Relationship Am I Always Going To Be Easy To Manipulate?

[Bert]

I love my wife dearly, with all my heart, but sometimes the treatment I get overwhelms me and I feel like less of a person. The problem with this is when somebody else swoops in and shows appreciation, compassion, and caring I feel my heart betraying me.

My wife likes women too so very recently we had another woman in our lives. She showed me all the caring feelings I crave from my wife and I felt safe around her, my heart slipped and for a moment in time I felt human and loved. I love my wife and I know she is going through things so I feel even more guilty for this slip, it all ended horribly but at least my wife and I are still together.

I just feel like such a bad person now. Am I so selfish that I crave these feelings so much I forget my wife is sick and needs me? Does anybody else have these issues?

I love my wife and want to spend my life with her, but my heart gets weak over time and I feel myself slipping. Not sure what I am asking, just feeling really low right now and hoping somebody else has at least some sort of similar situation they can share hints with me to help.

Email me here if you want, I know this is a personal topic, but if you can help I would love to listen!

 

[ISupportHer]

OK, as usual, my discaimer. This is one person's opinion. My opinion.

I know nothing of open marriages. The concept is totally foreign to me. I have a hard enough time working on the relationship I have. Adding another person in the mix would be difficult, I think, even with outside pressures. Add PTSD or any other behavioral health issues and is surely it would be a recipe for disaster.

My "advice" would be to acknowledge your regret and use that as a source of strength to steer away from further transgessions. But it really is up to you. I don't know your situation but, for example, an alcoholic would not hang out in bars if he really was trying to quit. You have the power to creat your environment.

The one other thing I came back to add it that perhaps you or anyone really, can look within yourself and try to discern why. What is the root feelings that lead to any action. Take an honest look and then evaluate what path to take. If you deternine that you felt a need for comfort, then what other actions can you plan for the next time. YOU take control and to not let there be an excuse that something just happens that you regret again. I am a medical person as far as job, so like CPR, you learn the steps for when you may need it in the future.

Read the books I recommended. They talk about some of these feelings.

ISH

 

[Toria]

Hello Bert - I think I understand.

Up until the end of last year I never looked at another person twice and I was SO proud of that fact. My marriage was (and still is) the most important thing in my life - but I knew that it was in a bad place. In November last year I started to look a little bit differently at someone I work with. He's married with two children and is a real family man. He's never made any effort to "chat me up" for want of a better phrase, but we've always chatted when I've seen him on a morning and he's just such a lovely person. He's considerate, talks about his children with great affection and clearly loves his wife. Everything that I don't have any more.

I've spoken to him every day for about three months, until I had to leave early for work on Monday and now he seems to be avoiding me - but that could just be me being paranoid! Anyway - I didn't see him this morning and before I even read your post I was sat at my desk thinking just how STUPID it was that talking to him is the only thing that has cheered me up in about five years. Sad isn't it?

If I'm totally honest, this was the catalyst for me looking for and joining this site. It just made it hit home how much I miss a normal home life - and like you say, how easy it is to crave love, support and affection; and how awful it makes you feel because you know that you OH is poorly and not hurting you on purpose.

Stay strong Bert - you're not the only one.

 

[amethist]

It has taken me a few days to reply to your thread Bert, was not even going to but, from another cares point of view, I have finally decided to. Though these are not my original thoughts and feelings, I would probably have been banned If I had replied a few days ago.

I think all carers at some point begin to have the feeling of "Looking else where", for love and comfort, if they are totally honest Bert.

I will be honest and say "yes, I did think about looking else where". But that is as far as it went. My husband knows this too, as we talked, and I mean talked a lot, once he was back to the point he could talk with me.

So yes thinking and feeling like this is nothing out of the ordinary.

BUT there is where it should stay, at the looking point.

It is not our sufferers fault they are ill, it is caused by something traumatic happening to them, through no fault of their own.

While I will never try to understand an "open type" marriage, what I cannot understand either, is you allowing another women into your home, when your wife is ill. Whether she likes women as well, is not really the point, as it sounds like it was more for your comfort not hers.

Talk about shoving it in her face, that is beyond me completely.

If you really do have to look else where, which I do not agree with by any means. Then at least not on your own door step, keep it away from your wife, friends family and anyone that know you.

BUT if you truly loved your wife, you would not even go there with this any more.

This is cheating, which is something no one should do in any relationship. How ever you want to wrap it up.

 

[booboomatrix]

Your title really struck me as an insight. I feel terribly needy when I slip and fall for another man's affections who is not the person I am committed to. It's a weak feeling, completely weak and helpless feeling. I'm not sure I have anything to add here. Just, I relate to feeling like a failure when someone is able to manipulate me into an immoral situation.

 

[Bert]

Amethist, I understand your thoughts about me. I would like to point out that my wife wanted an actual 3 way relationship, she felt she had needs I could not fulfill as a man, she wanted the relationship and I tried to talk her out of seeing only harm in the future of it, that did not go well.

After being told point blank that if I loved her I would accept that part of her and let it happen, I caved. Not blaming anybody but myself, I have felt like I am not enough for a long time and really thought just maybe it would help her at least see that I love her.

Personally as much of a dream most men have of 2 women, I can barely keep up with one. Medication I take keeps me from being of much use to them anyway, but if I don't take it my blood pressure and other things get really bad and I wind up in ER.

Now she has gone from just wanting another woman, you would think after this she would not want it at all, to wanting to find another couple. Seems the feminineness needs are not the only one I fall short on fulfilling.

