Always Relating My Future To Other People's Distructive Relationships And Hypervigilance...

[J_trustno1]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this thread but if it isn't right then please feel free to move this post.

I keep predicting my future to be disastrous after growing up in abusive relationships:

1. Be it my parents who would always argue and my father trying to kill my mother.

2. then other relatives where the pedophile and his wife, he ran away when she was 8 months pregnant with their first child, but returned after 2 years and that woman accepted him!

3. Now how can we forget the narcissistic brother of mum, him having several affairs, humiliating and hitting his first wife, then moving to the second woman and now finally a sugar daddy to his third wife. He abuses alcohol, sex and is naturally violent.

4. Other people who worked with me when i was in child labor where the chef would constantly beat his wife despite her being pregnant with his 4th child right after the 3rd child from c-section.He kept reproducing until she gave him a son!

I keep feeling that my relationship will lie somewhere in between. I know that I am no where near this place but i am already planning a divorce and never accepting the guy if he runs away when i am pregnant with his child because self-respect is more important. I keep seeing men as the abusers in my case and for which i am always on a guard to protect myself.

I keep asking why my father chose my brother over me and why I was never accepted by that man despite doing so much hard work to prove him that i was not dumb.

I keep seeing my future will be full of abusive relationships where I will not be accepted so in order to keep myself safe, I am trying to not get into any relationships at the first place. This is destroying me and I don't what is the past point from this. I keep thinking about the past abuse, my head is full of what the abusers had done to me and what they said to me instead of worrying about my life. I don't even know how to work on myself and worry about myself because I am too darn consumed about other people and their business.

 

[Ellabella44]

yeah relationships are scary things.. you dont know if you will find someone who will be decent to you, but it can happen. I felt like that until I met my husband and i expected the worst of even him for a while. i supressed for several years so im in process of rebuilding trust ... again, and hes never given me a reason not to trust him. projecting makes a wall you protect yourself with .. but it also closes you off from what could be if you let go of the fear that things will be the worst. yeah i can say that.. but im still working on it myself.

 

[Intrepid]

It's not always been the craziness of crappy relationships that has done me in. Sometimes it's been my own fears. I've been dealing with PTSD issues for a long time. I left another relationship last spring because she was getting way too passive-aggressive with me. Couldn't do it any more.

My history, my childhood, was crazy as yours in it's own way. For a long time I couldn't get into a relationship (Until I was 23). For a long time after that I could only last a few months (until I was 33). Then, when I felt pretty secure I would grab on, and hold on no matter what, even when it got abusive (Until I was 52. 3 long term relationships that should have ended after 4 months). The pendulum swung in both directions. To be able to let go last spring showed real growth for me. I didn't hold on past the point of sacrificing my sanity.

 

[arfie]

I don't even know how to work on myself and worry about myself because I am too darn consumed about other people and their business.

This would be the very place where my own therapy made its first significant breakthrough. I grew up thinking it was "selfish" to even have my own business, much less worry about it. Worrying about other people's business still plagues me, but I am getting much better about catching myself and shifting the focus to my own business within the worry. Some days I can even remember that worry is like quicksand. I can't build on it. I can only sink deeper in to it.

Gentle support while you sort your own, j_trustno1.

 

[darrenS]

You sound overwhelmed and unable to calm your thoughts , you need to start looking entirely at yourself and rather than head forward and attract the very things that destruct you , slow down and take some small steps torwards making yourself safe - being kind to yourself and getting help and support.

 

[Nam]

Thinking about good in your future can be very scary. It means that there could be good you could lose or destroy. People with traumatic histories know what it's like to be down. In many instances, it's like a cozy, predictable home. It's a place that is familiar. Being happy, truly free, and allowing others to love you and allowing yourself to freely love others is unknown territory. It makes my heart thump thinking about it sometimes. In my close friend circles, I'm still considered a bit aloof, cold, and stand off ish. Male friends of my hubby are little scared of me at times. But I consider the fact that I've come heaps and bounds from where I was. That I pour love at my children even though I know that I would surely die if anything happen to them. That I allowed others to love me and somehow taught me to love myself too. That's a whole lot to lose. But I think that old saying, "To love and be lost is better than not to have loved at all..." or something like that is fitting here.