Relationship Advice needed please, my girlfriend has PTSD.

[Dave ZInger]

I'm sorry I don't understand what you mean by secluded?

No I'm not secluded, I have family and friends I see regularly and work full time.

 

[Friday]

My question really is, is it normal for a sufferer to just shut out their partner?

It’s very common for people with PTSD to isolate, especially in response to stress, either as a reaction to stress, or as a coping mechanism to manage stress. However, not everyone does it, and of those who do, the details of how they isolate vary a great deal. Meaning some people just need a few hours to themselves, others stretch days/weeks/months; some people pull back from their closest relationships, others pull back from their superficial relationships, whilst others relationships aren’t affected at all, as they curtail other areas of their lives; some people wish to be pursued, others react angrily at any kind of contact; etc.

So it’s one of those no-answer answers; some people isolate, some don’t, and everyone does it differently.

If you check out the the Supporters Discussion area of the forum you’ll see isolating tends to be one of the most common problems leading to people breaking up; as not being able to come to a mutually agreed upon ways/means is rarely sustainable long term. One person feeling ignored whilst another feels pestered just doesn’t lend towards a good partnership, ya know? Many people DO work out a system that suits both people down to the ground, but many others simply aren’t able to. Resentments build as neither is getting their needs/wants met, fights ensue, and the relationship self destructs.

 

[Dave ZInger]

It’s very common for people with PTSD to isolate, especially in response to stress, either as a reaction to stress, or as a coping mechanism to manage stress. However, not everyone does it, and of those who do, the details of how they isolate vary a great deal. Meaning some people just need a few hours to themselves, others stretch days/weeks/months; some people pull back from their closest relationships, others pull back from their superficial relationships, whilst others relationships aren’t affected at all, as they curtail other areas of their lives; some people wish to be pursued, others react angrily at any kind of contact; etc.

So it’s one of those no-answer answers; some people isolate, some don’t, and everyone does it differently.

If you check out the the Supporters Discussion area of the forum you’ll see isolating tends to be one of the most common problems leading to people breaking up; as not being able to come to a mutually agreed upon ways/means is rarely sustainable long term. One person feeling ignored whilst another feels pestered just doesn’t lend towards a good partnership, ya know? Many people DO work out a system that suits both people down to the ground, but many others simply aren’t able to. Resentments build as neither is getting their needs/wants met, fights ensue, and the relationship self destructs.

Thanks for that, it carries a lot of SimIlarities but doesn't rely answer my question. I've heard that maybe she has pushed me away because I'm a problem that she "can " push away whereas the deep rooted other issues can't be just pushed away which would explain it but I still don't understand her lot wNti g any communicational all. She knows I suffer with rejection too so I'm struggling myself.

 

[Friday]

but I still don't understand her lot wNti g any communicational all.

The ptsd cup explanation <<< This might help explain her side of it, but that doesn’t mean it’s something that you can live with, much less be happy with. Just like any other symptom or coping mechanism. Which I mention because there’s a supporters trap of thinking “Oh, it’s PTSD, so I have to sacrifice &/or excuse any behavior I don’t like.” As opposed to deciding if that particular behavior is somehing you want in your life, long term. PTSD is a very cyclic disorder, the same patterns tend to repeat time & time, again. If your beloved isolates in response to stress? The. She’s likely to isolate in response to stress for the rest of her life. Whether or not the 2 of you can find a place where her isolating works inside the relationship, instead of breaking the relationship, depends on if the 2 of you can find a working compromise where both of you are getting your needs & wants met.

 

[Dave ZInger]

The ptsd cup explanation <<< This might help explain her side of it, but that doesn’t mean it’s something that you can live with, much less be happy with. Just like any other symptom or coping mechanism. Which I mention because there’s a supporters trap of thinking “Oh, it’s PTSD, so I have to sacrifice &/or excuse any behavior I don’t like.” As opposed to deciding if that particular behavior is somehing you want in your life, long term. PTSD is a very cyclic disorder, the same patterns tend to repeat time & time, again. If your beloved isolates in response to stress? The. She’s likely to isolate in response to stress for the rest of her life. Whether or not the 2 of you can find a place where her isolating works inside the relationship, instead of breaking the relationship, depends on if the 2 of you can find a working compromise where both of you are getting your needs & wants met.

And this is just it.. She just says my needs aren't anything, I'm a really emotional guy that really and truly just needs a little attention every now and then but I'm scolded as being selfish if I mention it. I love this lady to bits and am trying to understand her issues but the rejection is hard.

