All Over The Place

[Jnean]

Since I'mi n therapy again, i don't
sleep much. I'm more emotional crying at very random times. Deeper and deeper breaths when i feel anxious. Having some difficulty again with being able to calm myself during panic attacks.
I may need another script for some relief. I see my psych doctor tomorrow. But perhaps it's normal to have insomnia, more anxiety and panic during therapy. I'm thinking way more now about how my trauma was the past and trying to live in present. The thing is during these late hours as I lie awake, I realize new things that are obvious now like I'm afraid of the dark. But what am I afraid of in therapy. Why is it hard to break the barriers. I guess my fear is not feeling safe. What if I never feel safe. That's a scary thought. What if I've build this wall of resistance and breaking through barriers that are keeping me from going deeper ends up breaking my internal feeling of safety that I've worked so hard at building and maintain. Or what if I have to start all over again.

 

[Friday]

I guess my fear is not feeling safe. What if I never feel safe. That's a scary thought. What if I've build this wall of resistance and breaking through barriers that are keeping me from going deeper ends up breaking my internal feeling of safety that I've worked so hard at building and maintain. Or what if I have to start all over again.

I like fears. They give me goals & direction :) They 'just' have to be turned on their ears.

1) What if I never feel safe? That one right there begs a whole lot of questions, and provides some good actions to work through. What makes you feel safe?

2) I couldn't quite understand this one. If you never feel safe already, then how does breaking an internal feeling of safety enter into the equation? Seems like it's already broken. So maybe time to rebuild, instead of guarding the ruin?

3) What if I have to start all over again? Then you do. But this time you'll have done it once already, know what to do, and know you can. Aside from knowing what to do, how, & when... What else can you do to help yourself in advance? Maybe lay out an action plan? (If A do X, if B do Y, if C do Z... Green zone, yellow zone, red zone... Etc. giving yourself a clear and easy to follow series of tasks in the event of backsliding or starting over.) Draw up what works (best, decent, badly) in case you forget? Get kickass health insurance that would cover the best inpatient treatment? Set up contingencies in other ways? Etc.

...

These are just my answers. They're your fears, you may have different answers/ conclusions/ actions that are better suited to meeting them. <grin> That's the power of using fear to your advantage; okay. I'm afraid of X. What is that telling me, and how can I use it?

 

[digger]

But what am I afraid of in therapy. Why is it hard to break the barriers. I guess my fear is not feeling safe. What if I never feel safe.

Safety/not feeling safe is an ongoing 'theme' for me with therapy. One of the things that is, slowly, breaking some of that down, is exploring that itself with my therapist. Trying to get to the bottom of what doesn't feel safe, and why it might not feel safe, has helped it shift slightly because the rational part of me at least can decide whether those fears are unfounded or not. Also my therapist being aware of what is causing me to feel unsafe gives her something to work from too to try and find ways to make things feel safer.

What if I've build this wall of resistance and breaking through barriers that are keeping me from going deeper ends up breaking my internal feeling of safety that I've worked so hard at building and maintain. Or what if I have to start all over again.

I think it's about coming to an understanding that these defences we built up to 'keep us safe' at the time, were useful to us at the time, because they were the only tools and options we had available to us at the time. Accepting that, while they were what helped us survive then, but that they can be damaging to us now, has been another key step for me. Building up those walls was what I needed to do to keep me safe then, now they are preventing me from getting the help I need. Doesn't mean I've been able to change it all yet, or let go of those old defences, but acknowledging that they're probably not really helping me much anymore is a step towards that I think. One of the most useful things my T said to me, was that she wasn't going to just try and take those old coping methods and defences away from me - it's about taking the time to replace them with new things not about stripping you of what you know and leaving you with nothing while you try to build anew. So it's not really knocking it right down and starting all over again, it's more like building new alongside taking down the old - if that makes sense?

 

[Jnean]

Safety/not feeling safe is an ongoing 'theme' for me with therapy. One of the things that is, slowly, bre...

oh my goodness, that makes sooooooooo much sense. I'm very grateful for that.

 

[Jnean]

I like fears. They give me goals & direction :) They 'just' have to be turned on their ears.

1) Wha...

I love how you turned things around, gave it new perspective. I haven't ever thought about these things in this way but I like the challenge a lot. Thank you for that.