Advice for the first anniversary of my suicide attempt

[bellbird]

that attached a lot bigger than I intended. oops.

:laugh: life-sized hugs.

 

[Freida]

I was a failure even at trying to die.

Nope. It just wasn't your time. You have too many things to offer to the world and to many things to do yet -- and a part of you knows that. That's the part that kept you alive. Because you needed to live. Your story is not over.. not by a long shot. Maybe looking at this anniversary as the day you kept yourself alive, even after a suicide attempt, would help? Because the hospital may have pumped your stomach and given you medical and mental health help but YOU were the one that kept yourself going.

Can you thank that part for helping?

 

[bellbird]

Maybe looking at this anniversary as the day you kept yourself alive, even after a suicide attempt, would help? Because the hospital may have pumped your stomach and given you medical and mental health help but YOU were the one that kept yourself going.

See this is difficult. Because I really don't feel like I did all that much.

But then, maybe I need to look at it another way.

Maybe it's not just about what I did, but what I didn't.

I didn't attempt again.
Even when my pdoc prescribed me prn meds on weekly dispensing in such a way that left me with a pretty decent stockpile.

Even when I had the first realisation that I was raped, that so violently turned my world upside down.

Even through two extended ordeals of my university trying to do me dirty.

Even on the nights that saw me breaking my two years clean from SH and winding up with fresh cuts on my arms.

Even when I have so
desperately
agonisingly

wanted

to try
again.

I haven't.

For almost 365 days.
One year
; the most dangerous period for an attempt survivor.

I have not tried to die.

I have danced.
And sang.
Laughed.
Smiled.
Cried.
Felt utter elation.
And total despair.
Success.
Loss.
Love.
Friendship.
Hope.
Happiness.

Not only have I not tried to die,
But I have lived.

 

[Teasel]

Not only have I not tried to die,
But I have lived.

❤

Glad you are writing this all out.
Love the plan to see the sunrise too :hug:

 

[shatter eyes]

Me six ??

also a failed attempt does not mean you are a failure by failing to OFF yourself. I agree with others that you do have more to offer and do in the realm.

What you offer to us has already lifted and brought healing to many...like the photography thread. It was not your time, nor was it mine, and it breaks my heart deeply reading how dark and trapped you had been. I feel it. Recently fleeting thoughts of SH and SI returned for me and my headspace is not well. Using mindfulness and breathing 7 in 8 hold 4 out..yawn.
I too believe you have a wealth of goodness to share and we all grow together.

Wow -- @shatter eyes thank you so much for posting. It's really helpful to hear from you, and I too am glad that you are alive!
I truly marvel at your strength to have come through such massive things in the way that you have and with the perspective that you now have.

Thank you this means alot to me. And i am grateful for you and your courage in surviving to live another. ?

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful."
- Buddha

 

[Freida]

Not only have I not tried to die,
But I have lived.

YES YES YES!!!!!!!!
Damn. This made me kinda teary!!! :hug:

 

[bellbird]

Me six ??

also a failed attempt does not mean you are a failure by failing to OFF yourself. I agree with others that you do have more to offer and do in the realm.

What you offer to us has already lifted and brought healing to many...like the photography thread. It was not your time, nor was it mine, and it breaks my heart deeply reading how dark and trapped you had been. I feel it. Recently fleeting thoughts of SH and SI returned for me and my headspace is not well. Using mindfulness and breathing 7 in 8 hold 4 out..yawn.
I too believe you have a wealth of goodness to share and we all grow together.

Just so touched. I appreciate these words so very much, thank you @shatter eyes :hug: ? :hug:

--
Evening here, of the 19th.
Had a goodish (for a given value of goodish) day.
Mostly meaning I got everything done on my list (with the addition of watering and tending my silverbeet bebes), except for emailing back T, the sun was shining, and I didn't SH.
Need to email T and then I'm calling it a day, I think.
Evenings are always my hardest time of day, and this evening even more so.

