A Small Step For Others, - Big Step For Me

[Justmehere]

For the first time in a handful of years, I just completed 5 days of shift work without a single PTSD symptom holding me back.

It was only 5 hour shifts during the day, and only 5 days, and only a temp job...

but was not a stress free job, but one with irritated customers from time to time and I always had someone looking over my shoulder because of the nature of the job and environment.

I was told again and again I couldn't make it even this far, and yet I did it.

Ha!

And I enjoyed it!

I will be working longer shifts the next two weeks (and then the job will be over.) All the other odd jobs I've done for the past few years have been very part time for friends, or temp work at home, or other casual settings. I know it seems stupid to be excited about clocking in and out on time card, but I was seriously giggly about mine today.

I'm posting this just in case I totally fall apart in the future, to remind myself that I made it this far and it was a good thing.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Good for you... when I first became symptom free, sort of, it felt weird. I will always have low levels of anxiety and depression, but when they lowered considerably it was weird and awesome at the same time.

You might have a meltdown later, but it's ok, and it may only last a few minutes. You've done a good job, and should be really proud of yourself.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I think that's awesome! There is always a sense of accomplishment in managing something you couldn't do for a long while- congrats! I think I had that feeling once when I turned a job I hated into one I do well and enjoy my collegues too(while the job was still pretty bad, but consistent and needed).
As it is now, I would feel really happy if I completed 5 days x 5h, I think. The past weeks I've been struggling to manage any work whatsoever...think haven't been this bad since ...well, a year ago...I was really hoping to not do that pattern again. Glad for you, hope you do great on the long shifts!

 

[Abstract]

That is absolutely amazing! Well done Justmenow. I don't think anyone ever has a right to limit what potential healing they think a person can reach. I believe in healing and that everyone has unlimited potential in this respect. You have obviously worked really hard and deserve what you have accomplished.

 

[Joan]

Wow! Congratulations. I think that is huge. I think it is vital to acknowledge and celebrate each success...so extra well done.

 

[shimmerz]

I just completed 5 days of shift work without a single PTSD symptom holding me back.

Have I mentioned recently Justmehere, just how much I think you absolutely ROCK?????

If not forgive me. With all you have going on these days - all I can say is
Wow..... just Wow!

 

[Kolten]

Congrats to u! Way to remind urself of such huge accomplishments. Keep reminding urself of those it's super important!

 

[EveHarrington]

Congrats!

 

[Justmehere]

You all are so encouraging to me!

I completed the full temp job. They just emailed me and asked me back for another short term position - I excitedly but nervously took it. It's only a week but being asked back is huge... They flexed the schedule for me to go to see my therapist too (I said it was a health care appointment). They had to move another person's schedule to make it work - and that was a big moment for me to see that they wanted me back that much. I know this might be a small thing for others...

A social security attorney said not to worry about losing disability or failing at the job - just do it and they will count it as a trial work experience and to see it just as that: a trial. If I fall apart and need to be off work completely again, well, then that's what we learned through this and if disability balks, I have a hell of a lot of evidence to back that up with Voc Rehab declaring me unemployable.... but they also said, hey, maybe you just keep having these good successes.

I really hope so.

I'm trying to see this all as a good learning experience to see where I'm at, where I need to grow, what I need to work on.... and what I can do that I didn't quite realize I was ready to try to do.

There was one day on the job where all hell broke lose, and I was complimented on being calm and steady and reassuring to everyone, and helping them get through it all with humor and patience - and I was actually calm and steady, mostly, and I had a bit of fun with it - and I got promoted twice on the spot... and I have no freaking idea how I managed to not lose my cool myself... I just didn't. I felt so excited to be able to help others... or something... I don't know.

I told my therapist about it this morning in my session, and I honestly sobbed because I was so sad the job and opportunity was over and make it was all a fluke, and she said maybe it wasn't a fluke and I got weirdly mad and she and I talked it through about the core issues coming into play... at right at the end of the session, I got the email asking me back.

I didn't even ask about the pay of the job until after I accepted it and confirmed the schedule. Then I emailed and asked if the pay would be about the same... I am freaking out because I should have said I would take the job even if they paid me less, I'm just...

ok I need to not get nervous and start over explaining...

That's what my therapist kept telling me - she said to also tell myself what I kept telling the people under me on the day when all hell broke lose - "it will be ok, let's just take this step by step, I'll walk it through with you this first time, you've got this...."

If I can take the pressure off myself, I will get through this better - fail or succeed.

I'm reminded of a Mel Robbins quote: "You either succeed or you learn."

And that's what I will do.

 

[Justmehere]

I just finished the job. I worked what ended up being a full time schedule for 4 weeks on a team of people and under constant careful supervision - like everyone else.

I did it and they asked if I would like to work again if the future f they ever need temp help again, and I said sure!

So I think that means I did ok.

This is really hard for me. I don't want it to be over... I want to keep working. I keep telling myself I did ok with this and I can find other opportunities too.