 

[joeylittle]

Hi, @Dave ZInger - I've brought your thread over here into the Supporters Discussion area. I think hearing from other supporters is probably going to help you the most.

The struggle and frustration in being shut out is a very common problem that supporters face. You might try using our search feature, and search this forum - OR, just browse the threads showing on the first page of this area. You'll see you're not alone.

 

[Dave ZInger]

Hi, @Dave ZInger - I've brought your thread over here into the Supporters Discussion area. I think hearing from other supporters is probably going to help you the most.

The struggle and frustration in being shut out is a very common problem that supporters face. You might try using our search feature, and search this forum - OR, just browse the threads showing on the first page of this area. You'll see you're not alone.

Thank you very much for that, yes I'd love to hear from other supporters too please.

 

[Friday]

that really and truly just needs a little attention every now and then

She just says my needs aren't anything

Yep. People do this. Especially with the things that are the most important to them. They’re so baseline it just doesn’t occur to many people that they aren’t baseline for everyone. So they’re relegated to “just” and “only”.

You “just” need a little attention.
She “only” needs her space.

Try removing the minimizing. You don’t “just” need this teensy tiny little thing. You need and want this very important thing. (That without which, you’re going to be unhappy, hurt, stressed out, exhausted, demoralized, sad, etc. Hint: if it makes you miserable not to have it? It’s important! :D.) Try seeing how that changes the conversation. If attention is important to you? Is she going to be able to rise to that? If space is important to her, are you going to be able to do that? Venn Diagram... is there any common ground the 2 of you can meet in the middle with, or is this going to be a constant source of pain/resentment as only 1 of you can get your needs met at a time, or 1 person is constantly having to sacrifice?

 

[Dave ZInger]

Yep. People do this. Especially with the things that are the most important to them. They’re so baseline it just doesn’t occur to many people that they aren’t baseline for everyone. So they’re relegated to “just” and “only”.

You “just” need a little attention.
She “only” needs her space.

Try removing the minimizing. You don’t “just” need this teensy tiny little thing. You need and want this very important thing. (That without which, you’re going to be unhappy, hurt, stressed out, exhausted, demoralized, sad, etc. Hint: if it makes you miserable not to have it? It’s important! :D.) Try seeing how that changes the conversation. If attention is important to you? Is she going to be able to rise to that? If space is important to her, are you going to be able to do that? Venn Diagram... is there any common ground the 2 of you can meet in the middle with, or is this going to be a constant source of pain/resentment as only 1 of you can get your needs met at a time, or 1 person is constantly having to sacrifice?

I see what you mean yes, these little things ARE really important to me. We are currently really struggling with communication, to be fair she does have other important family matters that she needs to offer her support with, because I've never had a, partner with Ptsd before it is hard for me to see it as being "right" to just sit back out of the way when my instinct is that "a problem shared is a problem halved".

 

[Deanna]

No I'm not secluded, I have family and friends I see regularly and work full time.

Oh sorry. I guess after reading Friday's and Joey's post, she is secluded from you. That happens. We just shut people out and sadly, it's usually the ones that care about us the most.

 

[Dave ZInger]

Oh sorry. I guess after reading Friday's and Joey's post, she is secluded from you. That happens. We just shut people out and sadly, it's usually the ones that care about us the most.

It's so bloody hard, because when I Complain she then says it's, me causing her attack.. Its so frustrating..

 

[Sweetpea76]

It is frustrating. My partner tends to isolate and hunker down when stressed a well. We make it work though. He can respect my needs and I can respect his needs.

Somebody here gave a great analogy once. Imaging you’re both swimming in a river. You’re dog paddling around in the shallows and she’s struggling out in the deeper, faster moving part of the river. She’s barely keeping her head above water. Even if you holler for her and want her to come help you swim, she can’t really drop what she’s doing to make sure you’re taken care of. She’s just trying not to drown.

Being symptomatic is kind of like drowning. They’re in survival mode. Relationships are stress. You cannot deal with somebody else’s emotions when you can’t manage your own. Sometimes excess stress is to be closeted until it can be managed.

Friendships don’t come with the same obligations as romantic relationships... and sometimes they’re easier to deal with.

Figuring this out is a light bulb moment for a lot of supporters. We’re wrapped up in what we think is the most important thing ( love, relationship, them)... and they’re over there just trying not to lose their shit. Honestly, most times it has zero to do with us and how they feel about us.