Hello.
I am a rape survivor.
I was diagnosed with PTSD years ago by a university councillor, back in 1997, about a year after I was violently raped ... for a few hours. It is sick stuff. It is also complicated because there was a previous rape by the same man. After I physically recovered, I finished my degree (miracle) and then pretty much ignored that diagnosis and fled the country to get away...from the fear and the potential threat... and I travelled and sought normality over everything else. I buried and denied and worked very hard to try to forget. I sometimes joke I could have a masters degree in stonemasonry, the effort I put into building walls around those memories. There have been a couple of occasions over the years where trauma response symptoms crashed in and took over. Each time my response was to rebury my past. Then, July 2012, my assailant was released from prison and again the old world came crashing in. This time, for some reason, I couldn't cap off the flow of 'crazy' as I tend to think of it. (I know I shouldn't say that). After 4 months of avoidance, nightmares, flashbacks, anti socialness, random anger, and people saying 'WTF is up with you?', I decided to go to my GP and was again diagnosed with PTSD and referred for therapy.
I find it hard to understand how this can affect me after so much time and distance, but there is no doubt it does. My mind seems fixated on what happened to me. I re-experience regularly, more or less once or twice a day. I have begun EMDR with a therapist in the last few months. It is really hard. I feel nuts for needing to do this.
So here I am...
Hello.
I am a rape survivor.
I was diagnosed with PTSD years ago by a university councillor, back in 1997, about a year after I was violently raped ... for a few hours. It is sick stuff. It is also complicated because there was a previous rape by the same man. After I physically recovered, I finished my degree (miracle) and then pretty much ignored that diagnosis and fled the country to get away...from the fear and the potential threat... and I travelled and sought normality over everything else. I buried and denied and worked very hard to try to forget. I sometimes joke I could have a masters degree in stonemasonry, the effort I put into building walls around those memories. There have been a couple of occasions over the years where trauma response symptoms crashed in and took over. Each time my response was to rebury my past. Then, July 2012, my assailant was released from prison and again the old world came crashing in. This time, for some reason, I couldn't cap off the flow of 'crazy' as I tend to think of it. (I know I shouldn't say that). After 4 months of avoidance, nightmares, flashbacks, anti socialness, random anger, and people saying 'WTF is up with you?', I decided to go to my GP and was again diagnosed with PTSD and referred for therapy.
I find it hard to understand how this can affect me after so much time and distance, but there is no doubt it does. My mind seems fixated on what happened to me. I re-experience regularly, more or less once or twice a day. I have begun EMDR with a therapist in the last few months. It is really hard. I feel nuts for needing to do this.
So here I am...
Hello.
