Annoying Therapy Questions

[Nighthawk]

So what now?
This question drives me up the wall

 

[Iam]

"How long do you have to suffer?"

GAH.......as if I can choose to just shut it off! If I could.....I wouldn't be in therapy!!!!!!!!!

 

[anthony]

Its a double edged sword... if you want empathy, the above questions are an empathetic approach. If you want honesty and directness, then you aren't going to get empathy in large doses.

Maybe the client needs to tell the therapist... cut the typical therapy questions and just hammer me for data and then feed me back your interpretation! I see too much therapy time wasted in empathy, which is ok in some sense, but not with PTSD... it really is a huge hindrance to recovery from PTSD.

Then you have the legal issues though... if a therapist told you to wake the hell up to yourself and you went and jumped of a bridge, it creates a legal issue. It seems everyone involved is just screwed one way or another.

 

[Iam]

Haha....I shouldn't laugh Anthony, but it is comical. Actually the questions that usually annoy me the most are the ones that need to be asked. Such as "How long do you have to suffer?" It woke me up to the fact that I was creating my own suffering by beating myself up. Though that doesn't mean I was able to stop beating myself up.....I'm to good at it LOL!

What annoys the HELL out of me are platitudes. My primary T throws them out only rarely now because I told him to cut the crap, that platitudes piss me off. Whether it's true or not I don't want some canned phrase given to make a point. They make me feel a cookie cutter person, not a unique individual, with unique needs. My trauma T has NEVER used a platitude with me, but then, she has PTSD too!

 

[maddog]

I do think it's possible for a T to be extremely empathic without pandering or engaging in the warm fuzzy, hand holding kind of so-called support that is self indulgent at best and downright damaging at worst.

I consider myself lucky enough to work with just such a person. He is very much a straight shooter who calls a spade a $&$& shovel when required and who never pulls a much-needed punch with me. His style suits my personality and situation perfectly, as confronting and uncomfortable as it sometimes is, but I know for a fact that many would find him too aggressive and would view his firm no-nonsense style as lacking empathy.

Ironically this couldn't be further from the truth. I have experienced more genuineness, empathy and compassion from this person than I ever thought was possible. It's just that he's, well, an aussie bloke, first and foremost. I respect him all the more for it, because the ability to be real, human and genuine with me is an absolute deal breaker when it comes to a T.

And he avoids platitudes at all cost and seems to hate them even more than I do.

I reckon I'm pretty lucky all in all.

Maddog

 

[Iam]

Yep you are MD! My trauma T is the same in some ways. She has often held my feet to the fire and NEVER lets me off the hook. I've told her several times how much I appreciate it ;o) She does show soft empathy too though, but I know it's genuine so I can accept it.

 

[SimplyComplex]

I am not sure if I agree that empathy is a hindrance with PTSD treatment. I know that there are different issues, depending on the type and quality of PTSD but my therapist is very empathetic. She is also very validating. But she still gets her message across. If she doesn't agree, I hear about it. Her overall tone is "it makes sense you have these issues, being your background. But lets look at things in a different way". I find it very helpful.

One of my biggest barriers to therapy is trust and wanting to be told what to do. I had a therapist who was bold and like a bull in a china shop. It was the least helpful type of therapy I could have received. It has a lasting impression and did lasting damage. Most of my trauma was fro my mom, a female in a place of authority. Safety in similar relationships is a must. And if I didn't feel she was empathetic or validating, then it would be useless to me and even harmful.

That being said...I laugh when she says "Good enough". Its not a bad thing to aim for but I absolutely struggle with Good enough being good enough.

 

[Iam]

Haha.....ME TOO SC....Good enough just isn't for me.

I think what is coming thru loud and clear here is that each of us is unique and respond differently to different personalities. It seems to me that some are confusing being empathetic with coddling, to soft and being less than forthright. Which is not the case and should not IMHO happen in therapy.

Empathy is the capacity to recognize and, to some extent, share feelings (such as sadness or happiness) that are being experienced by another sapient or semi-sapient being. Wikipedia

I think that true empathy is validating, which is something we all need. Especially given the self doubt and self deprecation those of us with PTSD seem to have in abundance! Though I must say....I don't need my T to "share" my feelings, just understand them and help me understand where they come from.

 

[maddog]

So, so true. Empathy and sympathy/coddling are light years apart and should in no way be confused for each other. The latter is patronising, destructive and without any healing value, while the former takes in validation and integration and fosters healthy interpersonal connection in an absolutely critical way.

My T very strongly adopts the approach that given my past, my behaviours, thoughts and feelings make perfectly logical sense and, as he so often says, "I don't see how you could be expected to have thought/felt/behaved any differently." Having said that, he in no way sits passively with this concept, the challenge then being to guide me towards realising and accepting that while understandable and previously highly adaptive, such thoughts/feelings/behaviours are no longer conducive to my healthy functioning and are no longer required given my safe environment. Rewiring those neural pathways and breaking through those deeply ingrained maladaptive schemas is the challenge, and we meet it through a combination of challenging, confronting psychological and intellectual combat and empathic validating guidance.

It works for me... at least it feels as though it will if anything ever can.

Maddog

 

[Iam]

EXACTLY Maddog!

That type of validation actually helps us be open to understand the no longer needed thoughts, somatic feelings (so much of what we "feel emotionally" are actually translated physical feelings i.e. butterflies in our stomach) which are the basis for our maladaptive behaviors.

I digress though.....this thread is supposed to be funny and it really is!

T....."Would you like to get some of that Anger out?"

No...DUH!
But I sure as hell don't want to scream at an empty chair with an imaginary mother tied up in it so she can't hurt me!

 

[maddog]

oh yeah, this made me laugh, because I must confess that there is nothing in this world that could make me carry on heated dialogue with an empty chair... for some reason, even though I rationally know it can be extremely effective, there is just no way I can go there.

Self consciousness has always been a curse of mine, and i reckon I'd have to be very drunk in order to pull that one off.

Maddog

 

[SimplyComplex]

My t suggested I write a letter to my mom and read it to an empty chair (she actually hasn't made al ot of these type suggestions) and I said "yeah, I dont think so" and she dropped it.

Honestly I am afraid of looking dumb, but way more, I am afraid that I would actually start crying my eyes out...and I just dont cry in therapy...although I wish I did.