... And He Said, "i Love You."

[Changing4Best]

It all started in church, about a month ago. I was sitting in the back row because of health reasons, not where I usually sit. He came by and asked me if he could sit by me. I said, "Sure." And so he did.

Each week, he would do the same thing, and I would say, "Sure," and we would sit and chat about nothing important in particular. But I did notice that even though there was plenty of room, he would sit shoulder to shoulder, right next to me! I felt a bit uncomfortable about this, but I just kind of ignored it.

Then yesterday, during the "meet and greet" part of the service, I asked him if he wanted a hug. I'd seen him hug other people, and I have hugged other people (usually women), but again, I was just being friendly!

As we were parting company, after church, going our separate ways for the week, he said, "I love you."
I, being the usual impulsive self that I am, replied immediately without thinking, "You too." (Meaning, I guess, "I love you too." But sometimes I don't even know what I am saying when I say it, and suddenly it occurred to me, that he might have been saying "I love you." romantically, when I was just saying it offhandishly in a friendly or sisterly kind of way!

I am a widow. I have been one since 2005. I'm in my mid-60s and he's 79.

I enjoy living alone. I'm not looking for a live-in mate or a husband, Far from it! However, it suddenly occurred to me that, that might be what he is looking for. Uh oh!!

I like deciding what I want to eat, listening to what I like to listen to, going to bed and waking up when I want to and basically ruling my own life as much as I can in this rather unpredictable world.

Now, I'm all in a tizzy, wondering what this man wants. To be FRIENDS would be fine with me. But anything more, I don't think so!

 

[Kintsugi]

Wow, Sheila, look at you. I always knew you were a bit of a firecracker. ;)

You're really good at communicating clearly and warmly here on the forum. Maybe the next chance you got, you could speak with this man about this incident, telling him that you have love for the members of your congregation, but you aren't looking for personal love outside of your church? I know you. I know you do have all the warmth and compassion faith brings people. I feel that you love people as children of God, because I see that you have the capacity for great empathy here, and I know that a lot of that warmth is fueled by your great faith in God and Jesus. To me, you are a true Christian, spreading the love you feel you receive from your lord.

Maybe that's the direction to steer this relationship (as all interaction between two people is a relationship of some kind)? To make it clear that your warmth is one of a sister in faith and not one of romance?

PS, Jews have a word for people like you, dear Sheila. You are a shayna neshama, a beautiful soul. I'm sure he sees that in you and couldn't resist. :)

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, @Simply Simon, that is what I want to do, but I have no clue how to do it. Once someone says something like "I love you." I fall to pieces and stumble upon my words, or blurt something out like I did, because although I have been married once, and in a few relationships after that, I have never been good at voicing my wants and needs in relationships. I feel like I am going to be tongue tied and fumbling for words next time I see him. I just don't know how to make my wishes clear.

 

[Kintsugi]

Well, if there's one place you could quiet your mind and find your center, I would assume that place would be church, so perhaps you could focus during the service on remaining cool and collected, focusing on the sermon and prayer, and then try to bring that sense of quietude into your confrontation with him? If it were me, I would do my own version of connecting with my own sense of the divine to ground me and calm me down before confronting an issue that may make me tongue-tied?

 

[Deleted member 541]

I would simply ignore or pretend that the exchange never happened. If the situation crops up again, just politely explain that you are not interested and wish him a nice day. Nothing here to get all rattled about.

 

[StarChild]

I just don't know how to make my wishes clear.

Hi @SheilaKathy ! Well, I wouldn't say that you don't know how to make your wishes clear. You did it already in those two posts of this thread. I don't think that "pretending it never happened" will be useful in the long run. I'd rather go and make a clean sweep. If you're worrying, that you don't find the right words, would a short e-mail or a letter be a more comfortable way to for you to handle it? (I prefer it, as it gives me the opportunity to gather my thoughts, and write them down, without being interrupted by the other person.)

So the following is just a suggestion, okay? I quoted some of your statements, which you could a) write down and send it or b) write down and read it to him, or c) have it in a pocket, to have a back up, when you set the record straight with him. The conversation below is just a fictional one. I also want to emphasize, that it's not about explaining yourself, as you don't have to. But rejection isn't always easy to take, no matter if the person is 20 years of age or almost 80 years old.... But let's try:

that he might have been saying "I love you." romantically

"Dear ... I wonder if you have meant the "I love you" romantically?" And if he says yes, then proceed:

when I was just saying it offhandishly in a friendly or sisterly kind of way!