As far as "shoving it in her face", that hurt and has me pretty defensive so I will leave it at this, not doing that at all, quite the contrary actually. Yes, I allowed it, but I have not had any control or even opinion on what goes on in this house or marriage in a long time, I just cross my fingers and hope her therapy helps and pray I am more of a help than a hinder.

I think I did a poor job of talking about all that happened and rereading my post I do look like a horrible person, and in some ways I am in this situation, I admit that.

 

[amethist]

Bert, reading how you have explained it this time, shows it a completely different light. So my apologies for seeming like I was on the attack, that is not me at all. Though we do not fluffy coat anything on here, it does not help in the long run. We do give honest answers to questions though.

So now my thoughts on this change again. If you did not want this to happen, then letting her bulldoze you into it, as it seems to be now.

Being ill with PTSD and not having the close feelings of love for their partner, is acceptable, showing those feeling to someone else is not. saying if "You loved her you would let it happen, WRONG. If she loved you, she should not have asked you to do this. Never mind excepting she has feelings for women, if thats what she wants then fine, but not in your house. !!!!

So really it is up to you what you will except and what you won't.

 

[Bert]

Thank you, and sorry for my poor ability to write and thank you for fixing it to be easier to read.

I know now, after finding this site, I have messed up on a lot of things. I am working on a list of "boundaries" and the harder part, gaining the courage to address them and bring them up. I should have done this a long time ago as I can see how important they are in making things work for both of us.

I have started seeing a therapist to basically help me realize being assertive and standing up for myself is not being an abuser. I often feel as if I am oppressing her or not being open to who she is if I do not allow things that I don't actually feel comfortable with. Phrases like "Nobody has ever loved me for who I am, why should I expect anything different from you?" have really confused me on what I should do and how I should handle things, my biggest fear is her looking at me and seeing her attacker, and I think she knows that and sometimes uses that.

I also admit I have a very hard time seeing the separation between the illness and who she is at times and it confuses me and makes me feel stupid and helpless. I know she has a need for control to compensate for years of having no control, but sadly I have never been good at drawing lines and sticking to them, I often overcompensate to please. Yes, my therapist has talked to me about this and we are working on what is up with me and why I am like that.

After all of this I have typed and not really sure of the point I started off with I again want to thank you. I don't want sugar coated stuff, I want the truth and if I am being stupid feel free to tell me. Again, I am so glad I have found this site and only wish I would have searched for it sooner. Thank you ISH for the suggested books, I have 2 on order I should be getting in the mail soon, I look forward to reading them and learning more.

 

[dandi]

Bert, seems the topic has mostly been resolved, but just wanted to add my 2 cents:

I agree many carers have looked around and seen an “easier,” “more loving” interaction with another person at some point. (I’m putting that in quotes because that kind of thing is so deceptive…) So people end up getting stupid crushes on other people. I’ve done it; so has my husband, because it goes both ways. In our household, I’m the reasonable, pragmatic, flexible person who keeps things running smoothly, which comes in handy. But how about another sensitive intellectual to stay up with all night discussing world politics and sleep the day away? Yeah, I guess if I were him, that would sound good to me, too.

You know what I mean? Point being, those things will always come along. If you have a good reason (i.e. genuine love and affection) to stay with the person you’re with, accept those crushes and shrug, but don’t take them too seriously. As they say, being faithful doesn't mean you never feel attracted to another person. It just means you don't act on it. This becomes even more true if your loved one has a condition that leaves them more vulnerable, such as PTSD. Don’t add extra stress to that for either one of you…

At the same time, though, as others have pointed out: Do draw your own boundaries as well. You don’t have to go along with anything you don’t want to do. If you don’t want another couple in your relationship, say no. This is still a marriage – PTSD or not, you’re husband and wife. You both get a say in what happens in that marriage. Sounds like you’re on a good path to that. ;-)

 

[Nicolette]

Now she has gone from just wanting another woman, you would think after this she would not want it at all, to wanting to find another couple. Seems the feminineness needs are not the only one I fall short on fulfilling.

To me this screams out self esteem issues and the best support I think you could offer you would be to re-assure your wife that you only want to be with her and love her. Women have strange logic sometimes and sometimes say negative things about themselves to get a back handed compliment. Bert have you considered that your wife feels like she is letting you down and while she offers suggestions you guys need to get back to basics and not try putting bandaids on the situation by involving other people.

Getting back to basics; if you don't love yourself how can you love an other. I don't know your wife but the only reasoning I can think of for her making the suggestions she has would be one to try and keep you (she may feel like you are slipping away) and secondly testing you as if you agree, then it actually proves to her that her skewed thoughts are real.

Just my take on it but I'm not your wife so could be way off base?!

 

[alixipain]

After being told point blank that if I loved her I would accept that part of her and let it happen, I caved. Not blaming anybody but myself, I have felt like I am not enough for a long time and really thought just maybe it would help her at least see that I love her.

Bert I’m not sure caving was a good thing.

When I first married my second wife she asked if I would share her, I said no!

Years past nothing came of it till I found her in bed with not 1 but 2 other men.

If she cannot hold her legs together as well as I can harness my desires for other women when we were separated by my job, then why be married in the first place.

Love has nothing to do with sexuality!

To make your significant other drop their moral values of themselves, for your sexual gratification then what is the marriage based on, for in my eyes it’s not love but for sex.

I might be wrong but that is my 2 cents from experience.

 

[Nicolette]

If the desire of your wife is as alixipain states and sexuality (not feeling inadequate as I interpreted it) - then erase what I said above and ditto to the above. Also, the more I think about it, if a 3 some didn't work what makes anyone think 2 couples would make your wife and you any better off Bert?