Am I an idiot because I totally don't understand how I can re-parent my inner child...

[ilandry]

Hi All - I am in analysis and we are working on healing my inner child but I am struggling. The therapist says that whatever feelings my child has are okay, but those feelings make me miserable so I want to help the child see the world differently, but I don't know how. My child has distorted views on things and is very sensitive. My therapist says that I need to parent the child, but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I have no idea how to do that! I never went through the "normal" phases of childhood and didn't learn the lessons that other children learn. There was no one to show me that it's okay to be sad or angry, or whatever. For me (age 54) those negative feelings are so strong in my child but I don't know how to show her how to cope with them because I never had an example. I find it so frustrating to hear my therapist say that I need to help my inner child understand that she can't get her way all the time, etc. I didn't become a parent for exactly this reason...I don't know how to be one! Can anyone help? Please and thank you...

 

[Mach123]

No. : ). I could write a lot about this but I have not been able to approach him and no, I wouldn't know what to do, even though my wife and I'm raised 6 children. When I first heard this about my inner child was about 25 years ago. I still feel the same, I wouldn't attempt it.

 

[Wendell_R]

I have been working on this the past couple of years, and the process has been both hard and helpful for me. Here are a few ideas, in no particular order:

• Go to a park or beach or playground and watch families. Which parents have a style that you like? Which parents don't? What do you hear them saying? How do you see them interact physically with their children?
• Bring a doll or stuffed animal to therapy and pretend it's a child. Take turns with your therapist, each of you taking care of the "baby". Remember, it's just a doll or stuffed animal, so you can't make a mistake!
• I have a journal book where I paste pictures. I look for pictures online of parents and children that resonate with me, and I paste them in my book. Some of the pictures initially my rational brain could see as great examples of good parenting, but other parts of me had strong feelings of shame, fear, or terror. I actually made little "frames" with doors around these pictures with construction paper so I could look at the pictures in small doses and then close the door.
• Do you have pets? Do you have friends with pets? Interacting with pets that like touch is like being with a child.
• Read a parents' book on child care/development. Learning about parenting without the inner child around is a good way for the adult side of you to get a little stability about the topic.

I found that starting to act out or even just imagine normal interactions with children can bring up a lot of emotions. Processing these emotions and learning to trust myself, inner children, and therapist took a while.

Good luck!

Oh, forgot one thing. You're not an idiot! It's hard to learn these things if you haven't been exposed to good parenting and also when there are screaming PTSD voices that muddle things up.

 

[ladee]

I had many of the same struggles you shared about and I was a mom!! I found a book called 'Healing the Child Within', sorry don't remember the author, that was a good place to start. It was a more detached way to start. Then after learning the working of it, I was able to do more of the things @Wendell_R suggested.

I found that writing dialogue was a good place for me to start. I didn't even know this child. Had no idea what her fears and joys were, ect. I just took my time because she did not want to come out of hiding.

I wish you success with this, whatever approach you take. It is one of the best things I could have done to add to my healing journey. And you can also ask your T how to go about this. They may have some great ideas that you are more comfortable with.

And you are not an idiot. None of us knows how to start this journey, with or without inner child work. Glad you came here and asked. Hopefully, something will resonate with you.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Hi All - I am in analysis and we are working on healing my inner child but I am struggling. The therapist says that whatever feelings my child has are okay, but those feelings make me miserable so I want to help the child see the world differently, but I don't know how. My child has distorted views on things and is very sensitive. My therapist says that I need to parent the child, but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I have no idea how to do that! I never went through the "normal" phases of childhood and didn't learn the lessons that other children learn. There was no one to show me that it's okay to be sad or angry, or whatever. For me (age 54) those negative feelings are so strong in my child but I don't know how to show her how to cope with them because I never had an example. I find it so frustrating to hear my therapist say that I need to help my inner child understand that she can't get her way all the time, etc. I didn't become a parent for exactly this reason...I don't know how to be one! Can anyone help? Please and thank you...

I learned to communicate with my child parts through art/drawing, painting, clay, music, food, dance, fishing, and by being with other children.....That honestly satisfied the child parts-and when I agreed to and implemented the concept of play in my life, they could play along with me (invite inner child to the table to do art, plant seeds, toss the basketball, or go swimming and just float around the pool). So, you need to find out what your inner child enjoys doing...and if your are around kids-climb on the swing next to them and give it a go....I do like to play, and it can be fun being a parent to yourself if you let yourself have some fun. Go look at kids in the park, what are they doing? .Communicate kindly with your inner child.....say thank you, acknowledge their presence. To stop head noise which is rare now, I sometimes make deals with them (movie and popsicle), cut the grass on the tractor, or buy one thing from Amazon that we will both like and call it a present to ourself. I have a silly Christmas shirt I wear.....it is a cat on a unicorn......and Santa is on the shirt. I'll wear it to bed.....yeah, rarely in public, but at this point.....little things to keep us all happy....revolve around play of some sort.

