bellbird
MyPTSD Pro
Hiya,
So I'm fast approaching the one year anniversary in May of my failed OD.
I want to start off by clarifying that I feel unbelievably grateful and fortunate that my attempt failed and that I've been given this second chance at life.
But.
I've been starting to feel more and more nervous as this anniversary approaches.
Though it feels more like a collection of anniversaries than a one-off.
Basically from mid-March to mid- May last year it was day after day of very severe depression, SI, and full-blown anorexia (regular 36 hour fasts).
Then there was my graduation day, which should have been one of the best days of my life (I'd fought through an abusive relationship, a neurological disorder, PTSD, GAD, MDD, SH, SI, bulimia and anorexia to be able to walk across that stage), but I can barely look back at my grad photos as my psychological pain shows through my face so clearly.
I'd held myself together long enough to make it across that stage, and then that night I had an absolute breakdown.
2 days later I was hospitalised due to SI. They discharged me that night, on the agreement that they'd speak to me on the phone daily.
They had brought up inpatient hospitalisation, but I had managed to get out of it because, well, I wanted to die, and not be shut in an institution where people were actively preventing that from happening.
I remember sobbing in my driveway, not wanting to let go of hugging my friend who had taken me home from the hospital because I didn't think I'd live to ever see her again. But I couldn't tell her that.
Then over that weekend I became weirdly very calm, knowing that this was it. That I could leave all this pain behind. That I'd made it to my graduation like I'd promised myself. I put plans in place.
And 3 days after being hospitalised for SI, I attempted.
Even just writing this out brings up a hell of a lot of emotions. And a lot of pain.
Although I don't currently have my MDD diagnosis, the lead up to this anniversary is becoming increasingly challenging with each day. It's scary as f*ck. The memories of those feelings are very vivid.
And like with my first rape anniversary last year, this is my first anniversary of my attempt, so I really don't know what to expect.
Has anyone here gone through this themselves? And do you have any advice for what helped you get through an attempt anniversary?
Or if you haven't, but have some general advice for this?
I'm realising that I haven't spoken to anyone about this (I'm currently away recovering from surgery so haven't been having physical T appointments), and I've been feeling pretty alone I have to admit. I tried to push the feelings and the memories to the back of my mind, but maybe it's time I tried to address them, or at least acknowledge them.
So I'm fast approaching the one year anniversary in May of my failed OD.
I want to start off by clarifying that I feel unbelievably grateful and fortunate that my attempt failed and that I've been given this second chance at life.
But.
I've been starting to feel more and more nervous as this anniversary approaches.
Though it feels more like a collection of anniversaries than a one-off.
Basically from mid-March to mid- May last year it was day after day of very severe depression, SI, and full-blown anorexia (regular 36 hour fasts).
Then there was my graduation day, which should have been one of the best days of my life (I'd fought through an abusive relationship, a neurological disorder, PTSD, GAD, MDD, SH, SI, bulimia and anorexia to be able to walk across that stage), but I can barely look back at my grad photos as my psychological pain shows through my face so clearly.
I'd held myself together long enough to make it across that stage, and then that night I had an absolute breakdown.
2 days later I was hospitalised due to SI. They discharged me that night, on the agreement that they'd speak to me on the phone daily.
They had brought up inpatient hospitalisation, but I had managed to get out of it because, well, I wanted to die, and not be shut in an institution where people were actively preventing that from happening.
I remember sobbing in my driveway, not wanting to let go of hugging my friend who had taken me home from the hospital because I didn't think I'd live to ever see her again. But I couldn't tell her that.
Then over that weekend I became weirdly very calm, knowing that this was it. That I could leave all this pain behind. That I'd made it to my graduation like I'd promised myself. I put plans in place.
And 3 days after being hospitalised for SI, I attempted.
Even just writing this out brings up a hell of a lot of emotions. And a lot of pain.
Although I don't currently have my MDD diagnosis, the lead up to this anniversary is becoming increasingly challenging with each day. It's scary as f*ck. The memories of those feelings are very vivid.
And like with my first rape anniversary last year, this is my first anniversary of my attempt, so I really don't know what to expect.
Has anyone here gone through this themselves? And do you have any advice for what helped you get through an attempt anniversary?
Or if you haven't, but have some general advice for this?
I'm realising that I haven't spoken to anyone about this (I'm currently away recovering from surgery so haven't been having physical T appointments), and I've been feeling pretty alone I have to admit. I tried to push the feelings and the memories to the back of my mind, but maybe it's time I tried to address them, or at least acknowledge them.
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