"I wasn't expecting you to tell me that you love me, out of the blue. So when I told you "You too", I meant it only in a sisterly way. As a brother in Christ, you understand?"

Should he not understand or tries to discuss further, maybe tell him what you wrote here:

I asked him if he wanted a hug. I'd seen him hug other people, and I have hugged other people (usually women), but again, I was just being friendly!

"Also, when I hugged you in Church, I hugged you as a brother in Christ, nothing more / nothing else. So to be friends is fine with me, but I don't see anything more than just that. (As I don't share your feelings)"

These two statements I would give if he simply doesn't want to understand...

I enjoy living alone. I'm not looking for a live-in mate or a husband,

"Look, I enjoy living alone and I love my independence. I'm not looking for a live-in mate or a husband..."

Sheila, I hope it helps you to find your way to handle the situation. But since it seem to bother you, I humbly suggest, that you do it quick, for your own sake. :tup:

 

[Changing4Best]

Okay, So we sat together at church again today. I made a point of telling him that I enjoy having him as "my special Christian friend" as one of you suggested. He said that he enjoyed having me as that too. Later he asked me for my phone number. I explained to him that I get a special phone from the government and that I only get 350 free minutes per month with it. I said I can talk for 5 minutes here and there, but that I cannot stay on the phone for longer than that. He asked me if they would charge me if someone called me. I said that they would. He didn't look too happy about that, but said he'd like my phone number anyway. So I gave it to him.

There was no "Meet and Greet" in the Service today, so we did not hug. I was kind of relieved about that. I'm not sure why, since I usually like getting and giving hugs. I guess it is just that I don't want him to get the wrong idea about me. (That I would want to be anything more than friends).

As we were talking, he did make sure to ask me when I would be at the Senior Center, so I told him what day I would be there. I guess I'll probably run into him there.

Really, nothing out of the ordinary happened with him today. I should be happy. However, I am a bit uneasy, and I am not sure quite why.... I guess it has something to do with his having asked me for my phone number. I know that FRIENDS can share phone numbers, but when a man asks for your phone number, back in the day, that used to mean he wanted to DATE you. I just hope he does not have that kind of idea in mind.

He did ask me where I live though, and since I know where he lives, I could see no way to get out of telling him without seeming to be rude or something. I just hope he does not show up at my house! I had not thought of that. I live alone and don't want a man to come into my house, especially one that I don't hardly know!

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you handled yourself well! :)

 

[Silver.]

It sounds like you got pressured and let your boundaries slip a bit.
You are feeling uneasy about giving him your number. You let him know of your upcoming plans at the Senior Center. You are getting a vibe he wants more from you than just friends, he even expressed a bit of unhappiness over your explanation of the phone and you still gave him your phone number? (sometimes people pressuring us starts to break down our boundaries)
If you do run into him this week, if he makes any mention of anything other than friendship, it would be good that you make sure you lay out your expectations of friendship only.
You are very good to be assertive over living alone, I wouldn't want that either x

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks, @Silver, I think you hit it right on the nose. I allowed my boundaries to be broken. I did not know how to NOT ANSWER his questions. I am really bad at that. I always seem to answer questions asked of me very honestly and forthrightly. I don't know how to evade a question. I know this is a weakness of mine, when it comes to pushy or nosy people. I've made this mistake before, I know, though I cannot recall when or where. I just have a "feeling" that this has happened to me before and I have fallen into a similar problem because of it. I am sometimes too "nice" for my own good. Too polite too. There is this part of me that does not want to make any waves or cause any disturbance or defy anyone. I feel like I am too pliable. Does that make sense?

 

[Silver.]

It makes complete sense, as I have been in your shoes before.
But the good news is you recognize what is going on. (hindsight and reflection can be a blessing)
If you do run into him this week, your reflections on today should come to mind and you will be able to stick to your boundaries, I am sure of it.
Take care x

 

[Changing4Best]

I remember what experiences this thing is stirring up now too. It was a man that made passes at me when I was married (my husband has since passed away) and he refused to take "No." for an answer. I was way too weak in my responses to him. He broke my boundaries many a time. Oddly enough, he is still a friend now and has FINALLY accepted that I am a friend ONLY, but this took years for me to get him to this point.

May it take a lot less time with this new one! In Jesus' Name, Amen.