My mood has taken a sudden dive since about 1 hour ago and I just started spontaneously crying.
Echo and Ed did bring to mind my benzo stockpile that I still have, but they can f*ck right off.
I'm sitting in bed with my lights off except for a bedside lamp and fairy lights.
It's weird; my mood always declines when the sun goes down, but artificial lights to compensate just end up giving me a headache.
Tweeter is in his cage just over to the left, talking animatedly to a peg. At least one of us is having a good night.
Thank f*ck I have sleep meds that actually make me sleepy is all I can say.
Urges to SH way up, acknowledging.

Have hot water bottle, Mr Bear, cup of tea and dinner with me.
Gonna eat, drink, take sleep meds and email T.
Hopefully sleep.

 

[shatter eyes]

Sorry to hear you took a dive. I am worried about the stockpile of benzo you have. The SH thoughts are just thoughts until we act on them. I know the tension adds up as our emotion and thoughts mix.. so try to breathe. I have been doing 7in 8hold 5out breathing and by 3rd round i am less anxious. Its ok to cry. Know that you are heard even though physically you are alone. Mr. Bear and dinner plus Tweeter talkn away is a cozy visual. Rest with that. And if u cannot rest then we still here.

Ahhh.. i have sleepy meds that dont really work.

You can make it through this tuffy. Thoughts are just thoughts.
A grounding technique i recently found is to think of the llama voice saying "Caaaarrrrrrl" Carllllll.

 

[Freida]

Its my morning so it must be your tomorrow night --- how are you doing??

 

[Freemartin]

It'll be Monday morning in your hood soon. Hope you wake up rested.

So basically, you're 9 hrs ahead of me. So your Tuesday will begin when I'm going to bed on Monday night. (10pm here = 7am in NZ) In other words, our respective Tuesdays will happen somewhat non-simultaneously. (Look, world, Freemartin is finally catching up!!)

But. I'll visit your diary or this thread before I go to sleep, so you'll read my post when it's Tuesday morning for you. Then hopefully I'll be asleep until 4pm your time. At 11.25am my time (8.25 NZ time) I'll step on the train towards the capital where my friends live. Sitting in the train (4,5hrs) I'll watch a cool movie and listen to good music. It'll be 1am your time when I reach my destination for the day and start preparing dinner with my friends. But you can go to bed on Tuesday knowing three wannabe-vegan weirdos are probably steam cooking broccoli while you're asleep.

So, y'all, how's your Tuesday going to be?

ETA: Oh, and at what time is the sunrise where you live?

 

[bellbird]

I am worried about the stockpile of benzo you have.

Thank you for caring, @shatter eyes (hope you're able to sort a better sleep combo, soon).

Yeah; I never really think about it until I ..think about it.
But it was very very quickly met with 1001 Reasons Why That Would Be A Terrible Idea.
#1 of which was Even though we woke up several times from nightmares last night, at least we weren't being woken up every 15 minutes by a nurse shining a torch in the room to check we're still awake & other fun sleep-disruptive aspects of inpatient.

I emailed T back last night and then got a reply from her at 6 this morning.
She asked what thoughts I have had in terms of SH and if I can do anything to remove the means from my life for the moment.
Do I email back that my thoughts went to the stockpile? She doesn't even know I have it. Actually, no one does. Which feels cringingly deceptive but yeah. I'm scared they'll take it away from me. And even the control of having it there gives me some weird reassurance.

Also, laxatives. That I kept from surgery recovery.
Another stockpile. Including the one that mixes into a drink with salt and baking soda as the first two ingredients; two things my abuser made me drink.
God I sound f*cked up.

And then razor/scissors.

Do I email her this now?
If so, how? Without freaking her out with my first ever admission of a benzo and laxative stockpile..
Or make a promise to not use them and talk to her in session on Wednesday.

The SH thoughts are just thoughts until we act on them. I know the tension adds up as our emotion and thoughts mix.. so try to breathe. I have been doing 7in 8hold 5out breathing and by 3rd round i am less anxious. Its ok to cry. Know that you are heard even though physically you are alone. Mr. Bear and dinner plus Tweeter talkn away is a cozy visual. Rest with that. And if u cannot rest then we still here.

