Abusive Ex Came To My University

[Orglethorp]

My Mom and sister ran into some old friends of ours at the grocery store, and through the conversation they had, discovered that my abusive ex boyfriend from nearly 8 years ago has just recently moved across the country to finish his arts degree out here at MUN (my university). Not only is this the second time I've settled into a university only to have him show up a couple semesters later, but he had how many other schools to choose from between Vancouver and St. John's? I'm not impressed. I doubt he has come because I'm here, he gave up stalking me years ago, but it's not as if this is a coincidence either. He knows I'm here. He knew that 2 years ago. I know that he knows this because he was still dating my former best friend at the time (yes, she decided to spend 5 years of her life with him despite everything I told her), and we were all at a birthday party together.

I'm scared of running into him on campus. I'm worried that he'll hurt one of my friends. I'm worried that he'll join the fraternity and thus put the two of us in situations where we can't avoid each other. I'm shocked and upset that this piece of my past has followed me to my new home.

I know he doesn't have much going for him back in BC either. I don't know if he'll get attached to this place like I have or if he's only here for a couple of years to finish his degree. I hope he'll find it too cold and leave.

(For the record, for those who don't know my story, this guy is not the reason for my PTSD. That honour goes to my father. This guy is, however, the reason I completely broke down, lost all my friends, and gave up on engineering in 2006/2007.)

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I'm so sorry. You must be so terrified. I am very concerned for you.

Since he stalked you before, were there any police reports? Do you have a safety plan in place just in case?

 

[Orglethorp]

I've had no luck at all with police reports in my life. I remember trying to get the police involved when I left him, but since he hadn't "done anything strictly illegal yet" (based only on what I told them at the time) they refused to help. Break all ties with him, that's all they said.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Do you have a safety plan?

 

[Loner]

Id try again to get a restraining order. In some American states they are very easy to get. Couldn't hurt to try, and I would at least make the local police aware of the situation, even if they can't do anything. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[Echo]

@Orglethorp - I would also advise you to take this very seriously. If it is possible, alert someone official to this having happened. Certainly speak to you your course director or pastoral advisor, if you have such things in the US (I am in the UK). I have taught in universities here and they do need to know even if it is just to take into account any variables in your course work. Don't wait to tell them until it is too late. Tell them what measures you are taking and what the pattern was before (at least briefly, so they know what you are potentially going to have to deal with.

Keep records of any interaction he stages - if he turns up to events you are at, or contacts you in any way. That way you can establish and prove any pattern of behaviour. Let all your new friends know. You need that circle of protection. It is awful to live in fear and I know what that feels like. Talk to your therapist, if you have one, about things you can put in place to keep you safe in your particular circumstances. You shouldn't have to alter your life one bit to accommodate him, but whatever you do, do not let him ruin your education any further.

I had someone stalk me for some years in my thirties. I was staggered recently to discover he's still obsessing about me 20 years later. It brought all of the bad feelings back. It seems, once obsessed, always obsessed.

 

[Orglethorp]

I'm not in the USA, so I'm not really sure what those are. I'm on a work term (internship) this semester, so I'm only on campus to meet up/get dropped of with my carpool buddy, but my waiting location is the library. Not exactly a guaranteed safe/anonymous place. The only place I could go to definitely not run into him is the engineering building, but it's too far from both my carpool pickup/drop off point and my bus stop.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can you speak to your university about this? A lot of schools take these things seriously. The LAST thing they want is headline news about a stalking (or more) incident between two of their students on the front page of the paper.

 

[WillyKat]

A restraining order is an order from a court judge that says x must stay at leas y distance from z, not call, not write, etc. It depends on the judge what the terms of the order are and if it is temporary (and how long) or permanent. Violation brings more serious charges.

It's a mild precaution, IMO.

I know that Canada has restrictions on having pepper spray, but you can go to an outdoor stoor and get some "bear spray" which is just a larger can of pepper spray. Works on grizzlies too, in case your wondering. The Can. border patrol took mine because it didn't say "bear" on the can.

You say he "gave up" stalking you a couple years ago. Hmmm...not sure I'd buy that. Even dating your friend is a way of keeping tabs on you. Watch your back.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I agree with the others. I'm not trying to alarm you, but I too think that you and the university should take this very seriously. Even if just to just give you some peace of mind. You should be able to walk around your own uni without having to look over your shoulder all the time, right?

