A question about details and therapy

[Rumors]

Thank you so much. I feel so scared. I desperately want to see my T again (obviously I can't till the next appt) and I know I need to tolerate this myself now. Thank you. It is so horrible.

Can you call and make another appointment rather than wait? It's ok to ask for help. Please reach out here on the forum. You are not alone and you are NOT disgusting. I have a few stories I deem disgusting too and the second I spew them out I just want to run out the door. Eventually I end up doing emergency, which sucks at first, then it gets better. I a, just really sorry this happened to you. Hang in there.

 

[oakleaves]

Can you call and make another appointment rather than wait? It's ok to ask for help. Please reach out here on the forum. You are not alone and you are NOT disgusting.

Thank you for saying that. I can't see her till my next appt because that is just how she works it is very boundaried. Which is ok. I know that's the therapy I signed up for and it's ok. But I will talk about really wanting to see her next time I do if that makes sense. I am able to text her and I may do but really I know I need to try to take care of myself if I can.

I just feel so shattered in pieces and so scared. Sorry I keep saying that it's just a difficult feeling.

I think she will have known what I meant (I assume people here know what i meant without having to spell it out???) But I need to make sure she knows because I was so panicky and it took so much to say I need to make sure.

I am just really scared. I am going to try to do some of the things I know help to help to tolerate how I feel but I was at work today and it just felt so odd because I was at work functioning and in my head and my own reality everything has changed because I told her that and she was kind and it's just very overwhelming.

Thank you so much for listening.

 

[somerandomguy]

It's ok to be scared. Soon you'll talk with her again and you'll discover that she still likes you and wants to work with you and she still believes what you told her.

And that will make it just a little easier to keep talking about it, and maybe even tell her more about what happened.

Great work, oakleaves. I hope you're really proud of yourself. You took something you didn't know if you could do and you did it. That's a terrific, terrific start.

 

[Rumors]

Thank you for saying that. I can't see her till my next appt because that is just how she works it is very boundaried. Which is ok. I know that's the therapy I signed up for and it's ok. But I will talk about really wanting to see her next time I do if that makes sense. I am able to text her and I may do but really I know I need to try to take care of myself if I can.

I just feel so shattered in pieces and so scared. Sorry I keep saying that it's just a difficult feeling.

I think she will have known what I meant (I assume people here know what i meant without having to spell it out???) But I need to make sure she knows because I was so panicky and it took so much to say I need to make sure.

I am just really scared. I am going to try to do some of the things I know help to help to tolerate how I feel but I was at work today and it just felt so odd because I was at work functioning and in my head and my own reality everything has changed because I told her that and she was kind and it's just very overwhelming.

Thank you so much for listening.

I totally understand. It's Ike jumping out of a plane with no parachute and its like you are falling in slow motion... could you even ask her for an extra session while things are hard? I am really lucky bc all I have to do is text my therapist and she just kind of gets me in there asap...usually the same day or the next unless she has a family engagement. I rarely ever do that...like never really but I think she secretly wishes I would ask for help more often instead of toughing it out on my own. I can tell you that I have pretty disastrous history of abuse. I usually go once a week but sometimes she encourages me to come in twice a week. Please ask for help... use you right skills but know that everyone, EVERYONE needs someone to walk the path with them. Hang in there!

 

[oakleaves]

I am absolutely craving contact with my therapist and I know it's just a weird attachment thing that will have been activated by disclosing what I did to her. The thing is I could text but in the past I have told her not to respond to texts so if I text she may reasonably not respond and then I will not know what to do with that because this time I want her to just acknowledge it.

I think by her being so kind to me that itself has activated something because it feels so unusual for someone to be so kind and able to cope with my distress (I didn't cry or shout or anything like that - I was just panicky and frozen and intensely ashamed) and it is like it has left me feeling weirdly vulnerable.

**Can someone please tell me if I told you that he put things in my mouth and I didn't say anything else --- what would you think that meant?? I am worrying that she doesn't know what I meant even though I feel like I have told her.

