinely not loved or wanted by any adults.

Its so ironic what you say. You yearn for the approval of the world around you and all I want is children or family that will love me. I find that so profound. I have always wanted to find love somewhere. I have NEVER felt safe with anyone except my Mom. I have dreamt about having children or even a relationship with someone, but I am so appalled at sex or touching another human being that it is impossible.

I am not saying what you think about is wrong or anything to that effect. I'm just pointing out how we are at such opposite spectrums but still wanting love and respect in our lives. I believe you feel alone in the world, as do I, in a different way. I never know how I will survive from one day to the next because I am so alone. I just move on. I don't ever expect to have anyone close to me, but I will live the next as many days as I have trying to work towards it.

 

[NovemberStar]

It is normal almost, to feel this way, when we are struggling. I'm sorry things are feeling so hard for you right now. I wish I had words of wisdom that would be exactly what you need to hear right now, but all I can say is it's far far far more likely than not,m that you're FEELING this way is not FACTUAL. Low self esteem comes with trauma - as does the feeling of not belonging. As does the feeling 'no one can possible understand' AND feeling no one likes us, or cares about us in any real way.

Even if it feels true; even if it feels it will never be different, it's possible that as the dark clouds begin to disappear you will again come to value yourself, your role in the world and realizes you ARE loved and cared about, by more than 'just' your kids. :hug:.

Two weeks ago if someone told me I'd be feeling the way I do now, I'd have said 'not bloody likely!!!'. I would have thought I'd need brain surgery or a hit to the head, or way cup being someone else to feel in any way positive about myself, or my life, or the future or ANYTHING. But, here I am, just for today, feeling really damn good, and even excited about a lot of things in my life. (Actually I have felt pretty good all week). It doesn't mean I am a different person to the person I swear I was two weeks ago - an ugly, huge, lump of a waste of a human being with nothing to offer anyone and no meaning to my life AT ALL - but my perspective has changed. Pretty sure it won't always feel like this, so I will savor it while it is here.

Anything is possible, even when it seems impossible. A wise person pointed out to me a while back (and I've only just remembered!) - IMPOSSIBLE = IM POSSIBLE.

When you're in a hard place it feels like you have always felt this way and always will - but PTSD clouds our perception, in many ways, and it's taken me a long time to realize 'feelings are not facts' - something I do still forget myself, when I'm in a dark place.

I felt like you described when I was going through some heavy depersonalization - for weeks on end, I didn't feel real and it was AWFUL. It felt like the world was full of cardboard people, myself included - and then that lead to suicidal ideation because 'if i'm not real, then I can kill myself and I won't really die'.

I hope things feel a bit better for you soon.

 

[ghotiff]

like my existence is a nuisance

This is such a horrible feeling and when it there it is so hard to believe that it won't last forever. Try to be gentle with yourself as you suffer through this. This is the quote that helps me - "This too shall pass".

 

[NovemberStar]

@Meadowsweet.

You're a mum - regardless of whether or not the world needed you, your kids need you - and always WILL need you , no matter how big or grown up they get.:inlove:

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you all for the replies.

@Muse, thank you for the suggestion. I haven't managed to read a book for a while, but i will remember the suggestion, because to not feel this way would be good.

@xena, it's good that you have your mum. You know, there are many children out there who need someone who can understand them and not judge. Have you ever thought of working with children or young people? You sound like you have a caring nature in that way, and might be very good at it.

@NovemberStar , I am very isolated. I have a particular problem with allowing people close, so it's my own fault - but I'm genuinely not feeling sorry for myself, I don't have anyone around physically, so it is factual that there is no one.

It is a fact that people who haven't been abused find it extremely difficult to understand that abuse causes more than a bit of upset -and even in somebody who is relatively healed, there are idiosyncrasies that could be lovable with understanding, but people more often judge that person as weird and not worth bothering with because they don't fit in. People also judge the mental illness before they get to know the person and how the illness effects them individually, or how the person manages their illness. That ignorance, shallowness and prejudice is alive and well.

In the state I'm in, there is kind of a loss of hope, and the reality seems hopeless.

