Hopefulphoenix
Not Active
Hi.
I want to write about this because it happened 2 weeks ago and has triggered a depression in me. Also I cannot stop thinking about it. ?
I met up for a coffee with a local artist who was offering painting lessons. This was absolutely huge for me as I am isolated and trying to break out.
I told this lady just a little about my situation; having childhood ptsd and being isolated so wanting to pick up painting again to help. I guess a part of me wanted her to be compassionate.
But instead she kind of took it upon herself to fix me.
She told me she herself had a big “backpack from life”, but a person cannot just rely on endless therapy to get better. Instead they must find the answers and the key inside. She told me that I am in charge of my own destiny, and must just decide to go out there in life and take what I want.
I felt so badly because I did not say I disagreed. Its like I simply cannot will myself better. God how I wish I could! I think I felt alot of shame and weakness because I cant do this.
The worst was at the end we were talking about colours. I told her I dislike the colour orange. She asked me why and I just mumbled oh its childhood related. She said that it was actually to do with my orange chakra being blocked and I should get it looked at.
Again I said nothing, but I wanted to yell right now I couldnt give a f*ck about my chakras (not to insult any believers here).
I think my depression came from the fact that I did not stick up for myself.
Also because one part of me wants to “get it together” internally and go back and get lessons and be brave and tell her she was wrong. Like using her to get back painting but nothing else. I think that my old dbt therapist could have coached me to do this.
The trouble is I dont feel brave enough now. Hence depression.
I can email around to see if I can find any other teachers, but this was convienient as her studio is very close to my house. At this point I am not good at getting buses etc and travelling further, so would have to ask and pay for someone to come over. More shame.
The reason the whole thing is SO big in my head, is not just a feeling of being beaten. It is also because there is a place in the city for people who paint etc to go who struggle and my T has suggested that as a place to practise getting out to eventually.
I would like basically to hear what any of you guys would have felt in this situation? Also what you would do, as to go back or not?
Also has anyone else felt on how scary it is to have something we are so powerless over without therapy?
PS. Her art work is good but not my style and also freaks me out a little!
I want to write about this because it happened 2 weeks ago and has triggered a depression in me. Also I cannot stop thinking about it. ?
I met up for a coffee with a local artist who was offering painting lessons. This was absolutely huge for me as I am isolated and trying to break out.
I told this lady just a little about my situation; having childhood ptsd and being isolated so wanting to pick up painting again to help. I guess a part of me wanted her to be compassionate.
But instead she kind of took it upon herself to fix me.
She told me she herself had a big “backpack from life”, but a person cannot just rely on endless therapy to get better. Instead they must find the answers and the key inside. She told me that I am in charge of my own destiny, and must just decide to go out there in life and take what I want.
I felt so badly because I did not say I disagreed. Its like I simply cannot will myself better. God how I wish I could! I think I felt alot of shame and weakness because I cant do this.
The worst was at the end we were talking about colours. I told her I dislike the colour orange. She asked me why and I just mumbled oh its childhood related. She said that it was actually to do with my orange chakra being blocked and I should get it looked at.
Again I said nothing, but I wanted to yell right now I couldnt give a f*ck about my chakras (not to insult any believers here).
I think my depression came from the fact that I did not stick up for myself.
Also because one part of me wants to “get it together” internally and go back and get lessons and be brave and tell her she was wrong. Like using her to get back painting but nothing else. I think that my old dbt therapist could have coached me to do this.
The trouble is I dont feel brave enough now. Hence depression.
I can email around to see if I can find any other teachers, but this was convienient as her studio is very close to my house. At this point I am not good at getting buses etc and travelling further, so would have to ask and pay for someone to come over. More shame.
The reason the whole thing is SO big in my head, is not just a feeling of being beaten. It is also because there is a place in the city for people who paint etc to go who struggle and my T has suggested that as a place to practise getting out to eventually.
I would like basically to hear what any of you guys would have felt in this situation? Also what you would do, as to go back or not?
Also has anyone else felt on how scary it is to have something we are so powerless over without therapy?
PS. Her art work is good but not my style and also freaks me out a little!
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