Already Decided I Don't Want Marriage And Kids. Does Anyone Else Feel The Same?

[greenleaf]

I don't think it's abnormal at all! The pressure to have a spouse and kids has lots of historical reasons, but we're in a pretty different world now, @mytai. It is good to have a social network, though, like other folks said, and fur children are wonderful. You may change and want them and then change and not want them again! Lots of possibilities. You might want to adopt at age 40! You might get involved in animal rehabilitation and have a partner and 20 furry things. I bet you would be a great parent if you choose to be eventually, but you'd be great at lots of other things too.

The middle of a traumatic situation isn't when you have to make these choices, though - I hope you'll focus on self-nurturing right now, and I hope the police in your area have a rather large increase in competence.

 

[mytai]

Honestly if I could get my tubes tied right now I would. But sadly no doctor will do that for someone my age, and doesn't have children yet. I believe in my area they will not consider it until after you have three kids.

 

[StarChild]

Did you already consider an intrauterine coil? There are different coils you can get: The ones made of copper or the new ones with Levonogestrel. Maybe you'd like to read this:
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/contraception-guide/Pages/ius-intrauterine-system.aspx

 

[junglegirl]

I would like to get married but I do not want children at this point; I want to focus on myself.:) hugz,

 

[NovemberStar]

I want neither. I have gone through 'phases' of 'wanting a baby' but they were short lived and I came out the other side thinking 'THANK GOD I did not act on that impulse'.

Sure, you MIGHT 'change your mind' but I know there are few things more ANNOYING than when people refuse to believe that being a female, you don't want children. "You'll change your mind!" and " But if you meet the right man", and "But it's not the same when you have your OWN - I used to think like that too but then when I had Billy / Lucy /Ethan /xxxx …" "It's the bet thing thats evert happened to me!!!" "But you'll have no one to look after you when you're old!" and "are your a lesbian??" "But only cold selfish women don't have kids!".

Heard it ALL. And no, you're not 'abnormal'.

For me, it was a combination of my mother dying when I was young (a HUGE number of women whose mother died before they were adults, do NOT go onto have children - the number of 'motherless' women who choose not to have kids is about 3-4 x the 'average' number of women with mothers, who do not have children). And my own struggles with depression and PTSD - I find life hard enough looking after ME, why the HELL would I try to bring into the world another life that I am solely responsible for? I do not feel I would cope well be being a mum, being 'on call' and having to respond to someone else, all day, everyday.

And since its my own mother that caused my PTSD, it would be inevitable having my own kids would be incredibly triggering - I struggle to be around my nieces and nephews as it is, because I fired it triggering being around 'kids'.

Yes, maybe when I have finished working through all my trauma, I will 'regret' not having kids - cos it will be too late for me to have them, buy the time I work through this trauma. But to 'go and have one' just in case I 'left it too late' and 'regret' it later - THAT is the epitome of selfish, in my opinion. If its meant to be, it will be, but I doubt it.

It is one way I know for sure, the suffering passed on down from my mother to me, will END HERE.

In my line of work, I work alongside new parents. I do not have to have had a baby / children to know it is INCREDIBLY HARD WORK. Exhausting, mentally, emotionally, not just physically. In my heart of hearts, I think its UNselfish for me to have made the decision not to have kids - I think its selfish to HAVE them 'just in case' you regret not having kids, later on. It's not a puppy to be re-homed if it doesn't work out; its not a house you end up regretting buying that you can put back on the market - its another LIFE.

I was so worried about getting pregnant that when I had a boyfriend we used TWO lots of contraception at the same time, just in case. I knew I did not want a termination, to adopt, or keep a baby. I only have a few childbearing years left - although at the age I am now, the chance3s of becoming pregnant if I changed my mind and tried very hard to GET pregnant, would be slim. To be honest, I will be relieved when I am 'too old' to be asked 'when are you having kids?'. Thought I suppose then, it will be 'oh, it's a shame you didn't have any…".

I do not 'hate' kids - I just would not like the huge responsibility and 24/7 nature of having them. There is a certain freedoms about not having kids, I can do what I want, and don't have to consider anyone else. Does that make me selfish? Maybe - but isn't it GREAT I can see that, and have made a sensible decision to not have children.

