Sexual Assault Accepting that i've been assaulted?

[NewDayTomorrow]

Hi, I don't know what to ask for but I just wanted to share this and see how anyone responds...I'm thinking about tackling this in therapy soon after sort of taking a break lately, and I feel like I want to talk about it here with other people who have been sexually assaulted.

I always called my events "the nurse thing" and "the guy who exposed himself at the hospital" and only now does it really sink in that these were sexual assaults. I've read articles and posts about sexual assault and always kind of thought of my events as being not that bad, not really sexual assaults.

I don't want to say exactly what happened because I don't understand how trigger warnings work here or what is safe to say. But a nurse at the doctor's office when I was little kind of painfully sexually abused me once and I think you could call it sexual assault. It was worse than being molested but also different from what I think of as child sexual abuse because it only happened once.

And then in a psych ward when I was 22 there was a patient who exposed himself to me and physically handled me in a rough way. That was more obviously a sexual assault but I still never thought of it that way till now.

I always thought these were just unlucky things that happened and they were both so atypical compared to what people might generally imagine a sexual assault to be (I'm thinking, something that goes wrong at a frat party or a parking garage) and I never admitted that I've been sexually assaulted twice and the first one might even be called a rape, depending how you define rape by a woman on a child.

What got me thinking about this, is that, I am trying online dating. I really want to date and get married (sometimes) and I find some men attractive but I don't like male genitalia and I don't like sexuality. If I could marry someone and never see him naked below the waist and never have to make out with him, just hugs and snuggles, that would be great. Well, even so I might have trust issues and it could be hard to get close to someone.

I might need to accept that these events are affecting my sexuality. I don't want to miss out on this part of life but I also don't want to face it, I just want to go through life painlessly and not dig it up or think about it.

I guess I need some validation and encouragement please?

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I am really sorry to hear that those two things happened to you and to me they are definitely no doubts about it sexual assault! I actually was talking about this topic in T today- my T referred to a couple of incidents that happened to me as a child as molestation/sexual assault-I always thought they didn't count because they were above clothes but it doesn't matter. Any time someone touches you without your consent it is sexual assault! Also, there are two tracks people usually take when sexually assaulted-either become very promiscuous (like I did/am) or they become very much like they don't want any sexual contact/touch at all...Two extremes, my t said today only after you heal from the trauma can you start seeing your sexuality go more towards the middle. Hope I helped! Yes, I think it is helpful to admit that those incidents may very well have affected your sexually and start to work on healing-I hope you have a good T to help.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Glad to hear I might not be stuck this way! Yes you helped! It makes sense to think of it as "going more toward the middle" maybe someday sexuality will be fun for me, that is a hopeful thought.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, I just think you're confused about terms. Molestation is a catch-all term that can range from inappropriate touching to full on rape. I just mention this in regards to your "worse than molestation" statement.

 

[Friday]

because I don't understand how trigger warnings work here or what is safe to say.

Putting on my Staff-Hat for a moment ...

Individual Responsibility
MyPTSD does not use trigger warnings. Mind reading what could be a trigger for another is a negative thinking style, a problem all PTSD sufferers need to correct at some level. Whilst some view its use as a courtesy, it is impossible to know what will, or will not, trigger another person, regardless the graphic detail contained. After all, this is a space where those affected can discuss trauma and its consequences. Community Constitution | My PTSD Forum

Back to being a member, now :D

I really want to date and get married (sometimes) and I find some men attractive but I don't like male genitalia and I don't like sexuality. If I could marry someone and never see him naked below the waist and never have to make out with him, just hugs and snuggles, that would be great. Well, even so I might have trust issues and it could be hard to get close to someone.

I might need to accept that these events are affecting my sexuality. I don't want to miss out on this part of life but I also don't want to face it, I just want to go through life painlessly and not dig it up or think about it.

While there are, and have nearly always been, companionate-marriages (for a wide variety of reasons)...

I have to very strongly second working out trauma issues that could fundamentally alter how you want to shape your life. Doesn't mean you have to, when all is said and done you could still easily decide that what you want is an asexual or companionate marriage. But then it would be your choice to do so, rather than the effects of something you had no choice or control in.

I don't want to miss out on this part of life but I also don't want to face it, I just want to go through life painlessly and not dig it up or think about it.[

I think anyone who has walked a hard road can understand that desire... But rationally, there is no such thing. From stubbed toes to broken hearts, lost lives to lost loves, life comes part and parcel with a great deal of pain. Avoiding pain is not possible. Recovering from pain, is.