Gosh it all feels so much too much and my reality is shifting and I do not know how to cope. Sorry I'm posting here so much.

 

[Rumors]

Can someone please tell me if I told you that he put things in my mouth and I didn't say anything else --- what would you think that meant?? I am worrying that she doesn't know what I meant even though I feel like I have told her.

Under the circumstances in which you shared that statement, I would assume that he forced you to perform oral on him. However, as to your uncertainty to what your therapist thinks, I would clearly go in the next session, sit down and have this conversation with her. Tell her what type of distress you have after disclosing. It's not uncommon nor anything to feel shame about. You could ask if there is any additional support you could have during this process.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm positive your therapist knows that you meant you were raped orally. But I agree with Rumors - ask.

Remember, your therapist has seen this before and heard many stories like yours. Also remember that everything you're feeling right now is NORMAL. You are OK. And you're going to be OK, too.

Gosh it all feels so much too much and my reality is shifting and I do not know how to cope. Sorry I'm posting here so much

Everything is OK. I promise. We believe you. We support you.

 

[oakleaves]

Under the circumstances in which you shared that statement, I would assume that he forced you to perform oral on him. However, as to your uncertainty to what your therapist thinks, I would clearly go in the next session, sit down and have this conversation with her. Tell her what type of distress you have after disclosing. It's not uncommon nor anything to feel shame about. You could ask if there is any additional support you could have during this process.

Thank you. I will. I will do all that. I don't know why I'm so worried she won't know. I think because objectively it could mean a few things and I don't know if she will want to assume. I don't want her to stop me talking and she said we can talk again next session before I told her this. Thank you.

I'm positive your therapist knows that you meant you were raped orally. But I agree with Rumors - ask.

Remember, your therapist has seen this before and heard many stories like yours. Also remember that everything you're feeling right now is NORMAL. You are OK. And you're going to be OK, too.

Everything is OK. I promise. We believe you. We support you.

Thank you. I don't know. I asked her if she has heard really bad things and she said she has heard some pretty bad things. I kept saying but it's bad, it is really bad and I'm sorry I said what I said to her I'm sorry for saying it. She said actually the objective seriousness of it doesn't count much with her because it is about the impact and the context around what happened also.

Thank you for saying that you believe me. It is like a body memory I feel it and it is horrible.

My T was so kind. It feels like the kindness might be precarious. But she has always been kind.

I felt like I wanted a hug but of course I can't have a hug. It is so weird such intense feelings saying a few words creates.

I also am thinking how much this demands my attention and how my attention gets pulled to things that don't matter and I don't want that. I needed to give this my attention and I do but I'm angry like it has had enough and I've had enough. But I need to take risks to give my attention to the things that matter. This is more for a different place. Sorry.

 

[somerandomguy]

But I need to take risks to give my attention to the things that matter.

This is how you know you're going to get better - you're taking risks that don't seem to do too much for you now. But something is driving you to do them anyway.

That something is the hope for a better life in the future. You'll get there.

 

[oakleaves]

Thank you. I have just sent my T a message just saying thank you and it feels risky because I want her to reply but she won't because I told her not to but I feel like I need her to but I told her not to so it's fine because how can she read my mind but ALSO I am assuming her kindness was genuine and that she still feels it by sending that text and it is SO HORRIBLE because I am terrified that she might have reflected on it and now think something different or think I am presumptuous for saying that like I think I deserve her kindness oh my brain. I wanted to text before my next appt to make sure I could tell her more but I've sort of used up my one 'appropriate text' now. I also don't want her to stop me talking because I got overwhelmed and that has happened with therapists in the past and I only have a couple more planned sessions with her. I suppose it is all a sign that I'm not really containing things very well at all but it's to be expected. I am coping I am still functioning it's just hard.

 

[Rumors]

Just breath, Oakleaves, breath. It's ok. You are ok. You are going to be ok. You are safe and loved. Hang in there!

 

[oakleaves]

Just breath, Oakleaves, breath. It's ok. You are ok. You are going to be ok. You are safe and loved. Hang in there!

Thank you so much.