Cos there are many parents out there that do regret it - sure, they would not 'be without the kids they have' now they have had them and met them and got to love them, but I do think a pretty large number would, if they could, go back in time and seriously rethink the decision.


…


I agree, with contraception - do all you can to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. You are young - I do not mean that in a derogatory way - but more in the 'you have plenty of time to work through all your trauma AND maybe out the other side of it, you will want things you don't want now' kind of way. I think for most women, it is a decision they revise several times in their lives. Even I did - as I said - the last time I seriously considered it was 5 years ago when my father died. I think it was a 'natural' urge to 'reproduce' to 'carry on his memory' in some way. I even emailed fertility clinics to ask about donor sperm and being single and waiting list times. I was 'baby mad' for a few months, but it did go away.

 

[ghotiff]

"ok, can we stop discussing what may or may not happen in ten to 15+ years and focus on healing my trauma?

This to me is the essence of what you should be doing right now. You need to focus on the 'now', the future will take care of itself if you focus on your current needs.

My advice is please don't get your tubes tied...if you are not having sex, then there is absolutely no reason to have such an invasive and long term procedure. When I was your age I never wanted kids, but I did want a husband (I only feel safe when there is a 'man' looking out for me). I married my husband and he didn't want kids either. At one point, a decision point arose and we needed to decide, and we realised that we did actually want them together and made the leap of faith to have kids, and I haven't regretted it. The pregnancy was extremely difficult (felt like someone was touching me from the inside for the entire 9mths), the birth traumatic (long story, but I highly recommend for people with sexual assault as a back issue that they consider a caesarian as valid and legitimate option)....but he is a lovely kid, and I love him dearly. I still haven't ever regretted the decision.

My suggestion....decide (as you have) that you do not want to be married or have kids and live your life comfortable with that decision. But, if you are able to, please keep an open mind to consider that one day you may change your mind, and if you do that is fine....if you don't, that is fine too. This is YOUR life, and only you can decide how to live it.

 

[NovemberStar]

ps) Just want to add - I think you are being hugely responsible and mature and very 'grown up' to have put so much thought into what you want and don't want. Too many women just get pregnant because they can. Honestly - most parents put more time and effort and research into buying a new car than to 'having children, or not'. When it's another life in the mix - I think it's highly unfair to any future child to not protect yourself against pregnancy until you are VERY VERY SURE you are READY to be a parent. And I think in the case of those of us with other issues - mental illness - it's even more important that we sort OURSELVES OUT FIRST.

 

[ghotiff]

Sorry, I posted too much personal info, and I now retract it.

 

[Philippa]

I chose to not get married, or have kids, and for the most part I don't regret that at all. I see couples struggling in their marriage, miserable, kids taking over their lives, no life of their own anymore, and basically it turned me off kids.

I made a decision and it was selfish, but so what. I didn't want to give up 20 years of my life for someone else. As well as this, it's a totally different world and having kids requires a lot of thought and it's very SCARY!

I don't believe in bringing kids into the world and dumping your baggage and conditioning and all the crap my parents f*cked me up with, on them. It's not fair on them. I have spent years working through all that stuff. If I decide to change my mind, I can always adopt. For now, I'm happy with my cat and my cuddle buddy.

I like what November star said, and it's totally true too. Too many people are having kids without even thinking about it. Just last night I was speaking to my neighbour, whose wife has now left him, with the kids, and he's exhausted, has no life and no wife, and thought having kids was going to be all fun and games...and now he resents the reality.

Many people take that resentment out on their kids when it was their own mistake for not thinking it through and making sure it's what they really wanted, and not just playing along with what society dictated to them, or their parents pressured them into doing.

Like you, I did used to want to get married and have kids, and around 21 things changed pretty drastically for me. I had not been sexually assaulted at that stage though, so that was not a factor in my decision. There were lots of reasons for it...but lets face it, there are enough kids! The earth is over populated at the moment, and resources are starting to dwindle in many places. I don't think my decision, and that of many others these days, is going to tip the scale any.

