General Am I the issue??

[Lostinthiscrazylife]

Hi I’m new on here and struggling
PTSD making me feel like I have no voice no opinion no love no thoughts
My OH has ptsd from more than one source
I can’t even him simple stuff like can you leave the light on as going into room with out it causing anger and friction followed by outburst of nastiness
He admitts he has ptsd but all my fault that I trigger it
Guess I just need some advice on how to handle it and how to feel human again

 

[Sweetpea76]

First of all he doesn’t get to behave like an asshole just because he has PTSD. Second of all you’re not “triggering him” he is being triggered. Everything that is happening is happening in his head, and he is the one who is responsible for that.

 

[Friday]

you’re not “triggering him” he is being triggered.

THIS.

You are not responsible for the evils others have done.
You are not responsible for anyone else’s memories, or the way that they respond or react to those memories.
You are not responsible for how HE treats YOU.

By definition? If he is triggered? He is overreacting, and responding to the present as if it’s the past. Lashing out at you AS IF you’re an abuser from his past, a soldier he served with, a bit of wall that fell on him, or any other possible trauma? Is NOT treating you as YOU deserve to be treated. But as the abuser, soldier, or bit of wall deserves to be treated.

Repeat after me...

“I am not a falling hunk of rock. I do not deserve to be treated like a falling hunk of rock.”

Now try it with whatever his actual deal is. ((I am not his mother, I do not deserve to be treated like his mother. I am not an enemy combatant. I do not deserve to be treated like an enemy combatant. I am not a rapist. I do not deserve to be treated like a rapist. Et cetera.))

Because the key with boundaries? Boundaries are NOT “You can’t treat me like / You need to stop treating me like/ etc.” but “If he treats me like ABC? I will do XYZ.”

Sometimes? “Oy! I am not a rapist! Stop treating me like a rapist!” will be the XYZ. Or just the X. As the Y is ‘leaving the room’ & Z ‘refusing to engage until they’ve pulled their head out of their ass’. Shrug. There’s no hard and fast rule for what a boundary is... just how a boundary works. A lot of people get it backwards, thinking that boundaries are telling the other person what they need to do. Nope! You can tell the other person that if they’re going to be nasty you’re going to walk away... but the actual boundary? Is that when they’re nasty, you choose to walk away... Instead of accepting as if you deserve to be treated nasty.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I know the easiest thing in the world is to feel guilty or responsible if you’re the target of lashing out behavior... for your own mental health you have to realize just because he’s saying it’s your fault, it’s really not.

 

[Lostinthiscrazylife]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, i had hoped get some support from a mutual friend we can trust but work got in the way this week. I still feel very on edge and unable to speak, but keep telling myself some of the kind words u have said x

 

[Survivor3]

@Lostinthiscrazylife my mum (aswell whole family) suffered from terrible abuse from my dad and we all suffered from mental illness because of it. Don't take it, stick up for yourself and if he becomes violent then call the police.

 

[Movingforward10]

Hi @Lostinthiscrazylife , I'm sorry you are going through this. It's really hard.
However, like others have said: triggers are on him and on him how he manages them. All of us on here with PTSD have triggers. We got to own them, learn to understand them, learn how to respond to them, seek help with them, and not at all, never, blame them on innocent people. If he is holding you responsible, directly or indirectly, then that is controlling (insert other words that you feel comfortable with....) Behaviour. Unfair, unwarranted behaviour.
He needs help to manage this.

As do you. Kind and caring people can often feel responsible for other people's feelings and behaviours. But you're not. So putting in boundaries, standing firm is your go to. Which is easier said than done.

 

[Lucy Locket]

First of all he doesn’t get to behave like an asshole just because he has PTSD. Second of all you’re not “triggering him” he is being triggered. Everything that is happening is happening in his head, and he is the one who is responsible for that.

I love this response. It takes a while for this to sink in, but it is true.

 

[BrightSmile]

@Lostinthiscrazylife I have been on and off with my suffer for over 4 years now and still struggle with not taking things personally and hold boundaries. We had a big blow up this week but I managed to not contact yesterday with Christmas, it is tough but like everyone said here it is true take their advice it works.
Thanks everyone I needed to hear these things again myself!

 

[sonnet]

Hello Lost, Well. I wanna say that he just really has no right to be a meanie. I have started responding to mean attacks by turning away and letting my mind wander away or even physically walking away if I can. But there is also a difference between triggering PTSD and triggering plain old bad mood nastiness and cruelty Especially to someone who is already angry? Maybe your OH needs to unload some hidden trauma that they haven't talked about? I don't know. But, first and foremost, you DO have a right to say NO I WILL NOT BE BULLIED!!

 

[Livinginhope]

@Lostinthiscrazylife I have been on and off with my suffer for over 4 years now and still struggle with not taking things personally and hold boundaries. We had a big blow up this week but I managed to not contact yesterday with Christmas, it is tough but like everyone said here it is true take their advice it works.
Thanks everyone I needed to hear these things again myself!

Hi @BrightSmile I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time again. I hope it settles down again soon and that you managed to have a good Christmas regardless x