Anxious That Everything In My House Will Go Wrong..

[Belle]

I am having my kitchen refitted and this has proved traumatic :( I am following my therapist's advice and only have one room done at a time. However, I have found out that floorboards need replacing in my bathroom as there must have been a leak or flood at one time. This has made me feel extremely anxious as I am sure my ceiling will fall down although I have been assured it won't but that the floorboards need replacing and there may be a leak somewhere from my shower/bath.

Now I am anxious about all sorts of things and my mind just goes from one house related anxiety to the other.

I can't trust the workman doing the kitchen work even though he is a family friend of my partner. I feel I can't trust anyone, particularly men, although I keep trying to apply everything my therapist taught me I feel sick with anxiety and I am waking up 3 or 4 times per night waiting for something to go wrong.

I am seeing my therapist for a follow up appointment in a week and I am disappointed that I am feeling this way. I recognise that I am pretty depressed because I don't feel I can relate to anyone and there is a huge emptiness inside. I don't trust anyone, even my boyfriend, but I don't want to push him away because I can't bear to be alone. I am trying my best to hide my emotions from family and friends and even my partner as I don't want to see the pain in their faces when they can't reach me or help me.

I just want to run away from my house and my family and friends and partner and live on a desert island. The only way I can deal with my feelings of total lack of control and lack of trust or happiness is by controlling my eating and exercise which can be a dangerous and obsessive pattern for me. It is the only thing that makes me feel a little less anxious.

Everyone at work sees me as successful and in control. When I start at my new workplace in a few weeks time there will be a lot of pressure on me as I come with a good reputation but I feel so anxious and empty that I am not sure I will have anything to give. I want to turn the corner but I wonder if so many years of suffering from undiagnosed PTSD has had a lasting impact on me and my body is ready to shut down. And that 20 hours of CBT just wasn't enough and that I have failed.

 

[Meadowsweet]

(((Belle))) you're not failing. You are still on the road to recovery. But I guess after therapy it is practise, practise and keep practising.

I don't know about you, but I find that the routine of going to work and having to 'perform' for others helps me. When I'm alone without routine or distraction for long periods, it takes too much effort to keep the bad thoughts at bay.

I don't have the answers, but one thing that is helping me at the moment is to do one thing I need to do each day, and not letting myself say 'no' or 'I can't manage'.

The amount I do in one day compared to what could be done in one day, is miniscule. But I go to bed knowing that I accomplished one thing I needed to do, and I do feel more in control doing that.

I hope you are having some good days soon.

 

[Belle]

Thank you Meadowsweet. I think you give very good advice. If I can do one thing without saying 'no' or 'I can't manage' I will congratulate myself, the trick is to be kinder to myself. I have tried using a kinder voice in my head rather than the 'shouting one'.
((((Meadowsweet))))

 

[kers]

Oh, how I understand where you are coming from! Workmen in the house is the worst. It is a major trigger for me, it feels like something horrific will happen to me any second. You are brave to do a reno and to face your fears!

It sounds like one thing that is making this really hard for you is that you expected yourself to be okay with it, or to have minimal symptoms. So you're reacting in a way that's understandable for a trauma survivor, but you're disappointed and frustrated with yourself because you don't want to have those reactions. People who are not anxious often are able to recognize that whether we want them to be or not, things are the way they are. You can have the reactions and be upset about them, or you can have the reactions and accept them compassionately, but either way you still have the reactions.

You're investing so much energy into hiding your upset from others, trying to make it go away in various ways. It's still there, though, and that's why you feel pain. Don't beat yourself up that some CBT didn't help--it's going to take a long time to change your reactions, and it may take lots of different techniques. I hope talking with your therapist will help you brainstorm ways to get through this reno and your current symptoms--not to eliminate the symptoms, but to find ways to cope with them so they are not so problematic.

 

[anthony]

Honestly... it is few and far between to expect any renovation to go perfectly to some plan. Just do your best, adapt where necessary, expect delays and issues, and don't beat yourself up for things that aren't in your control. We've renovated a house and it had more issues and directions that I could care to mention... that is just the way of renovating something IMHO.

 

[Belle]

Thank you kers and anthony for your support and wise words...it is really hard, thanks kers for saying I am brave (means a lot) and thanks anthony for reminding me not to beat myself up for things that aren't in my control (((kers and anthony)))

 

[maddog]

I think others have given you some great advice and wise words. It struck me as I read your post that often, when we are really struggling with anxiety, depression and are generally in a difficult place, it's very easy and almost inevitable that we start displacing those negative feelings onto other things in our lives, such as the house renos in your case. I truly don't mean to be presumptuous here and apologise if I'm misreading where you're at, but I know that for me, when I am struggling, things that would normally cause me only moderate amounts of concern, or which would ordinarily be a little tricky and nothing more, suddenly become enormously distressing and I find myself preoccupied with worry about them. It's almost as though it's easier and more manageable for me to struggle with a particular practical or real issue, than to squarely confront the fact that I'm just really struggling in general.

Right now it's fair to say that life is tough. I'm really not on top of things in general, and yet so often I find myself obsessing about getting my tax return done, or stressing about my dog needing to go to the vet for her shots, or worrying about a particular work task I haven't completed... and all because I'm really just stressed about life in general and am actually more worried about my ongoing ability to keep coping with the world, rather than about the individual things that I keep going on about.

I guess I say all that to say that maybe it might help you to try to acknowledge that worrying about your house renos is probably more of a symptom of general stress right now, rather than any indication that you are developing intense and irrational worries about things such as your house falling down or people being in your house. Somehow, for me, it kind of helps to remind myself of that sometimes, and to try to reassure myself that the particular stressors will ease when my capacity to cope with them improves a little.

Hope that made at least a little sense and didn't offend or miss the mark.

Maddog

 

[Belle]

I guess I say all that to say that maybe it might help you to try to acknowledge that worrying about your house renos is probably more of a symptom of general stress right now, rather than any indication that you are developing intense and irrational worries about things such as your house falling down or people being in your house. Maddog

Thanks Maddog, I think that I am really anxious generally at the moment, I had too high expectations and thought I would be really happy once I had the move away from the situation at work that triggered flashbacks and led to diagnosis of PTSD.

The renos are really hard as part of my trigger is strange men in my house. I hate feeling that my home is not a sanctuary because it is full of dust and mess and there isn't a clear end in sight because of the complications. I am feeling out of control alnd I am struggling to sleep properly. I feel rootless because I am having to spend time with family and friends, I can't drive home and sleep when things get too much because workmen are there :( My cats are homeless too and I worry that things won't be the same, perhaps they will hate the changes, perhaps they will prefer to stay forever with my mum.

I am really struggling with all the changes.

 

[Belle]

Just thought I'd update that kitchen finished :) cats are home, just need a bit of a break before planning next round of reno. Saw T and she recommended proper planning for how I will feel and how things might be and how long it might take before taking on the next project. It has been pretty stressful but she congratulated me on taking on something that terrified me (workmen in home) and coming through. I am going to journal everything I felt and think about learning points for next time.

Nice to be home and just need to tidy and clean and think about painting when my bank balance is a bit more healthy.