In a manner of speaking, my hyper-vigilance accentuates both the best and worst aspects of my person. I love my interests in the social sciences, but these interests were prompted and amplified for being laid atop many a recollection of trauma that colors my message. I do believe that many would equate my odd reportage and susceptibility to traumatically-tinged emotional recall as consistent with what a lawyer or judge would identify as a 'bad witness'. Why lend much weight at all to what he does or says, for isn't it plain that he is an unstable and not like us? It seems at times that my interactions with others is tonally akin to the Cold War film 'The Day the Earth Stood Still' to the extent that what humankind doesn't understand is habitually viewed with the greatest suspicion.
My reading lends context to situations that at times seems bizarre to others, but then I am forced to consider that the greater bulk of the people in my immediate circumstance aren't inclined to question, aren't inclined to explore, aren't inclined to inform what are usually folk impressions of so very much. What does it matter that I possess some precious subjective viewpoint if for speaking and for writing so little penetrates to the outside world? A fleetingly interesting signal (sometimes), although the transmission system is often faulty and the frequency band chosen not quite what is called for. Quite sad for speaking clearly by my measure equates to needless obfuscation as registered by almost anyone else...
In short, when I P.T.S.D. trigger or 'trip', I suppose in a positive sense I have more material and/or insight to bring to bear to lend enhanced contextual awareness of what is going on. The awful truth though is that I lose on two levels to the extent of mixing with others for 1.) Most haven't the experiential background that equates to being a trauma survivor, and 2.) Most are habitually disinclined to investigate so very much with anything like persistence. For myself, these qualities and qualifications are deeply intertwined, whereas for others in my immediate circumstances I'm something of a freak for being so-impacted (via traumatic legacies), and so-inclined (via atypical application to study, at least within my immediate socioeconomic circumstance).
It is terribly upsetting in total; i.e. to be in a circumstance where one is begging legitimacy to perceptions that one forms in response to what others are disinclined and are often incapable of seeing. Though works that speak of the creative fire that may be teamed within the person, within the mind of a manic-depressive, I've really not seen material that speak of a heightening of the senses via P.T.S.D. that too may lead to pathways of effectiveness for not being able to strictly look away at everyday misunderstanding and brute ignorance altogether too plain to see in many a social circumstance, in many a policy sphere, etc.
I suppose I'm registering disappointment and regret for some experiences over the holiday where some attempt (again and in vain) was made to enlist my family as supporters in relation to lingering C-P.T.S.D issues where not even trace understanding of roots underlying the dynamic exist. My hyper-vigilance has me feel like an elaborate Cold War-era intelligence gathering apparatus. I'm flooded with signals, and yet strive without much outside direction to lend context to much that the outside world cannot strictly relate to. The outside and non-specialist world is to whom I'm ultimately accountable, but in point of fact they (family and non-sympathetic outsiders) at best struggle to relate to my task and can turn on me in an instant if they choose to mobilize on the basis of their shared ignorance about so much. I so need to escape this provincial burg where speaking plainly and often ignorantly is always preferred to professorial discourse however well reasoned!
Sorry - just regretting recent holiday adventures where the relevance of psych. care was haphazardly dismissed by family, where again people close imagined that for snapping their fingers I'd 'snap out of it'. In particular, it grated that for no educated assessment of the parameters of P.T.S.D. made by them, the perception established seemed instead that I'd latched onto to some quack faith. How does one accept that family members, while for circumstance appear upper middle class seem for application intellectually working class for what seems undeniable anti-intellectualism? Very sad, predictably discouraged by all of this, hence into hyper-alert exile I go again. I don't wish to be strictly alone, but the quality of my social contacts and social support (at least as manifest by my immediate 'family') is really quite poor at present. Thanks...
M.