Sometimes I feel suicidal, and I deliberately think of my childrens smiling faces, and how they would be destroyed if I hurt myself - I can't be that selfish. But the reality for me is that there is no life to live.

@ghotiff , that's one of my favourite sayings, and yes, it will pass, when I find a delusion of hope to keep me going until it escapes me again.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hugs.

 

[NovemberStar]

@Meadowsweet. I have been where you are much of the past year - I have felt life is so meaningless, and there is no point to it at all. Perhaps it was a meds change recently, perhaps it was that I was honest and took a bottle of brave in the work with my T, but things are looking up for me now, and at the moment anyway, I am the most positive I have been in many months - since July last year. Meadow - please don't give up - your thoughts are not rational, you seem obviously very depressed - I encourage you to reach out to your T, your Dr, and ask for a meds review (if you are on meds, if you are not, perhaps it will be wroth trying some).

How old are your children? I ask because if they are young, there is even more reason you need to seek help and further support while you get through this hard time right now. My mother died when I was 10 years old - I blamed myself, and it wasn't a suicide. Her death has severely impacted my life, even now, nearly 30 years later. EVERY significant occasion in my life and that of my sister's, has been marred by her absence. My first period, my two graduations, my sister's wedding, our 21st birthdays, the births of my sister's 3 children, the death of our father. Even though she was very abusive, our lives have never been the same since, and always will be marked with her absence. I'm not saying this to 'guilt' you - chances are you feel guilty enough, probably even for 'breathing' at the moment, with feeling so hopeless. I guess I'/m trying to spark something in you, some tiny bit of fight.

There is nothing rational about suicide. What the biggest concern is, is exactly what you are saying - you don't want to kill yourself, yet you are in the dark hopeless place and have started to convince yourself the world is better off without you. My huge fear for you right now is that it is only a matter of time before your hopelessness and depression 'convinces' you that even your kids won't miss you or that you are somehow 'doing them a favor' if you weren't around anymore. Depression does that to our minds - it makes what is irrational, seem perfectly 'rational'.

I relate to you in being alone. I have a huge fear of letting myself get close to anyone. I have a couple of 'close' friends in my life, but I don't let my walls down, AND I fear them 'emotionally drowning me' (like my mother did when I was little), so I do not phone them, I do not take their calls. I drop out of their lives most of the year - one friend I only talk to once every other year. The other, she would love me to be more in contact, but I cannot bear it. I'm not even half a friend. And these are long term, friends - I have known them both for almost 20 years, and they are very nice people. I have not been in a romantic relationship for one a decade (Can't remember when?). I too struggle with the aftermath of prolonged childhood abuse, and probably half my life I have wanted to be dead. My first suicide attempt was when I was 9 years old - I tried to drown myself in the bath - because at (, I thought it was possible to just close your eyes, put your head under the water and that was it. When it didn't work I was extremely depressed and stuck and hopeless.

Thing is - I do know what it is like and how lonely a place it is to be, to feel so dark and hopeless. Even two weeks ago, if you had said I'd begin to feel life MIGHT have a purpose and it was possible to feel some happiness again I'd have said NO WAY.

Meadow - you don't know what is just around the corner Hun - even if all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and go through the motions at the moment, please don't give up.

If you really feel you have nothing more to lose, then why not talk to your Dr, and your T - why not ask about a medication review, to treat your depression? If you were going to make the final decision to end your life, don't you at least think you ought to try absolutely EVERYTHING first? It could be as simple as a med change, and your mood might lift, just enough. Hang in there, you're not alone :hug:

 

[Meadowsweet]

How old are your children?

they are in their early teens, and they've turned out really wonderful.

My huge fear for you right now is that it is only a matter of time before your hopelessness and depression 'convinces' you that even your kids won't miss you or that you are somehow 'doing them a favor' if you weren't around anymore.

I do understand, and this is my fear. But this is why I'm writing, even though i might be writing utter crap that no one needs to hear - but it's my way of keeping in touch and not losing sight of the fact that I am very depressed right now.

I've spent a lifetime looking towards the horizon and hoping that something round the corner will change it, but I live off hope, and at the moment I just feel like this is the reality and it's no good dreaming, I've got to face the reality and somehow find a way to live with the life I've got.