Adoption

[Casey_03]

Has anybody on here ever given a baby up for adoption?

 

[hodge]

I haven't, Casey. I just wanted to respond and tell you I understand this is an incredibly difficult decision. My prayers are with you.

 

[Friday]

Also no, here. Came very close twice, and had decided upon it one of those times / was planning on it, but she died. So probably not very helpful for you, but since I understand how difficult a decision it is to make? Felt I should say something.

 

[Neverthesame]

I haven't either. But a few of my family members are adopted.

From what they've told me, it's really a mixed bag. Some people adopt for the reasons one would normally think of. Infertility or giving a home and loving family to a child that doesn't have one, instead of making a new one.

Though sometimes people adopt for social assistance benefits. Sort of like a puppy mill for humans. I don't know what the ratio is, sorry.

I like to think the majority are for noble reasons, but I don't know.

There are also factors which have an effect on what sort of home an adopted child will wind up in.
Gender, race, age, mental or physical deficits from birth defects either congenital or environmental. Ie: Downes syndrome, cerebral palsy (congenital). Or fetal alcohol syndrome, babies born addicted to narcotics or other things like thalidomide babies (environmental).

I of course am not suggesting you fall into the environmental category. It's just for informations sake.

One of my cousins was adopted by aunt when she was a baby. On her 18 birthday, she was able to contact her birth mother. Her birth mother had given her up for adoption due to financial reasons.

Interestingly I was there the day she met her birth mother.

In the 18 years after giving her daughter up, she had married a nice man, and had 3 more children, which she brought with her to meet their sister. Lovely family, very nice. They still keep in touch regularly. So now my cousin has a great big extended family.

I know this isn't usually it works, but it does happen.

Whatever you choose to do, just know that it can work out good either way.

 

[Panda Bear]

I have not either, but I have TONS of friends who have adopted children and have large adopted/biologically blended families and it's fantastic to watch.

It's really an honor and joy to watch these families embrace and grow through the love of adoption.

Whatever you choose to do or not do, it's an admirable and amazingly wonderful process when done well. I have nothing but deep regard for women who choose to proceed with adoption. It's the ultimate, selfless gift.

 

[Casey_03]

After this unexpected pay cut at work, I realize there is no guarantee my job won't screw me over and just decide to not pay me at all right after the birth. There's no one to help me financially if this does happen, so I'd literally be unable to feed myself or the baby. So I've reached out to an adoption agency. I know one thing - that it will be the end of me if I give him up. But at the same time, at least someone will be able to feed him. When I first had concerns about being able to afford a baby, a friend of mine told me a stupid Ukrainian saying about how if God gives you a baby, he will also give you what you need to take care of it. I scoffed at this at the time and the idea of that makes me even more angry now. I don't believe in God, but whatever forces there are in the universe, they don't give you what you need for the baby, they take everything away. They punish you for being pregnant in the first place, just like all the people in your life and the job you've been faithful and devoted to. I never thought being pregnant and having a new life inside of me would be met with this kind of reaction; I never thought it'd be deserving of punishment, or that upon becoming pregnant, it would immediately mean I am worthless as a human being. But that's the reality of it. There's no warmth or love from people around you, they all just walk away. Or worse yet, throw you to the wolves with your baby. You've ceased to have any value as a human being; you're expendable.

 

[Friday]

It's fairly rare that a baby can't breastfeed. Does it happen? Absolutely. Most, however, can. Which means that feeding them for the first 1-2 years of life? Isn't an added expense.

Do you already know for certain you won't be able to nurse (have had a preemptive double mastectomy to prevent the family curse of breast cancer, or no nursing possible breast implants -many, modern ones still allow for nursing- or something similar)? Or is this anxiety blasting off and running?

 

[Casey_03]

@FridayJones I guess I just don't know what to expect. If all goes well, sure, I can breastfeed (no reason why I wouldn't be able to, as far as I know). But what if the baby gets sick? I might not have enough money to take him to the doctor. What if, god forbid, he is born with some unforeseen illness that requires constant medical care? I won't be able to give it to him. After the two months of maternity leave, who will take care of him if I can't find some way to compensate for this pay cut? I won't have money for a nanny. So I either will have to quit my job and have no income, or will have to find someone willing to take care of him for free. There are so many different things that could go wrong and I have no safety net if they do. I don't want to doom him to poverty and pain right off the bat. I know there are people who believe women who choose to keep a child when they aren't exactly stable financially are selfish, and I wonder if i fall into that category. I looked at statistics yesterday that said single mothers, on average, pay about $150,000 over 17 years of a child's life. I make about 15,000 a year and a huge chunk of that goes to student loans (they refuse to offer a deferment or forbearance given the circumstances). And I don't see my income improving any time soon if I have no savings to relocate or even hire a nanny. I tried to be an optimist and honestly had faith that something would improve that would give us stability, but the opposite has happened, and it makes me think the father of the baby was right when he said i'd be a terrible mother and incapable of giving this baby what he needs. I realize that sounds dramatic, but that is honestly how I feel. I'm selfish for even daring to think I could do this.