You can make it through this tuffy. Thoughts are just thoughts.

Its my morning so it must be your tomorrow night --- how are you doing??

It'll be Monday morning in your hood soon. Hope you wake up rested.

Oh my gosh, I am so so grateful for you guys.
Heart-thanks.

A grounding technique i recently found is to think of the llama voice saying "Caaaarrrrrrl" Carllllll.

Ahahaha, I will have to remember this one :hilarious:

So basically, you're 9 hrs ahead of me. So your Tuesday will begin when I'm going to bed on Monday night. (10pm here = 7am in NZ) In other words, our respective Tuesdays will happen somewhat non-simultaneously. (Look, world, Freemartin is finally catching up!!)

Damn; ya did good!!!
I want to say I'm way behind you in that respect, but you've just done the maths to show that I'm ahead of you so ehhhh #mondaypunday

But you can go to bed on Tuesday knowing three wannabe-vegan weirdos are probably steam cooking broccoli while you're asleep.

Strangely this imagery actually does an excellent job of making me feel less alone.
Just make sure you don't overcook the broccoli ;)
Your plans sound lovely, @Freemartin and I do hope y'all have a wonderful time together :)

ETA: Oh, and at what time is the sunrise where you live?

So apparently sunrise for Wednesday 22 May is 7.21am NZ time.
I've got an alarm set for 6.30am on Wednesday so I can get up, have breakfast and cup of tea, and then head down to the river.
I think I'll probably then go to the gym on the way home; endorphins, and all that.


I can't believe the anniversary is tomorrow.
Partly because I'm a lil dissociative-foggy, but also just that it's tomorrow. Like, flip.
Woke up really early and couldn't get back to sleep, about to head out to the supermarket to hunt for a spaghetti squash.
I figure it's a good enough mission to keep me preoccupied for a little while, and then I'll come up with a new one.

Gonna go back to earlier posts to try get some internal clarity.
Ideas for me tomorrow that Ed can make the final decisions about when we wake up:

• I think it will be important for me to be around other people. Given my current struggles with the concept of what makes a "friend" that I spoke about in my other thread, I probably won't make a date with a friend(s) IRL, for fear of being let down which would so feed into any potential negative feelings of the day.

Instead, I make a point to go to at least 1 place where there are people around; my university (it'll be a week day: Tues 21 May), a café, etc. Treat myself to the best looking piece of cake in the display case.

• I like the flip card idea to emphasise for myself how much has changed in the past year, in case doubts (which I'm anticipating) creep in.

• The self compassion break is a good idea, too. Perhaps a gratitude meditation, some yoga.
Putting on my "armour" (a past idea from Swift for anniversaries), to make myself feel as best/confident/strong as possible on that day; doing my hair, putting a little makeup on, and wearing an outfit that just makes me feel Good about myself.

• Making sure I remember that I can check in here/ with my T on the day.

And group activities if any others of y'all are still interested :hug: :

For those that would like to "join in" the celebrations, and yes I am already seeing that day in a much more positive light, I would love it if you would do things on that day that make you happy.
• Cook a meal that you love; that's your favourite food, or that brings up memories of happy times, or that makes you feel good.
• If there's someone you haven't told in a while that you love them (family, friend, pet, loved one passed), make a point to tell them on that day.
• Maybe there's an album you haven't listened to in a long time that you really like, or your favourite movie you feel like rewatching.
That would be the absolute best "gift" for this celebration: to spread some joy to each of our pockets of the world.

 

[bellbird]

Update: haven't been to the supermarket yet because I realised that my Little was in need of some care and attention.

So I put on some Disney songs on and (finally!!!) figured out how to get the heat pump to work.

It's now lovely and warm in the kitchen/dining room area, and Elton John's Circle of Life is playing loud.
Not sure how long this is going to last, but I'm having one of those *life is bloody magical* moments, where you get all tingly and teary. Couldn't have come at a better time, really.