When I learned to take shamanic journey's, and met with them in my head in my healing garden....that is the single most thing that has helped to eliminate head noise that used to be there constantly.....the confusion.....the self-critic....the "NO" .and now, those parts are much happier....now that I accepted their needs and dealt with them. I thought it was stupid at first as my T said I needed to do connect with inner child/children.....but it really helped. I have no trouble with the concept of play.....it brightens my day.....makes me feel young....but that's not a bad feeling. I can usually put it away......recall the positive....then do the "have to do-adult things" required in everyday life. When I look around, the most well adjusted people I know still connect with their inner child....in positive ways.....so I've accepted it as a part of life.

 

[Friday]

Even people with the best childhoods are making shit up as they go along the moment they become parents. “How the f*ck do I do this?!?” ...That’s just normal.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Even people with the best childhoods are making shit up as they go along the moment they become parents. “How the f*ck do I do this?!?” ...That’s just normal.

Oh yeah, and those of us who are teachers, and like to play games with kids-we are always connecting our insider children and they are quite satisfied during the day.........I'm retired now and that is the one thing I miss......making up fun things to do during the day and playing learning games with kids.

 

[The Albatross]

"reparenting the inner child" was a bit too nuanced for me... so I ran a battery of self checks and did a butt load of self examination and narrowly defined "reparenting" to bring myself and my stunted or entirely missing personality/character areas up to par. Somewhere during the endeavors (most of which were goal challenges and educational) my inner child stopped screaming. It's all calm unless or until there's a very specific trigger set of circumstances or totally out of the blue words/or smells.

 

[grit]

The inner child words can be confusing and I hope you read about it as much as you csn until it makes visceral sense. In everyday language, it means being compassionate to yourself in the present and to your memories as a child. If you are harsh to yourself being compassion means recountering with reality based assessment. Or you remembered something in your childhood and you think(feel) from the perspective of a child.... This is truly having or developing a lot of empathy for you as a child and as a human today.

 

[Deanna]

to a park or beach or playground and watch

Thats a good one. I'm at a facility's swimming pool watching al the little kiddos now. I feel all the emotions I did as a kid. Fun! Chlorine! Plastic balls! ( and on my phone)

 

[Seeking Susan]

I have been working with my inner child and my inner teenager for almost 3 years, probably for the rest of my life. I have two very distinctive ages of my inner child. I now can identify if it is the younger me or the teen me, this helped me in the most incredible way. My therapist encouraged me to carry out an exercise of self nurturing and self love to connect with my inner child. Wow, How the hell was I ever going to do this. I had to get a bear or a doll and to care for her for 21 days straight. I decided on a doll. It was the most soul soothing experience I have done and still do when I want to. It has been life altering. I had to nurture this doll like it was me, my inner child. I was not to leave her at all for the 21 days. I took her to work, shopping, everywhere I went. I have such a strong bond with her. I am very protective of her. Because she represents me. During this exercise, I was to also spend a minimum of 30 minutes each night alone and undisturbed with her and talk to her about how we were feeling and how I would always make sure no one would ever hurt her again. After a week or so this was becoming the way I connected with my inner child. I can't describe the calming effect of nursing her when Im triggered or just to have a cuddle its soothes me. I do not take her everywhere anymore, She stays safe at home in her bassinet, Occasionally I take her to work or out somewhere. I also have found a passion in making these therapy dolls, and the therapy from that alone has been paramount. So many feelings happen with every new doll I make and each one is a piece of me that someone adores, if that makes sense. I can create something beautiful and I'm not all bad and useless. I never knew how to nurture, I didnt receive nurturing as a child. This makes me sad that my parents also don't know how to nurture. My children also have suffered from my inability to nurture them in the best way. I know I was better at it than my parents but I still failed them. They are so much better with their children, I am thankful for that. This was how I connected with "me". I have many other avenues but this was life altering for me. I hope each of you can find and connect with your "inner you". The world is different when you can see it with a childs eye but reason it out with an adults mind. I cannot tell you how many different triggers have been released and are not triggers anymore, just from this one exercise of self care and loving was the key to unlocking "me".