Already Decided I Don't Want Marriage And Kids. Does Anyone Else Feel The Same?

[mytai]

I'm 23 and I've decided in the last 6 months that I no longer desire to get married or have kids. It used to be a huge desire of mine to get married and have kids but as of recently that's changed. It's not even like I think I might want it in the future, I have zero interest in having sex, being in a relationship, and being pregnant.

I told my T this a few months ago and she seems to think that I will change my mind, that it has something to do with miscarrying a few years ago. Probably because I told her about this around the anniversary of my miscarriage. It's like it defies all logic if a 23 year old woman doesn't want a future with a man and kids. Why is that so abnormal?

Sex is incredibly painful for me, granted I've never had consensual sex but I fooled around with my ex when we were together and even that was painful. I just honestly have no desire to be in a relationship.

Does anyone else feel that way? Or am I completely abnormal?

 

[Meadowsweet]

I already have kids, and am in my forties. But I have come to the conclusion that I don't want or need to be in a sexual relationship again.

My sister is in a relationship that has lasted 20 years, but she decided young that she never wanted children.

I think, to be really happy with singledom, it is useful to have a wider social network. It's not fun being completely alone. But you don't need to be in a sexual relationship to have a fulfilling social life and a close support network.

 

[Echo]

I think you should be whatever you want to be and do whatever you want to do. When you/one has been forced in any way, it is particularly important to feel like you/one are in charge of your life.

I don't have children, though I had miscarriages. I would have liked to have them, but it didn't hit me that I did until a long time after I was raped, and only when I fell in love. Once the relationship came to an end, so did my desire to have children (or at least I seemed to sublimate it), and then I fell in love again and the same thing happened.

It also took me 7 years after being raped for the last time to let any man anywhere near me. After break-ups, the same thing happens.

I know lots of people who have chosen not to have children and they have perfectly happy lives. I know lots of people who, like me, have not been able to have them and we all deal with our sadness, but still have good lives.

I don't think any of it is anyone else's business. Thank goodness women can now earn their own living, and are not required (at least within Western cultures) to get married and have children against their own wishes.

Yes, your therapist may be right in the long term, but it doesn't matter if she is wrong. Just be you; after all you've been through, that is the most important thing of all.

 

[TimeToHeal]

I don't think it's completely abnormal. You are young, and your traumas are so recent, I think it's probably more "normal" than not, to have no desire for sexual contact.

As you heal, you might find your feelings and desires for a relationship and kids changes. Or not. And either way - it's totally okay. It is YOUR life, and you have no one's expectations to live up to - only do what makes YOU happy, no one else gets to choose our dictate that! :)

 

[bluebird]

Hi, I am stuck in a state of mind in which I do not want marriage, kids - but in my case, it´s mostly due to fear. I am afraid of somebody hurting me again. I am afraid of being too close to somebody. I am afraid of sex. I am afraid of all men. It might changes, it might not. I mean - I believe one day it wouldn´ t be something beyond the reach of my imagination... :sorry: And then, only then, I can my own choices and no one has the right to decide my life but me.

The point is, I am not in the place where I can decide, not yet. I am trying to reach this place.

If this is the way you feel right now, then it´s completely ok. You are free to choose anything you wish. Your life is only yours.

But please, keep in mind that in case it is your fear speaking from the depth of your soul, it is not you who makes the decisions...

However, I honestly do not think it is strange in any way, many people have chosen not to be married, i.e. to dedicade their lives to be doctors, astrophysicists, teachers, musicians... or just follow another dream. You have the right to be you. And, by the way - I have never met anyone who does "normal" things. Every one of us is different and every human being has his/her own life, we all have our own pictures to paint and beautiful songs to compose... We might have been given colours or certain tones we do not like at all, we might have been robbed of another ones we wanted to have, we didn´t ask for that, but it is only our decision what will the final picture/song look like. We are free! :hug:

 

[Candleflames]

I think your feelings are completely normal. I have many friends who didn't want marriage or kids. Some changed their minds as they grew and changed. Others never wavered and they still grew and changed too.

This may be a transient feeling as you do have a lot going on. This may be who you are. It's a myth that we need to have a partner and or to procreate to feel fulfilled. Many people lead satisfying lives by finding something they are passionate about.

Don't worry about if these feelings are normal or not, or if they are permanent, or even where they come from at this point. All of that is irrelevant at this point and you can delve into those questions later when you have had some more time to heal. For now just work on getting yourself feeling safe. Work on rebuilding your sense of self and confidence. It might be helpful to explore a few different activities and subject to find something you can be passionate about.