Someone who starts stalking their ex badly and long enough for them to have to go to the police is in most cases not a rational nor an emotionally stable person. That what makes him unpredictable and therefore more dangerous.

Personally, I think he is very well aware of the way his presence at MUN affects you. And that it has at the very least contributed to him choosing this university out of many options. Keep in mind that this is the second time he's done something like this.

It's unfair that you have to keep suffering, even years after you broke up. I say get a restraining order. This time he's the one who should leave, not you.

 

[Echo]

A course director is the person who is in charge of the course you are registered on. If you are out on an internship, someone presumably also co-ordinated that. In the UK each student has a personal tutor, not for teaching but someone you can go to if you encounter any problems to do with university life. Another thought might be to contact any women's services you have on campus. Perhaps they could arrange somewhere else for you to wait or have someone wait with you. Maybe the library staff could help, too, in some way. Don't presume people don't understand or want to help.

 

[Orglethorp]

Thanks for the explanations, both of you :) I wasn't clear when I posted, but I know what restraining orders are. As for some equivalent of a course director or personal tutor, I think the equivalent of the course director would be the dean of engineering. Or perhaps, a little closer down the line, my discipline's faculty chair. I'll contact them if I feel that I need to when it comes time that I'm in an academic semester during a normal semester (I won't be for 2014, but I don't know if he'll be taking summer courses.) As for the personal tutor, MUN does assign faculty advisers to incoming students, but only to actual first-year students (so, being a mature, transfer student, I didn't get one) and they're only obligated to check in on the students they're assigned to for that first year.

But anyway, back to the crazy ex. I tried to get a restraining order against him in 2006. Trouble is, I tried before he was actually stalking me. Once things started getting creepy, I asked my best friend to get advice from her father (who's a police officer) about it, and when she also came back with a "leave it alone" line, I believed her. I didn't know he was already charming her at the time. I have no proof of anything that went on.

(Side note: Canadian police don't seem as willing to give restraining orders anyway. I couldn't get one against my father either, despite having others back up my testimony regarding 15 years of abuse and rape.)

I was willing to pass off the first same school as something that had been likely to happen no matter what. It was a cheaper, local school and the art classes were on the campus closest to our town by bus. We also had many mutual friends on that campus. I just ended up embracing one of the other campuses a couple semesters before I really had to.

Here at MUN, it's a huge campus, and I have a lot of friends around who don't also know him. This is my territory. I've warned my girls about him.

There's no reason for him to take a class in the engineering building being that he's studying neither engineering nor computer science, and I'm far enough along in my program that I won't end up having my classes in other buildings. The engineering building is also quite out of the way unless you're an engineering student. As an engineering student, I also have card-key access to locked labs during my academic semesters. I'm not worried about him finding me between classes.

He's only ever been verbally abusive to me while in public. None of the abuse was ever just plain physical abuse (hitting, etc.) anyway. I'm not worried that I'm physically in danger. I'm worried that he's going to make the places we might both go (library, university center food court, etc.) uncomfortable if we're both there and I happen to be alone, I'm worried that he's going to hurt others (especially if he knows they're friends of mine), and I'm worried that he'll try to soil my reputation. He didn't manage to turn most of my friends against me at the previous university we both attended, but he did destroy my friendships from high school. I've reconnected with a few, but it's not the same anymore. I also kept my mouth shut about him at the last school.

I think I'll look into contacting the Women's Center via email this week and see where that leads. If he keeps to himself, then I'm willing to ignore him. I haven't even seen him around yet; I only know he's here because a mutual friend told my mother and sister.

At the time we were together, he was extremely depressed and suicidal. He had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder earlier that year and hospitalized for a few weeks after threatening physical harm against his two best friends. He refused treatment after a month and denies that there's anything wrong. I blame his father for that one, because I know his father told him that he wasn't allowed to come home until he was "normal." He kept razor blades on him at all times and would threaten to use them on himself at random, when we were alone. By the time I broke up with him, I had witnessed several psychotic episodes (all of which he denies), he was sexually abusing me on a regular basis (he never succeeded in actually raping me, but boy did he try, particularly after he found out I'd been raped before), and he had major anger control issues that he sort of seemed proud of. I was beginning to think that if I stayed, I was going to be the victim of a murder-suicide. He didn't like people knowing where we were when we were out together. He was convinced that his parents were going to murder him in his sleep any given night. He was morbidly fascinated by my past abuse and had slowly yet deliberately unraveled all the safe guards I had built up around those memories before I was ready to take them down myself.