I HAVE had times where my biological clock resisted my minds decision and gave me hell, but I made it through that in my early 30's. I was in no position to have kids, that's for sure, emotionally, mentally or financially. I needed to recover from PTSD and depression and so now I consider myself a mother to my cat and my paintings and creative work.

There is nothing abnormal about your decision...if that is what you truly want and it's not a reaction to your abuse.

I lost all desire for sex and a relationship for years and years as well, and lots of people thought I was totally bonkers because of it. I had 'friends' trying to set me up with their friends, trying like blazes to force a relationship on me, because that's what they think is normal and couldn't stand to see me single...as if that's the worst thing in the world. Loads of men think it's totally abnormal...but that's because they just want to sow their seed as far as the eye can see and think that women are like them. :D

These days take advantage of having the freedom to do whatever you want in the western world. It's an amazing time in the history of the world.

 

[StarChild]

Dear @mytai, I was 17, when I decided, to never have children, because of my horrible childhood. My decision had nothing to do with sexual abuse, because I wasn't abused in that way. It had to do with the life threatening, brutal and gruesome treatment I had to endure by my own mother. There was so much physical violence, so much "sick love" and sadistic punishment. That I never felt "healthy" enough to raise children. For that would have implied to give them love, security, comfort and would need and take lots of strength, that I simply didn't possessed.

Now many, many years later, I still don't regret my decision. It was the right one. It was never the dream of my life to be married, become a mother and "serve" my husband and children. (That's how I see it). I wasn't able and I wasn't ready to give unconditional love to little human beings who would need all I had to give for their own well being.

I could imagine to marry though, "somewhere along the way". But the emphasis of this contingency lied on mutual respect and of course my personal autonomy. That's obviously the reason that I married in my late 30ies. And oh well, of course I married the wrong one. Was that man gentle, loving, generous, and supportive before the marriage, so did he a 180° turn the very next day of our wedding! I had married a Dr. Jekill who turned now into Mr. Hide! What followed were several years of horror, and once more, life threatening situations. So I left him for good and I'm divorced now...

When I told my divorce lawyer about my ex, she said, that this wouldn't be an extraordinary occurrence, for abused people more than often choose (unconsciously) what's already familiar to them... I have to admit she was right! - So, no, I'm not looking for another romantic relationship with a man. I've had my share already. And I'm not unlucky to live without a man. I feel self-sufficient enough to not need a man to make my life "complete". I am complete.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think be true to yourself. There are pros and cons and nothing is certain. Personally now that I'm older, I feel very thankful I did not remain with any abusive man. But some men can be great, (or at least great for you/ each other). Children seem a natural offshoot with the right person, +/or there is adoption as an option as well.

The only thing I know for certain, if it's not extraordinary I don't want it.

 

[NovemberStar]

@Philippa - I don't think it is 'selfish' to make the decision not to have children - I think the opposite would be true - you know yourself and your limitations; and as you said, you don't wish to put baggage onto another life - that is anything BUT selfish ;)

I totally agree with everything you said - it is how I feel too.

I also know that when I am no longer able to have children, I will probably still grieve for the lost opportunity - not enough to 'regret' not having them, but more of a 'if only my life had been different - if I had not grown up in the family I did, I would probably have wanted kids and been in the mental and emotional spoilage to be ABLE to have them' kind of way.

My mother should not have had kids. She should have got help and sorted out her major issues, once she realized she was 'in over her head'. She was of the era where it was expected, and 'sold' to women as being the 'be all and end all' - 'get married have children'. She probably felt she had no other choice - but the reality of the 'fantasy' was different, and at that point, she had the responsibility to GET HELP and, no matter how hard, fight her inner demons and become a decent parent. She had the help to do so - for whatever reason she did not get better. She chose to repeatedly drink, and then 'lost it' with me and my sister. The impact of her BAD choices and BAD behavior has ruined my life, and I can now see some of her behaviors are being passed onto the next generation, via my sister.

It is heartbreaking to see. I only wish that my decision not to have kids would somehow have prevented more of the same disfunction begin passed on, but I can only control my life, not my other family members. I wish my 'sacrifice' to not have kids meant my nieces and nephews were safe and protected, but it is not the way life is.