I've read several of your other post but just haven't been able to comment. I'm sorry so much pain is back for you. I'm sorry for the new traumas you experienced. I'm glad you are still here and have survived. You are strong and can find a way to thrive, it'll just take some time.

 

[jmni]

Do you feel disgusted or exhausted? I wonder what brought you to this conclusion. There is nothing wrong with your decision or feeling. But I would suggest you try to get in touch with your feelings and why you've come to this. There are certainly going to be more obvious reasons, but reading could help you realize other feelings and ideas.

Do you feel safe?

 

[mytai]

@littlebluebird, it may be fear with me as well but I'm not sure.

@jmni, I feel completely disgusted with the prospect of ever having sex again. It's like it is a complete turn off to me. A heck of a lot brought me to this conclusion. Numerous sexual assaults, attacks, being forced to do disgusting tasks - some of which guys I've dated think of as a big turn on for role playing. I haven't felt safe in a very long time @jmni.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No, you're not abnormal, not in the least!

I know it seems like everyone is getting married and having kids, but the statistics show that more and more people are deciding to stay single and not have children. When I was younger, I always envisioned having a family and getting together on holidays with the extended family and having parties and all that sort of thing. (I'm really big into holidays, lol) But then when my symptoms spiked, I lost this vision of my future. I didn't really think of it one way or another. But then I met someone who had a completely different view of having kids. He told me that yes, he'd like to have kids, but it wasn't the end of the world if it doesn't happen. He's pretty laid back, and said if it happens, it happens, but if it doesn't, it doesn't. Of course, he is a guy, and I think that guys have a bit of a different perspective on having kids, but at the same time, I think that his attitude is more of one that I'd like to adopt. I mean after having this conversation with him, something clicked in my mind where I finally thought "huh, maybe it isn't something that is completely out of the question as I used to think!" So I guess what I'm trying to say is that right here, and right now, you don't want kids, and that is perfectly fine. One day you may change your mind, but then again, you may not. However, I think its important for you to stay true to your decision in that if you ever get involved with someone, you should be honest with them about the kid thing, probably from an early stage of the relationship. I won't get involved with someone that says they must have kids because I can't guarantee that I will be healthy enough to raise kids, and I won't keep someone from one of their life dreams. But of course, you've already said that you don't want a relationship, so you may not even get to that point.

I think that perhaps your therapist was trying to be helpful, but then again, those who have kids oftentimes can't fathom that someone wouldn't want a future with kids. I have decided to not discuss the kid thing with anyone, unless its someone I am involved with as I kind of owe it to them. I have occasionally vented to family about being alone with no kids, but only in a moment of despair. (My mom worries about me being alone and childless so I don't discuss any of this with her.)

The child issue doesn't have to be dealt with right now. You have decided that you don't want a relationship, sex, or kids, so is there much of a point in debating....err, discussing the possibility of a childless future? I really don't think so. I'd get annoyed and just say "ok, can we stop discussing what may or may not happen in ten to 15+ years and focus on healing my trauma?"

Edited to add...
I actually think its more responsible to say you don't want kids than to be like the millions of people out there who have "oops it just happened" moments and don't really want kids but end up with them anyway. This is part of the reason for so much abuse and neglect of children. No, not every child is in fact a wanted child, sadly enough, but I wish they all were. :-(

 

[mytai]

@Solara, thanks for your response. I actually don't think I would be that great of a mother anyways. I don't think I could provide the stability and love a kid would need in order to not turn into another me.

I much prefer my fur children. They are content to cuddle if I'm emotionally unavailable and are still happy because I'm capable of still rubbing a belly, walking them, or throwing a toy.

 

[y5L]

I'm 30 and though I'm not completely, violently opposed to marriage or a romantic relationship (anymore), I am not interested in them. I'm doing pretty well at this point with having healthy relationships with men but I'm just not looking for a husband. And I've never really wanted to have kids.

Just the other day I questioned this in myself and asked myself, "Do you have any reasons TO get married?"
The only solid, potentially motivating reason I came up with was to get rid of my last name because I don't like being associated with my father. Well... that's not fair to any guy. Maybe good, solid reasons would surface if there were someone specific in my life that I wanted to spend it with, but that certainly hasn't happened yet, so who knows.

And if I hate it that much, I could just go get my name changed, I suppose.

It seems like a fairly normal thing to me. Maybe some people think it isn't, but maybe they are just struggling to see something different from their own experience.

 

[mytai]

@y5L, my suggestion to you would be to just go to the court house and change your last name to whatever you want. Then you don't have to wait to find someone you would consider marrying to accomplish this. Then that isn't even a thought in your mind when approaching a relationship with someone.