 

[kylamoon]

There are loads of government programs that can help out. I don't know where you live, but I was on food stamps and WIC and Medicare for the first year of my child's life. There's people that can help. You CAN do it. There are a TON of things that you're going to think you can't do with this baby coming, but you're a mother. You just somehow DO them. It's like magic :) you got this, girl!

 

[Casey_03]

@kylamoon Thanks, I wish that were true. But there are no government programs for this where I am, at least not for non-citizens. And U.S. programs don't apply to citizens who live abroad, unfortunately.

 

[Mit]

I was given up for adoption, so this may not be much help.

I have no idea what happened to cause my mother to come to such a decision. But I truly hope she did it for the right reasons. Despite eventually being adopted by caring parents, being given up has had a profound effect on me.

Sometimes it must be the very best decision under the circumstances. But it's tragic for mother and child no matter what the reason.

I hope you can find a way to stay together. But if its not possible I hope you find caring people to support you through it.

One thing that would have helped me. A scrap book, or letter, explaining why. At least then I would have known I was loved, even if I couldn't be kept. Take care.

 

[Friday]

I don't want to doom him to poverty and pain right off the bat.

I grew up in poverty (although I didn't know it until I grew up) & keeeeerazy love, and then more than half my son's life was in poverty, as well... Although he didn't know it, either. Poverty? Doesn't have to be pain. That is 100% on the parents for making their children feel that. From first hand experience on both sides of that fence. There are ten thousand ways to keep their lives magical

In fact, for my son? He never knew what poverty "felt like", until he went to live with his father. Who makes several hundred thousand dollars a year. ((Meanwhile, I've only made apx $500 a month these past few years, not including the times I've lived off barter economy.))

Living off a shoestring... And making it fun for kids... Is a topic that could take novels. And you won't even need any of it for at least a year (except, perhaps, for paradigm shifting). So I'll set that one aside for now. But I'm happy to revisit it at any time. And as someone who used to be even more deeply involved in parenting-land, than I am, here? Tons and tons of poor parents online across multiple avenues to hit up for ideas & adventures, who don't abuse and neglect their kids, and blame it on poverty. Abusive & neglectful parents? Will blame anything at hand, poverty is just low hanging fruit.

...

The "what if" worries you have? They're all valid, and they're something nearly every parent struggles with. Worries about their kids -wanting the best for their kids, and terrified of the worst- keep parents up nights, keep them watching their kids breathing while they sleep, and are responsible for countless grey hairs.

The simplest answer is: What if something terrible happens? You deal with it.

Specifically? For each immediate problem you have (childcare, for example), thrash it out. Come up with half a dozen different possibilities -that you can live with- that solve the problem. Then pick your favorites and start actioning them. Whether it's looking at different ways to pay a nanny ((Like hitting up the journalism & Slavic languages programs at universities in the EU & US. Au Pair position available with exPat US Journalist living in Ukraine & Russia. Childcare in exchange for Internship & Mentoring. Plus Room & Board, local travel expenses, holidays, sick leave, and 2 days per week off. (Or whatever).)), or worst case scenario, change jobs for 3-5 years into one you can bring your son with you, or comes with childcare, and work journalism freelance to keep your hand in, during your time off... And everything in between.

For each "borrowed trouble" problem... Meaning it hasnt happened, yet... I'm personally a fan of finding solutions in advance. Even for the highly unlikely problems. What if they get sick? Some of the best children's hospitals in the world are free. (The absolute best ones in the US are all free, unless you have insurance or can afford to private lay.) "All" you have to do is get airfare to the US, and there are both emergency medical loans, and grants, which cover airfare ... And if your baby is deathly ill? Cardiopulmonary, cancer, etc.? Those hospitals will either walk you through the process of applying, or will put you on a plane. (I lived in a children's hospital with my son for some time. People like helping sick kids. It's an easy cause to get behind. They have hundreds of millions in donations every year, and they do amaaaazing things with those funds.). But what about my job, when your kid is sick? Doesn't even enter into the picture. MamaBear kicks in and parents are willing to do anything to save their kid's life. In fact, the much harder thing is the inverse; making yourself care about the things you cared about, before.

Other people handle borrowed trouble differently... Either reality checking probabilities, or refusing to even think about it until it's happened (often, refusing to think about it several times a day :p), or confabbing with other parents to get a laugh, or the betting pool of "whose mind came up with the worst thing this week?", or to be told to relax-never-gonna-happen, etc.), or start savings accounts, or or or. All kinds of different ways parents deal with being afraid for their kids. My fav just happens to be treating it like its real and researching what I'd need to do.